WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

I don’t know anything about the ex wife’s thoughts on this matter. Im talking about the widow.

Hopefully he's written a decent will.

I know people who had children and a different wife/husband who did.

@StormingNorman So you are kicking a woman whose lost her life partner and had to watch this ex-wife making her deceased life partner's life hell for years?

Personally allow her there but explain any issues and she'll be asked to leave. I don't feel like there's a hierarchy when it comes to funerals. I think everyone has a right to grieve, especially children regardless of age.

Tell them happy for her to attend the ceremony, but to sit at the back and not invited to wake as that's for close friends and family only

I don't care, as a person who stood at her mother's funeral a few short months ago the idea as a woman in her 50th year I did that without my father is ignorant.

I would attend if my ex dies before me I will stand by my children whilst there is breadth in my body. Your comment is absolutely disgusting to me. She is an adult n a partnership that never comes before a parent child relationship, cop on.

Me too. It can get very nasty.

And his kids?

Funerals in the U.K. are public, whether at crematorium chapel or church. The compromise is she attends the service but not any reception that follows that is private

No the adult kids don’t need her. They have long term partners and other family members will be there.

They want her there & the ex wants to go.

There is a difference

I completely disagree as a woman who buried her mother a few short months ago I needed my parent and I am not ashamed to say it. It literally was the difference one being able to get through the day. Don't dare judge others emotional needs by your apparent lack of them.

They can choose to come or not.

Seriously the adult kids have no right demanding their mother goes to the wake. And I’m a bit side eyed why they are pushing this as I doubt they are stupid and should have awareness of how OP - his actual wife feels.

Sign of things to come maybe

I think she should be guided by her husband.

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids.

I can only speak from my own experience. I tried my best to do the right thing. As I said, I allowed my husband's ex to attend the funeral. However, I found to my cost that a leopard doesn't change its spots.

She behaved during the funeral - as I've said previously, she was just a bit loud. I could have done without the faux sympathy where she phoned me and cheerfully told me not to worry if I got any of the eulogy wrong - only she would know. (As I said before, DH and I were married 27 yrs.)

i could also have done without her sympathetic "You must be the same as me - sick and tired of dealing with the dead and dying..." (Her Affair Partner died suddenly. Her next partner died of cancer, a fortnight after she placed him in a home. She already had the next chap lined up. I cared for both my parents and my husband for many years.) There was more to it than that, but - honestly - I was just trying to organise the funeral, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

I'm glad that the OP will be supporting her friend.

I can't imagine a situation someone would tell their husband's children that their mother couldn't come and support them at the funeral. (well I obviously can, but it would be for something far worse than what has been described - murder or something criminal).

Your friend doesn't have to engage with her beyond a hello.

Ex wives at funeral are a dramatic trope for a reason, they happen.

You really are missing a piece of human decency in your responses. You either don't have nor had a typical parenting relationship. I pity you.

Let her come , all that past nonsense should stay in the past

And there we have it. Second wife hatred.

I suppose you’d want to be right at the front too…

Your the ignorant one so cop on yourself.

You have no idea when I lost my parents and whose funerals I've been too.

It's a horrid situation, she has lost her husband but the kids have lost their dad.

It is natural that they would want their mum their for support

Your friend needs to suck it up. She will be too busy and emotional to even notice on the day.

If she bans the exw it will forever be her who suffers the consequences not the exw and the dsc will never forgive her.

Where did you come to that conclusion. The question is about interference in support for an adult losing a parent. Are you that ignorant?

Nah you are full of hatred for the second wife.

You think she is lesser than.

At the end of the day the XW could rock up regardless, no-one needs to be 'invited' to a funeral.

The issue is having a parent attend in support of their loss. Simple.

If anyone is ignorant that any relationship be it grandparents, second wife etc trumps that then I pity them as they obviously have no idea of the parent child lifelong relationship and the support that even as adults we gain.

I seriously pity you all who don't have that because it kept me going when I lost my wonderful mum

The responses here are absolutely disgusting.

I also think she should be able to attend. The how's and why's of their relationship ending is totally irrelevant. Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship except those in it.