Blending our families

[Elizabeth20100]

Hi,

My Partner and I have been together three years, after the break down of our previous marriages (mine, 4.5 years ago when ex had an affair).

We have two lovely children each, two boys 8,5 on my side, two girls 11,9 on his side.

After some gradual part time blending, family holidays abroad and increasing the time we are all together, the time feels right to move under one roof. The children get on really well, some differences in parenting style but not necessarily a bad thing - it’s good to have a balanced opinion sometimes.

However, having done lots of research and reading lots of threads on Mumsnet, I’m suddenly really apprehensive. It looks like the majority of people really struggle to blend and their children are unhappy. If I thought for one moment, my kids would be unhappy, I won’t do it and continue as we are.

so I guess I’m looking for some pragmatic advice. Should we stay as we are? I like our life but would ideally live to all be together, get married and daily adult companionship.

thanks in advance!

Do you know if your children want to? Have you asked them?

Stay apart till the children leave home!!! The little differences in parenting will become major differences.

If you do still want to try - keep your own home and rent it out etc to give it a year trial but I wouldn’t be , they are about to all become teenagers and not be as cool with stepmum

I have yes, my youngest is very happy at the idea (being 5, he is a bit more laid back). My eldest is sad at the prospect of leaving our house (he is like me, a homebody and quite attached to his bedroom/things just as they are) which I have reassured him about. He said he would feel sad about moving even if it was just us three.

Honestly I wouldn’t. It might be okay now but you’re about to enter the teen years. That was pure hell with DSC

Thanks @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas, some good advice there. I’m not wanting to nail the coffin just yet on a move as I feel we could be very happy. But I am conscious of the parenting styles and like you say, little issues become bigger when under the magnifying glass of complete blended life.

Will any level of “sacrifice” have to be made by the kids? By this I mean will anyone have to share a room? Will anyone have to change schools? Will anyone now have a long commute to school? Will anyone have to give up an extra curricular that they enjoy or change to a different group?

What are the differences in parenting styles? If you read the posts on the step parenting board you'll see this is a major factor in blended families not working.

@Mumofteenandtween The only one is a longer school commute, 20 minutes as opposed to our current 10, by car. So not a huge one really and the children will actually have larger bedrooms each as the house is quite large. Life would become a bit easier in that regard (we don’t struggle now but as I’d be renting my house out and sharing the costs of one household, there will naturally be more money spare).

@Illpickthatup I tend to parent quite gently and like children to all take part in daily life. DP is an excellent dad but sometimes a bit more brusque than I am and prefers to do things himself to make sure it’s done ‘properly.’ Therefore his girls don’t contribute are generally on their phones a lot. Mine are a bit younger, in every sense and I like them to chip in as a team towards the housework. That’s the only thing I can see griping.

Why risk it? If it does end up making one of the children unhappy, it’s not like it’s an easy decision to reverse.

@Elizabeth20100

Maybe you should have a read of this thread OP before you make any decision.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5190108-to-think-mn-is-horrible-about-blended-families?page=23

That’s not a small difference that’s a huge difference in parenting styles… so teenage girls are going to sit around and expected to be waited on while your kids help out… that will cause problems very quickly

How are you going to feel wiping crumbs off the bench for the tenth time a weekend from people sitting on their phone ?

Thanks all, it does feel risky. Up until now, it has felt very fluid and natural. It’s only been in the last week or so, when I’ve been putting the boys to bed that I feel an element of apprehension that our peaceful family of three is about to become larger and some of the threads on here don’t make for pleasant reading.

A common theme on MN is lazy pre-teen/teens who have no responsibilities, leave things are their arse and expect someone else to pick up after them. This is major.

How are your kids going to feel having to do their chores and pick up after themselves when their step-siblings don't have to. What about when your OH stops cleaning up after them and it's dumped on you. I'm sorry to say, but I great dad wouldn't allow his kids to be on their phones all day and not do anything for themselves. As parents, it's our job to raise functioning members of society. Your OH is failing on that part and it's going to become an issue when you expect things of your kids that he doesn't.

How would you work out the finances?
What would he expect you to do with his kids? What would you expect him to do with yours?

Who would do the housework?

You’re right. It isn’t quite so blatant as that, the children aren’t lazy but the values aren’t there to all chip in and contribute, if that makes sense? I certainly wouldn’t expect mine to be hoovering from dusk until dawn, but I do like them to put their pants away and stack their plates in the dishwasher etc. DP is actually a lot tidier than I am, he is often flying round, keeping a clean ship so no issues with him not putting his weight.

@CoCoNoDough Financially, I’ll be contributing to food and a little bit extra for bills etc but our homes will be remaining in our own names.

parenting wise, it’s been quite easy so far. Whenever we are together, we all get on in a relaxed way, I tend to take the lead with mine and he with his whenever a firmer word is needed and at bedtimes etc.

There is no way I'd move them into 'his' home. It would have to be somewhere new for you all. Start on a level playing field.

I'd only remotely be considering it in your position if I could do that. New home, bedroom each. Plus a way to escape if it didn't go well.

How are the relationships with both Ex's in this picture. As in our case and a lot of cases it seems, it not the kids, or the parenting Styles that mess it up, it's the extreme pressure from the behaviour of the ex's involved, that eventually embroils the kids, that throw the spanner's in the works.

That’s been a concern of mine @lunar1 . Renting both of our houses out to rent another just seems such a pain in the arse (and expensive). But if it helped us all… worth it.

Relationships with ex’s on both sides are amicable. DP and his ex don’t talk often, but co-parent well enough. Me and my ex speak most days about the children and their routines etc, it’s friendly and we parent well, I hope.

A lot depends on your circumstances. Can you afford a home so all the dc have the same personal space as before (eg own rooms if that's what they have) do all the dc have similar contact with other parents?

Nooooooo don’t do!

wait until youngest is 16 year…

We can yes @mitogoshigg. Fortunately, we are financially comfortable and whether we move in DP’s house or rent, there will be bedrooms for each child (or stay as we are which I feel in becoming increasingly likely with every post I read 🤪😂)

I absolutely wouldn't. My dsc's mum did this with her boyfriend and the eldest dsc had a terrible time with it. Really struggled.