To think MN is horrible about blended families?

[kungfullama]

I've seen so many posts recently that just leads to think MN sees blended families as second class somehow.

Threads where ex wives are behaving horribly and withholding contact but are being defended because 'they were left' so somehow have the right to pass their bitterness onto their kids.

Posters screaming LTB at the slightest bit of conflict between dc and stepparents as if conflict doesn't ever occur in traditional families too.

Insinuating that new partners are just flash in the pan 'boyfriends' even when the relationship is long term or they're married.

Blended families can be complicated and the dynamics might be slightly different. But I know for a fact my dc lives are so much better with their bio parents apart and made considerably richer with the involvement of their two loving stepparents. I don't see us as being lesser than a traditional family. Not sure why others do.

I thought you were saying that being in a blended family can be financially beneficial as the DSC benefit from x2 (or more) incomes.
Is that wrong?

I was pointing out that on the SP threads the general consensus was ‘not your children, not your financial burden’, ergo the DSC do not automatically benefit from the second income, it’s often carefully ringfenced.

Even if you don't directly contribute to DSC's costs, you are contributing to household income. Half of the cost of a 3 bed house and utility bills is significantly cheaper than all of the cost of a 2 bed flat and utility bills. It's well documented that running 2 households is much more expensive than sharing a household.

The someone else’s children is often in response to issues regarding normal care not parental care/decisions.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think SPs should have to do much of the caring for DSC their parents should wash, cook, clean etc.

BUT ‘someone else’s children’ is usually used to describe a lack of regard for the child - akin to that of a stranger.

do a search on the term and see how it’s used.

A two income household is more financially secure than a one income household. I doubt that is a reason why anyone would move in with their partner alone, but it is a potential benefit to all in the family. As is the availability of a second adult's time and effort (if of course that second adult is motivated to be a good step parent, and in any group of parents/step parents this varies, you only need to read some of the threads where women are finally abused or mistreated in a marriage with their kids' bio dad. Same with step families, it varies.).

I'm not sure what other people's threads have got to do with this or me? Are you under the impression that those who are step parents or supportive of blended families must hold the same views? That would be odd...

I had a look and there was quite a few types of usage:

• Ex has moved in with new partner and her kids whilst neglecting his own
• Friend/relative wants me to provide childcare
• Friend/relative wants to spend time with me but their children are horrendous
• Ex's new partner earns a lot of money and OP wants her to pay maintenance
• Stepmum is sick of being used as an unpaid nanny by DP and his ex

I couldn't find where SP's were refusing to participate in normal family life at all because the children are "someone else's kids".

You should obviously know that if you become a step-parent you are going to be living in a family which includes children. If, as a parent, you have any doubt about your partner being able to take on the role of step-parent, you need to work that out before moving in, or end the relationship.

Hmmm… clearly your search was selective.

we agree on your last point - it’s basically ‘you should have known what you were getting into’ you’d get crucified on the SP forum for saying that.

and yes to parents being more picky about who they bring into their child’s life, but as we’ve seen here , many are selfish, deluded and/or in denial about the effects of blended families on children.

It's true that you never really know what you're getting into. You don't know what you're getting into when you get pregnant either. It's never as you expect. SPs should be able to vent about it being hard, just as parents are, and not be dismissed with "you knew what you were getting into".

It wasn't, I typed in the words you gave me and that's what came up on the first page.

I do think that when you look at all blended families, at least 50% of the adults in a blended family wrongly thought a relationship was stable enough to have children at least once before, and have now committed to another partner, so there may be a higher chance they've got it wrong again.

I only speak as a stepchild, I’m married to the father of my children, I know this is a one sided perspective, but I do wonder if it’s both parties brining children into the marriage that makes it harder. My stepdad didn’t have children, and even when my half sibling was born that transition was so much easier than my stepmam brining her children. Blended families require so much patience and understanding. That’s really hard for the adults, and I’m not sure most children won’t find it even more difficult.

But having read this thread I also wonder if the other biological parent being absent, also makes blending families easier (although it’s horrible for the child in other ways). My siblings and I had 2 blended families to navigate, one with my mam, and one with my dad. We were also on the peripheral of my step siblings’ ‘other’ blended family (obviously we weren’t directly involved in their dad’s side of the family, but it was naturally part of our lives). That was a minefield for absolutely everyone involved.

I think it probably does simplify the situation quite a bit if one bio-parent just disappears, but I think that leaves deeper scars in the long term.

I can't understand how it's a silly question on Meow's part? That's exactly what happens when you get a step-parent: a stranger moves into your house (possibly bringing their own children with them) and you have no choice but to live with them.

I've always thought it was interesting that, in an era where teachers are warned not to be alone with a pupil in a classroom, parents will happily allow an unrelated male access to their children's bedrooms every night.

Doesn't that apply to being a child in any home? You have no say over who your Mum or Dad is or any of your siblings. Calling a step-parent a stranger is the silly bit.

