Holidays with or without DSD

[terracottasaucer]

How do you manage holidays with step children? I feel like I’m not allowed a holiday with my own children, and made to feel evil for even wanting to.

Yes they’re all his children, but I don’t have the same relationship with DSD as I do my own children. It is more like a relationship I’d have with a niece.
You are right the issue is my inability to relax. If I could change that I would.

Well this is a situation where you have to swallow your feelings. You can’t leave family members out and it’s better for you to be slightly unrelaxed than to exclude your stepdaughter. Maybe have some counselling about why you can’t relax in her presence.
imagine this being done to your own children. You and your DH split, he gets a new woman who can’t relax in the presence of your existing children so they are excluded from holidays.

Yes stepparenting is hard. The problems come when people want it to be exactly like a nuclear family and then get pissed off at reminders that it’s not. Your comments about your unit of 4 shows that you do this. You need to fully accept that it’s not like that and never will be. That doesn’t make it less worthy or loving, it just makes it different.

I think it’s my longing for some down time. Sadly knowing I struggle to relax around DSD means it would likely be the same
on holiday. I haven’t discussed with my DH as clearly I am uncomfortable with my own feelings on this.

Counselling is probably a good idea. Thank you.

Have you never been able to relax around her?

No I wouldn’t. But if I married my BIL I’d accept it as part of that choice.

Op, you’re acting as if you woke up a stepmother because of the swish of the wand of an evil fairy. You didn’t . You chose it. You went into the situation eyes wide open. The fact that some of the people commenting would not do so themselves doesn’t mean they don’t understand how hard it is. On the contrary, it’s why many wouldn’t.
But the very clear messsge we see from generations coming to adulthood from stepparent situations is that children are vulnerable to real hurt when these situations aren’t well handled. Some people do feel strongly about that. And yes, before you ask, the children’s feelings do come first. That’s what being an adult is about.

If you don’t want responsibility for children, don’t beget them or join their family. plenty of people choose not to do either for that reason. That’s an option you act as though you were denied.

You chose a life with your stepchild as well. You seem to be in total denial about that.

It’s her who didn’t choose the situation.

It’s clear op that you now regret that; but from a pragmatic pov, she’s nearly grown up.

So because you can’t relax you don’t want your step daughter to be invited to go on holiday. Your stepdaughter didn’t get any say in her parents splitting up or in gaining a new step mother who now wants to exclude her because she doesn’t feel comfortable. You need to start getting comfortable because she is with you for life as your husbands daughter.

Why is your DSD only seeing her dad every 2 weeks, id expect an older child to be having a relationship beyond access.
Does she want to go on holiday with 2 small kids?

I’d expect less than that tbh. As they get older, it dwindles a bit and she does live with her mum. So it’s nice that she’s keeping it going by still coming every other weekend.

For me a holiday with DSS isn’t a holiday. Invariably we have to spilt off - DH with DSS and me with my kids. When it’s just our children, me and DH can take turns. Utilise kids clubs and grab an hour or two together. It’s a very different experience.

Sometimes I accept that and sometimes I want a break, because actually I matter too! I am a mother aswell. We absolutely couldn’t holiday without our joint DC because there is nobody who would have them, but we do take advantage of DSS and the co-parenting and sometimes go without him. His Mum does the same for similar reasons I imagine.

Also, recently DH took his DSS and our joint eldest - I enjoyed the time with just my youngest. I bet nobody judging OP will take issue with that, why not?

There’s a gap between me and my siblings and I used to get dragged around on holidays and my older siblings stayed home. It’s not unusual in bio families.

At 17 it feels like you are asking this too late. What has happened for the last 6 years?

If you were to include her, would her bringing a friend along help the dynamic?

A friend might help if I can afford the extra. I’ll investigate that too.
We’ve been together 15 years, and have always taken DSD.

Also seconding bringing a friend for DSD, they can go off together and allow you time with the little ones, also they might babysit!

Sometimes friend’s parents can be willing to contribute - or even cover the cost of their child joining.

15 years is a long time. So you’ve been in her life since she was 2 yet you still feel uncomfortable around her. I would definitely get some therapy to get to the root of it - it is likely to improve the way you think of and relate to your DSD. I think some step parents feel the difference when they have their own children and realise they don’t think of their DSC the same way. I think in those situations you have to fake it til you make it. If the SDC notice the difference in treatment it leads to resentment and damage to the relationship long term.

Is the crux of the issue is that you have been paying for your stepchild to go on holiday with you in the past and your husband is not contributing to this?

No it’s not about money. I’ve always provided financially for DSD for whatever she needs when she has been with us. I just don’t pay for the maintenance that DH pays to her mother.

It’s likely this. I will seek some therapy I hope it’ll be useful

I said similar in that my partner takes my SD alone - they can take full advantage of theme parks/water parks, whilst leaving me at home with our now toddler!

Exactly - because of the age gap we divide and conquer. It’s not family time. It also means the younger ones don’t get to spend much time their father.

@SunQueen24 This is what I've found also - the same on contact weekends. The little ones don't get as much time as everyone thinks when there is a considerable age gap.

Your tone is just flat and argumentative

Its not unusual to stop taking kids away when they reach a certain age - 18 is a decent number

Or offer her £300 towards a contribution to go with friends

@LouJ36 exactly. My kids complain sometimes as they don’t see DH much as he works away during the week and often works the weekends he doesn’t have DSS.