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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Blending our families

83 replies

Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 15:58

Hi,

My Partner and I have been together three years, after the break down of our previous marriages (mine, 4.5 years ago when ex had an affair).

We have two lovely children each, two boys 8,5 on my side, two girls 11,9 on his side.

After some gradual part time blending, family holidays abroad and increasing the time we are all together, the time feels right to move under one roof. The children get on really well, some differences in parenting style but not necessarily a bad thing - it’s good to have a balanced opinion sometimes.

However, having done lots of research and reading lots of threads on Mumsnet, I’m suddenly really apprehensive. It looks like the majority of people really struggle to blend and their children are unhappy. If I thought for one moment, my kids would be unhappy, I won’t do it and continue as we are.

so I guess I’m looking for some pragmatic advice. Should we stay as we are? I like our life but would ideally live to all be together, get married and daily adult companionship.

thanks in advance!

OP posts:
turkeymuffin · 23/10/2024 18:03

Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 17:22

That’s a really interesting analogy @TheCultureHusks, do you think time would help that and become the new normal? Or be a permanent feeling of unease? As an adult, I’d hate it and this has given me another pause for thought, so thank you.

Don't do it.

My mum had several boyfriends and then one long term who became by step dad. The BEST thing she ever did was wait until we were 18+ to move in with him. Living with someone else that you have chosen (not them) means their "safe" place is gone. They will have to compromise on small things and big things. They will fall out with the steps and you will feel caught in the middle. Especially moving into his house means you are guests and they are having their house taken over (by a woman who wants them to do chores... that's not going to end well).

Also remember they only have you 50% of the time. If you dilute this even more they really are going to lose the family unit you cherish.

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 23/10/2024 18:06

Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 18:02

As much as I would love to live with my partner and raise our children as one unit, I don’t want to risk giving any of them a childhood which they are having therapy to recover from! They are all wonderful kids. A crystal ball would be great,

Meh, my parents stayed together and I ended up in therapy.

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 18:07

Thank you @turkeymuffin. I’m certainly not the type of person to start barking chores but I appreciate your point 😂

It does hurt to only have my children 50% of the time. Their dad is a great influence so wanted them to have the best of both of us, but it does hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 18:08

Well yes @Wouldhavebeenproficient, me too despite having quite a stable upbringing. There are no guarantees are there.

OP posts:
Lavenderflower · 23/10/2024 18:11

Can you do a trial for 6 months to see how it goes? If you get too much you can back to your house.

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 18:17

We could @Lavenderflower. I am renting ny house out so there isn’t a finite time it was be a ‘no turning back’ solution in a practical sense. This would be very turbulent for the children though.

OP posts:
kirinm · 23/10/2024 18:17

One of the issues that seems to come up on the threads is that one set of kids suddenly see their step siblings parents all the time where the actual children don't. That seems to be a cause of resentment. Honestly, your set up sounds good now.

UltramarineViolet · 23/10/2024 18:18

It sounds like you have more to lose than you do to gain so personally I would not risk it. Yes, it might work out well but if it doesn't then it could be really detrimental you the wellbeing of your DC.

It sounds like you live quite close and your custody arrangements allow you to spend plenty of time together each week so in my mind you have the best of both worlds.

If you are still together and all DC still getting along well in another 5-10 years when the DC are all a bit older then you can always revisit the decision

Larrythebloodycat · 23/10/2024 18:32

It might work out, but the odds are against all four children adapting to this new living situation without any struggle or distress. They are not tinies who won't remember anything different and they are not yet teenagers who will be out of the house a lot and forging their independent lives.

BeachRide · 23/10/2024 18:44

Your children have already experienced upheaval. Please don't give them any more until they're much older.

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 23/10/2024 19:01

Thank you all. We will have a chat about it all but I think I know the best thing is to remain in our separate homes. Selfishly, I’m mourning the thought of not bringing the children up with my partner, getting married and building one ‘home’ but ultimately, our children come first and their stability is paramount.

OP posts:
Doggyhelp · 23/10/2024 19:52

Maybe it’s just too soon? More time together as a whole family and more days clocked up may make you feel more confident in taking the next step.

It may just be that now isn’t quite the right time and that’s ok. You could revisit this in 12 months and feel differently!

