Blending our families

[Elizabeth20100]

Hi,

My Partner and I have been together three years, after the break down of our previous marriages (mine, 4.5 years ago when ex had an affair).

We have two lovely children each, two boys 8,5 on my side, two girls 11,9 on his side.

After some gradual part time blending, family holidays abroad and increasing the time we are all together, the time feels right to move under one roof. The children get on really well, some differences in parenting style but not necessarily a bad thing - it’s good to have a balanced opinion sometimes.

However, having done lots of research and reading lots of threads on Mumsnet, I’m suddenly really apprehensive. It looks like the majority of people really struggle to blend and their children are unhappy. If I thought for one moment, my kids would be unhappy, I won’t do it and continue as we are.

so I guess I’m looking for some pragmatic advice. Should we stay as we are? I like our life but would ideally live to all be together, get married and daily adult companionship.

thanks in advance!

That’s a long time to live solo @Guavafish1. My ex husband met another woman when my youngest was 1 years old, that’s a long time to not have adult companionship. Worth it for my children, but still…

Sorry @mitogoshigg, forgot to answer about contact. We each have them 50/50 on the same schedule.

Honestly, it’s not what anyone wants to hear but no, it’s not the best thing for them.

Think about your best friend and her family. Someone you love spending time with and have fun with. Would really enjoy a holiday with and you’d get on well. Now imagine she and her kids and husband turned up with their bags and you now live with them permanently. Sharing a bathroom. Your space is now also their own space that they feel equally entitled to do their own thing in. No more your kitchen and things the way you like them. It’s hers now too. So the polite and lovely but ultimately short term ‘holiday’ situation where you don’t get to do things exactly how you’d do them because you’re sharing a space is now your permanent situation. Would you choose that? Of course not.

That’s how it is for kids made to blend. You’re blending with the partner you’ve chosen. They’re having their safe space changed into a communal space with people they are not ultimately ‘safe’ with in the unique way you’re safe with your family. It’s massive, and is not the ideal living situation for anyone.

Wait until the children have finished school.

You can ask all you like, and your children will swear blind that it's fine and they are happy, but they most likely won't have the heart to say they aren't when they see that you want it.
Don't put them in that position, because when children love their parents they won't let on.

We did it ten years ago and it's been tough.
My girls have thrived, a stable home, a male figure in their lives and both are young adults in uni and doing great.

My sd is another story. Unemployed young adult. Won't speak to any of us, hasn't really spoken to me in seven years, caused so so much upset with lies, stealing, behaviour.
I never want to see her again after what she's done and I doubt she ever wants to see me again. She has hated me from the day we got married and has done everything to sabotage it.

If us living together and subsequently marrying was the trigger for some of what she did I would turn the clock back for her.
Even then she may have turned into what she is or be so horrible and manipulative as an adult but it wouldn't rest as a guilt on my shoulders so heavily and she may be in the place my daughters are at ( they aren't my dh children we've had none together )

That’s a really interesting analogy @TheCultureHusks, do you think time would help that and become the new normal? Or be a permanent feeling of unease? As an adult, I’d hate it and this has given me another pause for thought, so thank you.

That sounds awful @socks1107. I’m so sorry you’ve all had that experience and it must have been a really difficult time.

I absolutely wouldn't do this. His oldest daughter is about to be a teenager and she is going to have to live with boys she isn't related to in a home that she is used to sharing with just her parent and sister. They are all too young to understand what it is like to permanently live with another family but it hardly ever works out well once the kids are older. Continue with your current arrangement, you don't have to live together to be in a relationship, and put your kids first.

I wouldn’t.

Did you say you are moving into his house?

In your shoes - I would rent my house out and do a 6 month trial of living as a blended family elsewhere

I do think you should communicate your worries to your man now though so that he can understand your concerns - if he is the real deal he will listen and be respectful/mindful of these things going forward

There are some success stories on here I’ve seen them but you rarely hear about those as the board is usually for complaints about ex’s or step kids etc

Thank you @Quitelikeit, I am trying to have a balanced view and be mindful that not everyone who is happy is flocking to mumsnet to post about it, so there will be skewed perspective. But I’ve got my eyes open too and ultimately, want what’s best for our children. What that is however, I’m still feeling unsure about. I’ll be having a chat with DP this evening.

