WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

A funeral is a public event, so anyone can attend. But if it helps the stepchildren, of course the first wife should be there. There will be so much going on, your friend probably won't even notice.

It depends on whether or not she tries to sit down the front or not.

Ex wife should definitely be allowed to attend....he was the father of her DC and she should be there to support them if nothing else.

My uncles first wife attended his funeral despite some tension...it's quite standard.

There is obviously the issue of whether it is the right or wrong thing to do to let her attend considering the history, but I'm sure your friend is also very worried about her behaviour at the funeral itself considering how she's behaved in the past. If I was your friend I would want to make sure that she is "contained" if she attends so as not to cause a scene or be a grief leech (for want of a better expression) on what will be one of the worst days of her life. I applaud your offer to be her wingwoman - but I think you may need some help from other friends or family who know the full situation and can help you manage any bad behaviour if it occurs.

Going against the grain but dh's ex wife has made our lives a living hell for the last four years. If he died now it would be in large part due to the stress she causes him.
Dh wouldn't want her at his hypothetical funeral and neither would I. And I think his family would actually lynch her.
So she wouldn't be welcomed. His sons, my ss's would be supported by me and the rest of our family.

Obviously this is very fresh however and if he ,god forbid, died tomorrow. I suppose in this case a few more years have passed so it less raw-but equally how badly did she behave?

Yes.

My husband's ex apparently improved to the extent where we had a reasonably cordial relationship but when DH died, so I felt that allowing her to the funeral was the right thing to do.

However, I can say this now, looking back - it was as if I were being relegated to the role of "junior wife" in her eyes. She was determined to be there and manipulated the children so that they would advocate for her. I do find myself wondering whether one of them might have attended if she hadn't convinced them that it was safer if she represented them instead. (We're in Scotland, but the kids now live in England.)

I think that the final straw for me was when she tried to talk me into scattering his ashes in a place of her choosing.

Fortunately, DH and I had already had the conversation about where our ashes were going. I told the ex that they'd already been scattered in accordance with his wishes. (I later realised that it hadn't yet been done - I didn't realise that there's a 7 day 'grace period' at the crematorium.)

What baffles me is that the kids already knew where his ashes were going. It seems unlikely to me that she wouldn't have asked them about it, so I can only conclude that she was determined to change things.

I was literally dazed when she came to my door - I'd been prescribed diazepam and zoplicone - and didn't realise at first what she was doing.

She began the conversation by claiming that she was just passing and went on to tell me that she was going to leave a bunch of plastic flowers on the my in-laws' grave, together with a label to say that they were from her, me and the kids. (Is that what they mean by 'forced teaming' nowadays?) She then broached the topic of my husband's ashes.

I kept my composure but was upset afterwards - I'd given instructions for him to be scattered by the crematorium staff because I didn't want to think of him that way.

I'm feeling quite upset at the vitriol I'm seeing aimed at the OP's friend on here. Many posters are immediately assuming that they're not being told the truth.

Yes but there is always unnecessary vitriol on threads featuring ex wives and current wives, because on here the second wife is always assumed to have been other woman and lying if she says she was not, and ex wives can never be awful people because the men MUST have been abusive for a woman to behave that way, or the man must be a liar. I see it often. It's the worst thing about this otherwise great place.

It would be a hard no to her attending from me.

The ‘kids’ (they are adults if they are in their 20’s) will have their SM, their own partners & their fathers family to support them at the funeral. They don’t need ‘mummy’ there.

The SM (your friend) doesn’t want her there.

The EW was troublesome, was difficult, attempted to alienate the kids. I doubt the man who has died would want her there.

My DH’s EW has been extremely unpleasant since their divorce, as the EW in this case - she’s been difficult, stopped contact to punish my DH, tried to alienate the kids. The mention of her name & my OH says he gets a knot in his stomach and feels sick. He would not want her at his funeral.

Most people would notice if someone who treated their loved one like shit was at their loved one's funeral.

Exactly this. Assuming you are in UK, it’s a moot point as there’s nothing your friend can do to stop anyone attending the actual funeral unless it’s held on private property.

She could prevent her attending wake if it’s at her home.

My advice is to take the moral high ground.

Just wondering whether this applies in crematoria, since the person organising the funeral has to pay for the hire of the crematorium chapel per half hour in my part of the country. I'm thinking that that if it is a private hire, then it's a private space?

I wonder if your friend's husband expressed any wishes about this?

I know if she's determined to come and it's a public service anyway then this makes little difference but it raises the question of whether we should all get to decide who attends our own funeral?

Following with interest as my DH has told me he doesn't want his ex at his funeral.

Not a chance I'd have my DH's ex wife at his funeral. I know for a fact he wouldn't want her there, she's been an absolute tool since they split, using the kids as a weapon and generally acting a bit unhinged.

No, you can't stop anyone attending a public funeral but I'd certainly not hold back in telling her she wasn't fucking welcome.

Well that's going to be very helpful to his children!

They're under no illusions about the situation, the feeling is very mutual.

Being his wife doesn't usurp being their Dad.

of course she should be made welcome to attend.

I would be at the front with my children (if that was what they wanted). I would not be lurking at the back.

in turn id expect & welcome anyone my step children would get comfort from, at the front with them.

In this case, the children are adults. The funeral is being organised by the actual wife and it's the next of kin who sit at the front and later thank people for attending. The ex is not next of kin.

ETA If the offspring were actual children, then the situation would be different.

Honestly, it’s the kids’ father. If they want/need their mother there then she should be.

Sadly, I think you need to let her.

It's admirable that noone has told the kids she had an affair.

I think that if she really valued the relationship she has with dsc then she needs to have her there.

The way I look at it is that her dhs wishes while he was alive were to make sure he's not coming between his children and their mother no matter how awful their mother is. I'd see this as a way to honour that effort he made.

Maybe she really doesn't want to attend but is hoping your friend kicks up a fuss and she can use it to tell her dc your friend is the Bad Guy. Maybe she hopes her dc will bin off your friend now. Your friend would have the upper hand all round inviting her... If she mingles people will think she has front and your friend compassion....

I'm a SM and can imagine being in this situation. Ex-W sounds very similar to my DH's. I would say yes to funeral, absolutely no to wake.

Well, I said yes to the funeral (though the ex was supposedly representing the children in her case). It was lockdown, so there was no meal afterwards.

As I've said upthread, the fact that I welcomed the ex to the funeral emboldened her somewhat and her behaviour before and after was not what it should have been. I would have coped better had it not been lockdown, I feel.

I think I finally exploded about a month after the funeral and my husband's kids have gone NC - not entirely unexpected. (The kids were adults and had left the family home before the ex's affair became obvious. DH had been ill for many years and when he was in hospital, planned visits by them were cancelled since there was "no point in seeing him when he was in hospital" - this was when he was undergoing surgery.)

From what has been said by the OP, her friend has had no rapprochement with the ex whatsover, whereas I supposedly had, so she's in a much worse situation than I was. I can imagine how she's feeling: she's lost her husband and she's still being expected to put others' wants before her needs.

I think the DC’s wish to have their mother there takes precedence.