BeachRide · 23/10/2024 20:06

It is selfish to put your 'want' (to live with your boyfriend) over their 'need' (for stability). You have a lot of time as an adult, they have a finite time of healthy brain growth as children. I'm sorry it is the way it is. But do right by them. Your time will come 🙂

MummyJ36 · 23/10/2024 20:09

Well done for making a selfless decision for your kids OP. Not everyone in your situation would do this an I genuinely applaud it. I really do think you could look at doing this in the future when the kids are a bit older and you’ve been together a bit longer. No reason why this can’t be on the cards in the long term and something to work towards.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 23/10/2024 20:20

It's lovely to see you putting the children first. Don't forget you can stiop get married and build a home together, just once your children can all go off and build their own homes.

MeridianB · 24/10/2024 13:22

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 23/10/2024 16:03

Stay apart till the children leave home!!! The little differences in parenting will become major differences.

If you do still want to try - keep your own home and rent it out etc to give it a year trial but I wouldn’t be , they are about to all become teenagers and not be as cool with stepmum

Totally agree with this. Not worth it.

MeridianB · 24/10/2024 13:27

"prefers to do things himself to make sure it’s done ‘properly.’ Therefore his girls don’t contribute are generally on their phones a lot. "

This is the crack that will grow and make life less enjoyable/really horrible for everyone else in the house. It will only get worse as they hit teens - and by that time it will be too late to change their attitudes. And presumably you won't be able to do a thing about it. ⛳Don't put your sweet boys in the middle of that. There's a reason why you have noticed it and mentioned it here...

MeridianB · 24/10/2024 13:28

And like a twit - I now see your last post about not blending - apologies. I don't think you will regret it.

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 24/10/2024 14:16

Thank you all again, we had a chat last night which was bitter sweet. DP was disappointed and thought I was perhaps dwelling on the negatives which may or may not come to fruition. It puts a stop to our plans to move forward as one and create a family which is sad. I keep thinking of friends and family who have made it work. But they tend to be families where one of the partners did not have children of their own, or one child visiting every other weekend rather than all together, all the time. So many moving parts and ultimately, not worth the upset of a failed attempt. I’d rather stay as we are.

OP posts:
TrelawnyBastian · 24/10/2024 14:34

Mums-netters hate stepchildren and blended families so the answer will always be a no on here.

It will probably be hard work, but both you and your partner have to be on the same page with parenting.

Be open with the kids talk to them about this process. Make sure you tell them if they are ever really unhappy you can all move back, assure them they can tell you anything.

It’s a big life change of course, but you’re only human of course you want to live with your partner and have a family life. You’ll know what to do for the best.

It may all go to shit, but it may also go great! The main thing is you have the security of your own home to go back to.

Good luck x

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 24/10/2024 14:55

Thank you so much for the balanced outlook @TrelawnyBastian.

OP posts:
cout · 24/10/2024 14:58

Mums-netters hate stepchildren and blended families so the answer will always be a no on here.

No, we don't hate anything. Some of us have lived in blended families and hated every second, however.

Illpickthatup · 24/10/2024 17:47

Elizabeth20100 · 24/10/2024 14:16

Thank you all again, we had a chat last night which was bitter sweet. DP was disappointed and thought I was perhaps dwelling on the negatives which may or may not come to fruition. It puts a stop to our plans to move forward as one and create a family which is sad. I keep thinking of friends and family who have made it work. But they tend to be families where one of the partners did not have children of their own, or one child visiting every other weekend rather than all together, all the time. So many moving parts and ultimately, not worth the upset of a failed attempt. I’d rather stay as we are.

Did you discuss his approach to parenting and your concerns about that? Is it something he would be willing to work on. Not just for your benefit as a couple but the girls sounds like they need more structure and responsibilities? Or does he see no issues with his parenting?

Original poster
Elizabeth20100 · 24/10/2024 18:47

I did @Illpickthatup, I was careful about it as didn’t want him to feel picked to pieces on the same evening I was telling him I had reservations (enough to give anyone insecurities). Ultimately, we all parent differently don’t we. I personally don’t like the boys on screens, others don’t see an issue. I suppose the difference in blended life is that you can’t retreat back home to live your family values - this would be the new normal. Must be tricky for nuclear families too when the parents have differing views on things too of course.

OP posts:
MaryLeith · 24/10/2024 19:24

I’ve appreciated reading this and the thought you’ve put into it and your determination to put your kids first