WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

Do you know what, you're right. And since I wrote my reply I've completely changed my mind even before reading your post. Constantly as SM's, we put others needs before our own. Everything my DCS's mum has put us through, no way would I be OK with her being at my DH's funeral and my goodness would he turn in his grave knowing she was there. The DSC are adults, not children. They have partners who can support them. OP's friend is grieving and should prioritise her needs for once.

It absolutely doesn’t.

Believe this woman has lost her husband and will be grieving. She needs to do that with a feeling of safety and peace.

The adult kids will be grieving too but will have long term partners there and other family members to support them.

Its the final insult for the ex to turn up whilst he is lying dead in his coffin - he didn’t like her and wouldn’t have wanted his wife to feel uncomfortable.

I can guarantee they will go NC with their dad’s wife so I hope she tells them ‘no’ she’s not coming.

I think I might actually put a note in my will - ‘ ‘Do not let my arsehole of ex come to my funeral’ - just so everyone is clear.

Although ex mil is a professional funeral goer so she will most likely be at the back like a fucking ghoul secretly revelling in delight.

Someone wants support from parent at funeral of other parent. Let her come.

After what I was put through, a friend referred to my husband's ex as "a grief wh*re".

Nah, afraid it doesn't. If they were small children maybe, but adult children? No way.

I keep wondering whether the OP's friend is being played.

After I agreed that my husband's ex could come "to represent" the kids, DH's DIL hesitated during a phone conversation and then told me that it was the ex who had suggested that she represent the kids.

Some people are just so sly. In the last conversation that I had with the DIL, she told me that she found the ex to be "jealous and controlling".
The DIL finished the conversation with "Oh, that's [SS] coming out of the shower..." There was no way she could risk him hearing what she really thought of his mother.

Manipulating adult children into requesting a place at a funeral is another form of control.

I think that the loss of a parent eclipses the loss of a partner.

Not that the grief isn’t real, but most people move on after the loss of a partner, they are someone who has been in their life for a shorter time, and in time most people will find another partner.

A parent is a one shot deal. So IMO the children’s wishes come first in this instance.

And that aside, a funeral is a public event so it’s not her call as to who does and doesn’t go.

I disagree.

I've lost my father, my mother and now my husband. I assure you that the loss of my husband was much more earth shattering. I have no plans to move on after losing the man who was my best friend and the love of my life.

Surely this is pretty much the last time your friend will have to deal with the ex-wife, so she should follow her husband’s dignified lead and be gracious for the sake of her step-children wanting their mother there.

They’re only in their 20s. That’s still very young, especially to be losing a parent.

I cannot believe that a second wife is even considering trying to exclude the mother of the deceased’s children, especially since they want her there and the deceased went to considerable trouble to maintain good relations.

Like, what outsized sense of possessiveness does she have to feel this is any way something she would have a right to do? I’m actually gobsmacked. She needs to give her head a massive wobble.

"the deceased went to considerable trouble to maintain good relations."

I think this is the difference for me. It would be one thing if it was obvious that ops dh wouldn't have wanted her there and the issues between them was open and evident. But that's not the case in this instance. So not only would ops friend be saying no possibly unexpectedly from the kids perspective - that could open a whole can of worms as to why that their dad isn't there to answer any more. I don't think that is worth it for any of them.

I agree.

Let her come she can deal with her kids while you grieve in peace

Definitely this.

It may not be what your friend wants to hear but at one point he was most likely in love with his ex wife and they had children together.
She was a key part of his life for a period of time and mother of his children.
Divorce is rarely easy but as the above poster said if there's ever a time to let bygones be bygones it's now.
If I was the ex wife I'd go to the funeral but be respectful and keep a fairly low profile.

Exactly!

well he definitely wasn’t in love with her the last part of his life and by all accounts tormented him.

Just because he is dead and can’t say he doesn’t want her there doesn’t mean she gets a free pass to make his wife uncomfortable.

Absolutely.

I'm a firm believer if you're not part of someone's life while they are alive, why turn up at the funeral? Basically grief tourists.

If the ex-wife had cared so much about him or the feelings of her children she wouldn't have been a dick while he was alive.

It's not possessiveness to not want someone who treated your loved one like shit at their funeral.

It's so inappropriate for someone to go to the funeral of someone they treated so badly.

I imagine it will be like my loved ones funeral where everyone was disgusted that the crappy person had the cheek to turn up.

Sorry, but the ex made a big effort to rise above his
ex’s pettiness for the children’s sake so I think the wife can do the same one last time, unless she wants to turn the funeral into an opportunity for a major falling out.

My ex is a massive pain in my ass and also treated me like crap during our relationship but I rise above for the sake of our kids. If I died unexpectedly and the kids wanted him to come to my funeral, I wouldn’t be rolling in my grave, as I have always endeavoured to allow my kids to build a better relationship with their dad than I had/have with him.

I agree. I wouldn’t want my ex to be at my funeral. I don’t think he would have the brass neck to turn up though - hopefully.

I think there is something creepy about ex’s who do this.

Why creepy?

My ex and I were together a long time, had some wonderful adventures and three children together. Sadly we didn’t stay friends but we do speak occasionally.

In this scenario I would stay clear if my children wanted me to, but for myself I would like to go, to say goodbye to someone who played a big part in my life, and to see people I haven’t seen for decades.

Funerals can be very healing.

I think she should let the ex wife come. Chances are she will turn up anyway. She does have a right to show respect to her ex husband who she's spent how ever many years with. Even if she didn't treat him well after their divorce.

I think it's completely different because you didn't treat your ex like shit and try to alienate the kids from him.

If my ex turned up at my funeral, he'd be turfed right out by my family.