WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

Well you appear to not understand loss because you are happy to see children bury a parent without their other parents support!

And it's you're!

She can come to the funeral (nothing afterwards though) but it won't be your fault if a friend loudly makes a comment about how they're surprised to see her there considering the problems she caused for the deceased.

Also depends if the friend wants to continue a relationship with the DSC

Your responses are disgusting but you fail to understand why.

My dad came to my mums funeral with my stepmum and her other ex husband who is my sisters dad. Difference is they were all civil. Could you agree with the kids she could come but not to the wake?

You don't really actually see or interact with anyone at the actual funeral really, it honestly wouldn't bother me and she was a part of his life that she had two kids with him. It doesn't really matter what was said or done in the past by her, if his children want their mum there I think that should be what matters.

Because I put the unique parent child relationship before anything, eh ok. I am okay with that moral compass

The idea anyone to infer between that, I don't want to know their excuse.

I don’t think so. Im an adult and have a long term partner but I still wanted and needed my other parent there.

You can't exclude someone from a funeral. Let bygones be bygones. Do it for the step-children.

Gosh this has descended into a bunfight.

Many thanks to all who’ve given views even those that seek to paint my bereaved friend as a witch. I do agree the exW should come if the DSC want her there and I think my friend knows it’s the right thing to do - just chewing over the reactions and responses here will be helpful to be pragmatic and find a way to cope I think.

When someone has acted appallingly, treated your beloved spouse appallingly in their first marriage, and after the marriage, weaponised the kids etc etc it’s hardly unexpected that the widow might feel a little unhappy about having to be gracious and “rise above” at one of the most difficult and stressful times of her life, given how much stress and difficulty this person has caused her and more so her lovely DH who she is mourning.

It can’t be hard for people to at least understand why she might not actively welcome this person coming to the funeral! Who would want that? But she’s always been really gracious at supporting her DH to support his kids and knowing her she will just keep doing that and hopefully as someone said above never have to engage with the exW again.

The replies above have given me some useful ideas on how I can support her too, thank you.

Whatever her failings and perceived failings, she is the mother of his children.

The children are grieving just as your friend is. They should have as much say in their father’s funeral as his widow does.

Can you imagine grieving for your Dad and his Dw saying your Mum couldn’t be at the funeral?

Whatever bad things happened, there was a time that they were a family.

People with shared children are joined forever, through the children. Your friend married a man with children with someone else.

I know it must be incredibly hard for your friend but if she digs her heels in here the long term damage to her relationship with his children may be much worse than her fear of discomfort over his ex being present.

And in years to come, having them as people with love and memories of her DH may bring comfort.

I’m a step parent and in my occasional meandering day dreams I have thought about this scenario.

I would not prevent DPs ex from attending his funeral even though she continues (almost 20 years after ending their marriage) to be pretty unpleasant at every opportunity.

I would make sure that my closest friends and family were watching out for me. I would also involve his children in the planning of the service and wake.

All that said (and in response to the posters on here for whom the first wife is sacred and held in a higher position that any who proceed her) the ex in this situation should do the decent thing and have a conversation with your friend in the way two adults should be able to along the lines of:
“my children want me to be at the funeral and I know this could be awkward for you. I want to be there for my kids (and perhaps to pay respects/say goodbye to their dad). But I don’t want to make a tough day even tougher for you so I thought I would e.g just come to the service / sit at the back / only stick my head in at the wake etc etc. I hope that’s OK.”

Of course that’s highly unlikely but for the posters on here that think the second wife has to suck it up the first wife could at least acknowledge that her presence there would be unsettling at least for her ex husband’s widow.

Of course the children's mum should come if she wishes. In fact no one can stop her. The wake is a different matter though.

(Eyes rolling to the back of my head)

Ah that explains your comments, 🤦‍♀️ Eyes ain't meant to roll back, you should see someone about that!

I think your friend should allow her partner's ex to attend the funeral (not sure she can stop her, or anyone to be honest). His children want her there and despite the difficult years when the children were much younger, she is the mother of his children and they would like her there.
Yes, they probably don't know about the affair and drama their mum caused but as far as they're concerned, they had a mum and a dad and as their dad has sadly died, they obviously want their mum with them.
As hurtful as I'm sure it was for your friend and her partner, your partner shielded the children from the drama by the sounds of it, so I don't think your friend should undo that.
I also wouldn't stop her from going to the wake. People just need to be adults for a couple of hours or so and then that's that potentially.

I've always felt a traditional funeral should be for anyone and everyone to attend.

However, it's in your power to have a private burial after, or later a private internment. I get that you might want to do this in this situation.

I very much doubt she will be awkward at a funeral or wake because she will stand out like a sore thumb if she did and people will think her in the wrong. Most people.like this want to big themselves up not make themselves look inappropriate.

my parents divorced when i was very young due to him being an abusive b*stard but we were court ordered to see him one day a week (although i never knew the real reason because my mother never bad mouthed him), my maternal grandparents died when i was 8/9 and my father came to both funerals to "support" us but i think it was just to get to my mam but she never tried to stop him because she didnt want to be seen as the bad guy but she never went near him

If my DHs ex wanted to attend his funeral he would be furious. She coused him so much harm that even if their child wanted her there he absolutely would not.

If ex is toxic she will go to cause drama and issues for his wife and not to support the adult children.

the ex-wife should be at the funeral. Her attendance isn’t just to support her children. She should be allowed to grieve in her own right. Even though the relationship was acrimonious in the end, this man was still the father of her children.

I would suggest the current wife ask a friend or family member that will be attending, but who is not likely to be overly bereft to run interference. If that designated person sees the ex-wife spend more than 1 minute expressing condolences to the widow, their job is to step in and politely break up the interaction.

Bitter ex wife klaxon!! Explains a LOT about your comments.

Can’t help it with your - ‘me kid come before anyone’ bs.

anyone can attend a funeral service in church but not nec a private one e.g. chapel of rest.

However I would pre-empt things by controlling the situation and ask that she stays out of the limelight/at the back or to the side of the adult children but that you are not sure you see the need for her to be there really. Let the kids speak to her and arrange and just remain aloof to her. Ask that she leaves after the service etc

I would attend my exh’s funeral, we get on quite well though. So it would be support my child but also pay my own respects.

I think if the relationship has been difficult for many years then actually, it’s pretty poor to attend. The mother could have worried more about being respectful when her exh was actually alive.

However, the mother is a bit stuck if her grieving adult children are not fully aware of the fractious relationship and want her to attend, what is she supposed to say now?

It would be courteous of her to reach out to her ex’s widow and explain her children have asked her to attend, but she will remain politely out of the way.

I really feel for your friend op, as well as his children.

I agree

No. I was married I left. He very sadly is pretty much hospitalised for over a decade.

When he was capable we were on good terms I have a wonderful partner. There is no bitterness here at all. I have a great relationship with my partners daughters. He has with mine.

I would never ever interfere between a parent child because it a wedding or funeral.

The fact you need to project there being bitterness is a you issue

I'm sure my DCs would want me to attend the funeral of their DF. I wouldn't even consider not going to be honest.
Your friend should realise that despite the issues, his EXW spent a lot of time with him, was married to him, gave birth to his children. I dont think your friend should decide if EXW pays her respects or supports her children, and she should not be expected to just hide out of sight and not speak to anybody.