WWYD - ex-wife and husband funeral

[TuxedoMoggy]

Not me, but posting on behalf of a good friend who knows I am doing so.

Friend’s DH recently passed away. Friend was second wife, was not OW. Is SM to her late DH’s 2 DC who are in their early-mid twenties, and both have partner / long term gf/bf.

The WWYD is about the funeral - her SDC want their mum, the late DH’s exW, to come. Friend would rather exW did not - exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad, repeatedly messed up agreed arrangements etc. exW ended the marriage following an affair that she had (SDC don’t know this).

My friend’s late DH did his best to rise above exW nonsense and never let on to his DC how hard their mum was making things, didn’t create difficulties or call out her lies in front of the kids. So they don’t know how hard she made things. Once they were out of school things got better as he could communicate with them on their own terms and therefore had very little interaction with his ex for the last few years.

So now sadly he has died and there is a possible conflict as the SDC have talked about wanting their mum coming to the funeral. She’s the last person my friend wants there. But she knows that although she is the widow and NOK, executor etc so probably gets to call the shots, the kids are also bereaved and have rights and feelings about being supported at the funeral. They do have their partners though.

She’s really torn about what to do or how to do it - she gets on relatively well with the SDC but their mum was always on a pedestal for them, she can’t (and wouldn’t expect to) compete but it’s not an easy thing to broach with them of course if she were to say no to the exW coming.

any thoughts very welcome please.

I've always understood funerals were public, but that can't always be the case? I doubt I could have rocked up at the Queen's for example and you often see a celebrity is having a "family" funeral.

Either way, she should be allowed to attend this one if DC want her there.

Does the propsoed funeral include a Church service? If so then my understanding is that a member of the public cannot be excluded.

Let her come. The kids need her. I had one parent at the others funeral and it would have been strange not to have my other parent there. They were once married. It didn’t end well but they have memories and were grieving too even though they had moved on and re married.

The children should be allowed their mum there. What kind of witch would police how children grieve for a parent.

I've attended such a funeral with the ex wife (who is a difficult character). It was a difficult and awkward day for her but it was right that she was there, and that their DC had a parent on a tricky day for them.

It's one of those scenarios where I think you never regret being the bigger person. The children also get a major say here.

For my husband's eulogy, I included the details of his marriage to the ex plus their children. I told the celebrant that I wasn't sure how to word the divorce. He told me that he usually just said "Along the way, they parted..." so that's the expression that he used in the eulogy. I thought that it worked well.

The kids and the adult grandchild didn't attend the service, but watched on the webcast and were pleased with the eulogy.

The ex didn't behave badly during the service, though she was very loud at both the beginning and the end - I could have done without that. It was her behaviour during the days before and after that caused distress.

another vote for letting her attend. ExH and I had a highly acrimonious divorce 16 years ago with him telling massive lies about me and forbidding his family to contact me ( lest his lies were discovered I guess). Things calmed a bit eventually and when his DF and DSIS died I asked if I could go to the funeral - as a mark of respect to people I was close to over years and to support DD. I sat quietly in the upstairs gallery ( which was like the ex wives club for his siblings) and didn't go to the wake. His family seemed v pleased to see me.

That sounds like a gesture of friendship. It is interesting what horrifies people, from different cultures. You wouldn't be surprised to see disgraced old friends at a funeral where I'm from.

It would be straightforward if only the virtuous mourned, and if they all got on well, but life isn't like that.

In places where a funeral is treated as a common farewell rite, you'll get people of all sorts / connections showing up. I suppose a funeral isn't perceived that way in parts of Britain though.

Someone who is grieving themselves.

Calling a grieving person who has just lost their life partner a witch is totally uncalled for.

Then I guess you haven't been to funerals of those where the family connections are complicated.

If it's at a church, you can't stop anybody coming as it's a public event. Depends where it is.

If the children of their marriage want their mother to attend their father's funeral, then she should be invited to attend. Good manners should prevail at a time like this.

If the wake is going to be large then she should be invited to both the funeral and the wake. Your friend needs to do is ensure there are at least four people who will stick with her to prevent the ex-wife causing a scene or will tell her off if she causes one.

Funerals are not a place for drama. Emotions are running high enough as they are.
Sounds like there was no love lost between your friend's husband and his first wife. The kids need to take support from each other or other family members on the day (grandparents, uncles/aunts/cousins etc).

You cannot prevent someone attending the funeral. The wake is another matter, but I think it would be difficult to keep her away if the children are also going.

I agree, the ex should be allowed to go, to support the children, and to pay her respects.

Times of distress often reveal who people truly are.

Births, marriages and deaths

All occasions where you have to put up with the other parent of your DSC, especially when the DSC actively want their DMum there

I recommend getting a reliable friend or relative to keep an eye out and move people around if anything becomes too tense.

exW caused lots of trouble when SDC were younger, was difficult to communicate with, tried to turn kids against their Dad,

That's all in the past though & lately they had their own relationship with him as adults.

Ex probably doesn't want to be there but is doing it for her kids.

They are young to have lost a parent.

Re the wake.

If the ex isn't invited might the kids also not go?

To their own father's wake?

My personal opinion is that she should be allowed to go to pay her respects, and to be there to support her children.
Despite what's happened, she was also married to him once and had a family with him and has a right to pay her respects to your friends late husband.
Sorry for your friends loss...

@TuxedoMoggy The relationship between the step kids is going to break down pretty sharpish any way - especially if money is involved.

You friend needs to be strong and say she can come but she sits at the back because actually they were not on good terms - and she doesn’t go to the wake. You don’t need an invite for a funeral - any fucker can turn up so it’s best to manage expectations.

This is the funeral of her husband - if the ex wants to come she needs to be discreet and be there as a support role for the kids and not a source of attention.

The adult kids need to understand and respect this

The criminal concerned was a paedophile. I won't go into it all here, but I informed the authorities that he'd moved in with a woman who had two daughters. The woman died. One of the daughters became pregnant as soon as she turned 16.

He was sitting next to the other daughter, an adult at the time of the funeral.

He died in prison after being convicted of historical offences. I might have had sympathy for a petty criminal. Not for him.

You mean the first wife then who was deliberately nasty to her ex-husband when they "parted ways"

Anyone is allowed to go to a funeral

She was a part of his life for a long time, his children want her there too

You don't make any child of any age attend their parents funeral without the support of their living parent.

How despicable and absolutely abhorrent to do that to young adults. I would suggest your friend take a moment and consider how she would feel in her sdc situation.

You are another one who seems to have forgotten that this woman has lost her life partner.

You expect to lose your parents but you don't expect to lose your life partner until you are about to go as well.