WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

It's a tough one.

Not quite the same situation but dps dad died a couple of years back, dps ex was absolutely vile to me for a number of years
Dp didn't exactly want her there either.

For the sake of dp son she came and sat at the back and didn't attend the wake. We just ignored her, and she paid her respects, and dp son felt supported by both his parents.

Do you think that the ex would do this?

I can absolutely see why she wouldn't want her there but if the kids want their mum there I think that should be respected. They're grieving too and want their mum and it will cause so much drama if she's told not to come.

This will likely be the last time the wife and ex will ever have to share a space then it's done.

If ever there was a time to let bygones be bygones a funeral is it.

Let her come

When my cousin died his 2nd wife was obviously upset but the whole funeral was all about her. His children & siblings were barely mentioned. Her stepdaughter was absolutely distraught and I thought it was a shame that her mother (1st wife) was not there to support her - I don’t know if she was not invited or chose not to go.

I agree with the previous post, no reason the EXW shouldn’t pay her respects she is the mother of his children. However! It should be made clear (if your friend isn’t confident the EXW would automatically assume and accept it) that she doesn’t attend the wake. I’m a DW and an EXW and this is how we handled a similar situation. Everyone involved is an adult so if anyone disagrees they need to be told the decision is fair and final.
I hope your friend has family support from her side and of course she has you.

Let her come but put a close friend ‘in charge’ of managing her so you don’t need to speak to her.

Do the other guests know she cheated? If so sc are probably going to be devastated if / when it comes out but they’re adults and so they can handle it.

I agree with let her attend the service but not the wake

The kids want their Mum there to support them at their father's funeral. Why is this even a question?

My Dad wasn't welcome at my Mum's funeral, but that was mine and my brother's choice. If the kids want her there, then she should be allowed to come.

Let her attend. Funerals are busy in terms of people to greet and you won't have to have any long conversations with her. A pleasant good morning is all that's needed. Once you are in the service there is no chatting.Once you exit there will be plenty of people to talk to that means you don't have to speak to her if you don't want to. She will presumably know other people who are there. The same goes for the wake. Pleasantries and move on You won't need to see her again after that day. I speak from experience that things are often worse in your head than they end up being in real life.

Of course she can’t stop his ex-wife and the mother of his children coming to his funeral. It’s not her gig. She doesn’t have to invite her to the wake if she’s organising it although I would be inclined to if the kids want her there.

Anyone can attend a funeral.

Trying to exclude someone could cause huge problems in the future. Hopefully there will
be plenty of people for the ex to talk to and she and the kids will look after her each other.

She should let her attend. Funerals are generally accepted to be public events not invite-only, so stopping her will be hard. The DC want their mum to support them, that’s the bottom line.

I agree with the compromise of her attending the funeral but not the wake.
Would she even come?

The kids aren't the only ones grieving and they have the support of their partners and I assume other family, aunts uncles etc. I would absolutely not feel comfortable having my DHs ex attend his funeral and in fact he would probably rise out of his coffin to chuck her out if she did.

Does she even want to attend? Surely with everyone knowing she's a cheat she'd feel extremely awkward, although from experience some people have zero shame.

I completely get keeping adult matters from kids when they're younger and trying to be civil but I don't know why people cover up others shitty behaviour when the kids are grown ups. I don't think there's a problem with adults learning who their parents really are. My DSS started asking questions when he was 16 and we were honest with him. It's given him a lot of closure and allowed him to make informed decisions about his relationship with his mother.

This.

When my ds' dad goes, his new woman won't want me at the funeral, but my son will.

I can't think of anything more distasteful than carrying on a quarrel at a funeral. I shall sit quietly beside my son during the service and wait in the car while he attends the drink afterwards, if he wants to. My son's needs come first.

Can't you manage the situation upfront? Send her a message saying she is welcome to attend the service to support her children. Surely she is unlikely to misbehave in front of her dcs. And remember, you do not hire the church or crem, it is a public venue. I'm not sure you can stop her without making an unseemly fuss.

This.

I don't think a funeral is really something you get to "invite" people to. There's a public notice and anyone is entitled to pay their respects.

Either way, I think if DC want mum there she should be there and there's lots more to be lost by objecting than there is to be gained.

If the children are really so unaware of all the bad feeling mum must have been discreet about it too.

Funerals are open- you don't need an invite to attend. Literally anyone can rock up to pay their respects.

She can certainly be told she's not welcome at the wake however.

I've been on the other side of this.

The children, regardless of their ages, have lost their father. If they want their mother there to support them then they should have her there.

My recommendation would be to let her come. You can ignore somebody who is there, you can never heal the pain caused if you don't let somebody in.

You cannot prevent someone attending the funeral. They are public, like weddings.

she would be totally unreasonable and spiteful to try to prevent her children’s mother from attending their dad’s funeral. Her decisions are grief based and excusable. You need to advise she doesnt try it, as she wont end up being able to stop the ex and wî’ just look petty.

If she wants to have a relationship as a step mother with her step children after the funeral then she should accommodate their request generously in order not to have hard feelings after. If she doesn’t want to stay in their lives as a grandmother to their future children then she can more or less end the relationship by rejecting their request.

I'd let her come to the funeral, I'm pretty sure she can't be stopped anyway, anyone can attend a funeral (?).
I wouldnt let her come to the wake, there's enough time after funerals when looking at the flowers etc ,for old friends and relatives to "catch up" and I'm sure they will.
Hopefully she'll have the grace to go home anyway and not want to be at the wake. I seem to spend more time at funerals compared to any other gathering (it's my age!) And tbh I don't go to funerals anymore if I really don't have to and I rarely attend wakes if I do go. Maybe she'll just pay her respects and leave.

The DCs want their Mum there to support them. She shouldn't try to prevent that.

I've wondered what I would do (as an ex an mother of shared DC) if I were in this position. I would absolutely not want to go as will never forgive ex for his behaviour, but could see that my DC would want me there for support.
Difficult on both sides I would imagine. I don't think that the behaviour during the marriage/divorce should impact on attendance, more between the ex and her DC and what they want as they have lost a parent.