Because your dad is your dad. He was there at conception, hopefully at delivery and there every day. A sibling you watch growing in your mum, you meet the day they are born. You also partly imprint on them from the day they are born. The good and bad. They are a tiny you form your mum and dad.

There is still the difference from being born into a biology shitty family, and having that family breakdown and having one or two new shitty families thrust upon you ontop of the shit of having two homes to start with.

You might not like the term stranger for a step parent but they were at one point and they may well still feel like one to the child. As in they don’t feel like a parental figure, nor a friend. They are just a person who shares the same house that you talk to. Maybe not a stranger in the sense of you know their name and birthday maybe. But as an actual person who really means much to you they are not a friend nor family. An acquaintance if you prefer to stranger.

@ZoeCM I've always thought it was interesting that, in an era where teachers are warned not to be alone with a pupil in a classroom, parents will happily allow an unrelated male access to their children's bedrooms every night.

Why does it matter that they're unrelated? I assume you're implying the step parents are predators, but abuse absolutely happens between related family members. Even ones you've lived with for years.

I think its well established while biological parents may abuse their children, the incidence of abuse is far greater if a child has a step parent, of either sex

Children are more likely to face abuse in a household where they reside with an unrelated adult.

I don’t even use babysitters for my children. Like hell would I move an unrelated man in to be alone with my children.

I believe that blended families work if the adults are committed to making it work and can see weak points in all the relationships. I think parents who just assume that there kids will want to spend time with their new partners kids or look at changing living arrangements to soon will just result in things backfiring on them. I have been part of a blended family before and it was hardwork. I didn't think in the end it benefitted my children.

I'm in a new relationship and from the start his attitude to this has been really important to me. We both agree we would like our kids to be around each other and ourselves but we think that living together would chaos and would build resentment. There all teenagers now so we know that they won't all be at home forever.

@Wellingtonspie a partner doesn’t have to be left alone with your children just because you live together. You can stay with them at all times, just as you would if the partner wasn’t living there

It's the definition of 'stranger' that's a bit daft.
I'm not saying that there aren't people who move a partner in ridiculously early. But I don't think that's all or even the norm. My children knew my partner for 3 years before we moved in together.
It was carefully planned so that everyone had time, space in the new home and knew each other well.
I find the idea of insisting that someone the children have known well for over 3 years is a stranger, just because they are not a blood relation, just daft. And a bit hysterical.

so the only plus side to moving in your new chap is what sharing a bed nightly and cash then.

Because in a normal family. Dad would watch the children while you work or go out just as you would watch the children while he may be at work or out with friends. Being able
to pop to the shops or run errands without tag alongs.

If his just warming my bed and paying some rent he can live in his own home and we can have sex when the children are out / at dads.

No need to blend. Amazing.

So families formed by adoption aren't valid either? It's all just about biology? Every single person you know and trust was once a stranger to you.

I’m a Dad, I wasn’t there at their conception, I wouldn’t have been much use if I was, I wasn’t there when they were born, one I met at 18 months, the other at about six weeks, and ten weeks when her big brother met her.

They start off a stranger and you get the choice to build a relationship with them. They can move to a friend to a best friend to like family if you decide.

The child gets zero choice on their new step mum/dad some might form a true connection. Many won’t they will just play along till they leave home.

Adoption is a whole different barrel. That child is not having contact with their biological parents they have new legal parents. However if you really want to get into it a lot of adopted children as adults go to the ends of the earth to find their “true” “real” families. In some cases quite a few actually dumping their adoptive parents along the way in favour of their biological parents. You only have to read online of adoptive parents being heart broken that the children they have raised have gone low or no contact in favour of their birth families.

We are a blended family.

I had a long term relationship and he was a nasty piece of work. Shouldn't really have got pregnant but I did. The dad went awol never to be heard from again.

Met my now dh about 18 months later. We've been together 17 years now and have one child together too.

I do resent it when people say blended families are always bad news. Dh is a thoroughly decent man who has been a huge emotional, practical and financial support.

I think it made it a lot easier all round that we met when ds was a baby and dh had no children. Ds hasn't had to make any sacrifices only gained.

If you suspect the person you're in a relationship with is a predator then you might want to rethink your choices. That has nothing to do with whether blended families as a concept are bad.

Some step parents are shit people. Some biological parents are shit people. They make shit choices and the kids feel the fall out. I suspect the children of these parents would have trauma and dysfunctional childhoods even if the parents had remained single.

I mean tell that to everyone who ever dated or married or raised such a person. Who had no idea till they knew. Because all of those people would have said not my Nigel. No not Fred his lovely. No way Ryan he seemed so normal. Lizzie she would never she was such a sweet girl.

Unfortunately abusers and sex offenders don’t tend to walk around with neon signs or tattoos on their foreheads. Same as shitty people, they put on a lovely persona to the outside world while they torment their victim.

Men again have been known to target single mothers as a way to get to their daughters.