WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

She has to invite the ex, she was a major part of his life even if things didn’t go so well in the latter

My abusive ex was a big part of my life (unfortunately).

He would not be welcome at my funeral and certainly wouldn't get an invite!

@ShowmetheBotox all exes?

It just dawned on me - it's being suggested that the ex should be invited to the funeral in order to support her adult children (who will be attending with their partners). Who's supposed to be supporting the widow?

Exactly!

Her friend who wrote the post. I am doubting it would be left to the grieving children!

Obviously, but shouldn't the widow be supported by the offspring? They're her family too - aren't they? We keep using the word "children" because they are the deceased husband's children, after all - but this really seems to be downplaying the fact that these are adults with their own partners.

I don't agree with your post. Standing at my mother's funeral I wasn't able to deal with anyone's else grief and certainly not a non related person who wanted to restrict my support from my other parent!

Yes we may be adults but by Christ I felt like a child at my mother's funeral.

Unfortunately, I'm of an age where I've had to arrange the funerals of my father, my mother and my husband. I can assure you that getting through the funeral of my husband was by far the hardest.

Upthread, someone seemed to suggest that the loss of a parent is harder. I disagree. We expect to lose our parents in the course of time. We know that in a marriage one person is - barring a tragedy of some kind - going to outlive the other. The difference is that we when we lose our husband we lose the person who (in a good marriage) is the constant presence and support in our adult life.

Well my experience was the opposite. My parents were in every aspect since birth. Their footprints were through every aspect of my life. I felt like a child at 48 loosing my mother and I refuse to believe I am the only one.

@and

It was hard when my father died. My mother had just lost her husband of 52 years and it was much harder on her. At my father's funeral, I had to contend with my own grief and my mother's grief.

Assuming that you were an adult at the time of your loss, I'm sure that you would have done the same if necessary. It's quite different for someone who is an actual child when their parent dies, of course.

My parents were involved in every aspect of my life. Having experienced their death and the death of my husband I can truthfully say that each experience was heart-rending, but the experience of loving a beloved partner is earth-shattering.

Not unusual for x’s to turn up to funerals, I went to one where all her grandkids x hubby’s and x wives turned up. No issues at all.

As have I. Is it not comprehensible to you that my experience differs from you? And quite frankly so could his children's experience.

I think that normally it isn't an issue. As I've said earlier in the thread, I told my husband's ex that she was welcome to attend his funeral (though I came to regret that). I also had her mentioned in the eulogy in a positive way - I obviously skipped over her adultery and her attempt to gatecrash our honeymoon.

The issue in the case of the OP's friend is that the deceased's ex appears to have been rather vindictive right up to the end.

This has been posted before.

It's certainly comprehensible.

My Uncle passed away several years ago. He had 4 children by his first wife and then 1 by his second. His first wife died, and his second wife left him for another man. His 4 children by his first wife were all adults by the time he met and married his second wife. My point is, that my Uncle's second wife, came to his funeral to support her son. In my opinion your friend needs to forget the past hurt her husband's ex-wife has caused, and allow her to come to his funeral to support her children. No, it's not ideal, but it will make it easier for his children.

I wouldn't forget it and if she came to the funeral and tried to speak with me, I'd likely point out that she was awful to DH, he never forgave her and there was nothing for us to say to each other.

I'm sick of women being told they have to rise above, be kind and put everyone else first.

You don't have to be kind to arseholes.

You certainly don't have to be kind to arseholes who treated a loved one like shit, then have the cheek to turn up at their funeral.

I agree with you tbh. All immediate family bereavements are dreadful but losing a parent and in my case also sibling was far worse than a spouse. I think it's the unspoken acknowledgment that a spouse can ultimately potentially be replaced ( we are on the step parent board afterall) but you only get one mum and dad.

Unfortunately your friend can't stop anyone attending the funeral - you can't legally stop anyone entering the place or building or cemetery (unless there is a restrain order etc)

She can of course request that the exW not attend. The exW can of course ignore this request. This could cause upset, arguments and unease on the day.

Personally I wouldn't say yes or no to her coming and just see what happens. Have some reserved seating for her DH close family and friends so that exW isn't near her. The SDCs can decide if they want to sit up front, or elsewhere with their mother. Baring in mind they are older with their own partners I'd feel they'd like sit up front with them. Ask the SDC where they'd like to sit beforehand.

Just because the exW attends doesn't mean she has to have anything to do with the service or day. Your friend needs to just let it go and focus on her DH memory.

I'd go with what the deceased would want. If he wouldn't want his ex wife there, then that's what I'd say to the children.

Since the ex have partners to support them, I'd say the widow's feelings on the matter are more of a priority.

My DH is very clear that when he passes he does not want ExW at his funeral. Do what the deceased would have wanted.

I get it as I really wouldn't want to see my husbands ex girlfriend at his funeral after everything she's done. However I would hope that I could allow her to sit in on the funeral service only for my stepchilds sake assuming she kept herself to herself and didn't approach me.

So I say let her sit at the funeral service so she's there for her kids. Have a friend or 2 to ensure she doesn't cause any upset, if she does for those friends to ask that she leaves and to not allow her at the wake.

My DH made it crystal clear that he would not want his ex at his funeral. I don’t think he has told his (adult) children that yet though. And I am certain she would want to make an appearance.