I love my step kids I'm just making the OP aware that one of them really struggled with the blending at their mum's house. She liked the other kids but my word it did a number on her self esteem

My ex H moved in with his girlfriend plus her boy and girl.
We share our 2 (girl) children 50:50 and always have had a good relationship.

My girls did occasionally have a moan about their new Step brother and sister. But they also did have some fun times. Over a period of 3/4 yrs my Ex and his partner broke down. She parented so differently to us. Lots of shouting and things. And I think ultimately this caused a problem. My ex and daughters would basically’hide’ upstairs while they all had it out with each other! Was a bit crazy.

He moved out and is much happier. His new partner has no kids.

Luckily my new partner did not have kids.

Really consider this, from point of view of your own relationship too. Obvs kids come first but is a shame if you end to having too many differences.

I wouldn't at those ages as you will have years of kids in the house still to come..
Its not really a thing where I am from though, usually people live apart and are just in a relationship until the kids are much older.. its much more common to blend in the UK.
If you do decide take a deep dive into the step parenting board so you know what you are getting into. I remember describing having a baby like throwing a bomb into a relationship, I am imagine the same for blending only worse as it is not a shared child or goal

This.

Why insert this upheaval into their lives; they've already been through enough trauma.

If you both only have your kids 50/50 on the same schedule, then that leaves you plenty of adult time together, I can’t see how keeping separate homes could leave you feeling lovely and deprived of adult time. You could spend all of your 50% child free time at his house.

Thank you everyone for such helpful points and advice.

@SpikeyHousePlant I suppose it’s the feeling of having a shared home for us all and a more conventional life and set up. We do have plenty of time together, and thought it would be nice to solidify that. But there are a lot of reasons I have witnessed here over the past couple of weeks why countless families have found blending really hard. That’s not the goal.

@Elizabeth20100 the funny thing about all this, is that on MN and this thread. Most people are very much ‘ No Way’

But in reality, the people I know of that have separated and are in new relationships with kids have all moved in together. I don’t know anyone in an adult relationship who lives in Separate houses (apart from young people can’t afford to move out)

Definitely discuss this proactively with your partner ahead of time and how you want to approach these differences. Also other things like whether you always want to be a united front with the kids even if you disagree with the way the other is parenting or feel like they're being unfair. And simple things like, if one of us says no, it's a no they can't just go and ask the other one.

First advice would be to always have an exit strategy, keep your own house or don't get into a position where financially you couldn't move solo again. Unfortunately sometimes making a commitment such as marriage or joint financial ties triggers a change in behaviour.

The principle area for conflict is parenting styles and often because fathers treat daughters as "princesses". Another common challenge is step fathers getting competitive with teen boys - there is a current thread about this.

Why did his marriage end?

Blended families are incredibly hard work as you are throwing together children who would not naturally live together. It's the parents desire and they can often overlook the challenges, maybe through blind optimism. It's important to discuss everything and do so without defensiveness.

Have you had a contentious issue that you have worked through?

I know of a blended family, outwardly they seemed to function but now the children are older they talk about their unhappiness. Of course they had happy times but the reality of day to day tended to have more downsides than positives. How will your children benefit over and above their lives now?

I am trying to have a balanced view and be mindful that not everyone who is happy is flocking to mumsnet to post about it

That is an important point. From Mumsnet you would think every marriage is unhappy, no men contribute their share of household tasks and every man is having an affair.

I totally get that you want to live with your partner. That’s completely normal :) I wonder who on this thread does not live with/ or want to live with their partner?

Its a tough one.

No one on this thread has said they don’t want to live with a partner. They are pointing out, quite sensibly, most people would not choose to live with a parent’s partner and their kids.

As much as I would love to live with my partner and raise our children as one unit, I don’t want to risk giving any of them a childhood which they are having therapy to recover from! They are all wonderful kids. A crystal ball would be great,

@MotiRoller what I meant, is that personally I don’t know anyone in this scenario who didn’t end up moving in together.

I know probably 7 or 8 families blended (not friends just school parents etc) I have no idea if it’s worked out for them or not.

Including myself as a child. Fortunately our blended family (wasn’t even a word then!!) was a really positive experience.