Unblending

[Notanotherchange]

Am very stressed at the moment and need some kind advice! My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and had a surprise baby. We have maintained separate house for ages but he and SS have moved in with me and my BD and our LO. I’ve got PPD but have gone back to work and trying to get back to me.

it’s not been long but it’s not working! The older kids bicker non stop, which is normal but there’s never any peace. My Daughter is 8 and has additional needs ( autism and adhd) which my partner struggles with. She has now told me she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

Partner and I are always fighting, I have suggested living apart but he rejects it as SS won’t see the baby enough. But SS isn’t happy either. He feels left out when I take the baby upstairs when I change etc, and in understand that but I cannot leave with him and need privacy. Partner has argued with me a few times in Front of the kids which I do not like, and said some horrible things. I have mentioned my PPD, and he asked me why didn’t I put I had had depression on my dating profile or told him earlier I had a child with additional needs.

I am tired and feeling stretched so thin. Trying to keep everyone happy. Will this get better or should I insist they move? I feel sorry for all
the kids but I want us all
to have peace.

It's not fair to call him a cocklodger unless the op says he's a cocklodger, he could be paying his share of all bills and food for all we know. But well done on kicking him out.

He’s clearly in denial now and hoping it all goes away. You need to give him a deadline.

he should at least be taking steps to go.

He won't unless you make him. He's been using leaving as a threat. This time it didn't work. I'm worried what he will do if threats of leaving don't work. Please make steps to get him out.

He’s just trying to keep you in line because he doesn’t want to lose his free nanny and skivvy.

Does he have family he could go to? Or a couple of hundred quid to pay for an Airbnb? If so there’s really no need to feel guilty, just walk in there on Sat with some bin bags and tell him to pack his stuff and be gone by the evening or you’re calling the police/ his mum/ your mum/ friends/ chucking everything on the front lawn and changing the locks. He’s brought this on himself and he’s not going to do the decent thing here without some serious action from you.

If he won't go, call the police.

Tell him he has until 3pm Daturday to move all his shit out. You've been more than generous after what he's said

& be glad it's all over. Any contact he wants with your toddler, make him go to court for. Your toddler doesn't need him in his life.

I'm sorry he turned out to be an absolute fuckwit, it's time to stop him jerking you about.

everytime you feel guilty. Remind yourself what he's said about your lovely daughter and you.!!!

Where is the baby supposed to go? That's a very odd thing to say.

Tell him to get out for everyone's sake. He's really bad for you and your daughter. Living together as a blended family isn't working for your stepchild. Time to separate homes. Tbh I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him for saying those things about my child and me. He sounds horrible.

Ask him if that's a promise.

Hi OP I hope he's gone now?

Did you manage to chuck him out yet @Notanotherchange?

Wondering this too as there’s no update

Textbook...
insults - trying to belittle you and make you doubt yourself
threats - its over if i have to house myself
denial - nothing happened lets just pretend you said nothing
and now he is love bombing...
All tactics to get bully, manipulate and get what he wants.
OP if you are still reading, dont fall for it. It will get bad again, and next time it will be worse.

Hello, OP here thought I’d update you. So I did say to go, and then the next day it was like nothing happened again. So I brought up living separately yet again and managed to have a reasonable conversation.

but then no steps were taken to action it and he just carried on as normal. Every tried to hug me but I said no, you’ve said some horrid things about me and my child. He then tried to make out like he hadn’t said those things( red flag) and I left it.

we have since had a couple of big rows and he insists on doing it in front of the kids and told me that they were only there because of the baby.

so again I approached him and said you must go this is not acceptable, he got angry said I was a ‘fucked up depressive’ and my kid was violent and said he would be speaking to social services.

the next day he tried to act like nothing had happened again, but calmly I said you have to go, and I think the penny had dropped as he has said he is going to look for accommodation. I’ve given him a week. Even though I shouldn’t have.

You’re been very generous giving him a week. If after the week he hasn’t left, once he’s at work I’d pack up his stuff and dump it outside/shed and change the locks.

Thanks for the update @Notanotherchange

I'm sorry he's being such an arse. Hope he leaves soon!

I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to backtrack again as accommodation might not be that easily found. So you need to stay firm on this.

he is going to look for accommodation

You do realise what this means (or more accurately doesn’t mean)? My bet is he’ll either ask his mum/ mate once if they know anywhere or he can move in, and if they say no, he’ll be back on his arse at yours calling you god knows what and making all your lives miserable. I very much doubt he’s got his name down for a rental with local estate agents/ is spending a good time scouring Rightmove.

I still think you need to give him a deadline, and make life a bit more miserable for him in the meantime (stop doing his washing/ minimal cooking etc). He thinks you’re joking.

It will take weeks or even a few months for him to sort something out.

You have given him a week. Stick to it or you will never be rid. He can go and stay with family or a friend for a while. If you don't stand form, he will start with the"But it's Christmas coming up" emotional blackmail.

So you are exactly where you were a month ago? This situation could go on indefinitely unless you take the initiative i.e. change the locks.

I think you'll need to be very firm about this @Notanotherchange

If, in a week, he hasn't moved out, what are you going to do?

How's your daughter BTW?

Ooh yes @CagneyNYPD1 good point, there’s a limited window before @Notanotherchange risks being portrayed as the female version of Ebenezer Scrooge himself, casting out a poor unfortunate fully grown adult with a means to earn an income and support himself into the cold just before Christmas…. Honestly if the house flooded he’d find somewhere to live, just get him out.

@Notanotherchange just check yourself here, are you secretly hoping that these threats are going to get him to sort himself out? Because I don’t think that’s going to happen, and honestly the more you threaten but don’t do anything the more confidence you give him that you never will.

OP, please contact 101 for advice.
You and your child are being abused by a man that you have asked to leave YOUR home.
Your child has said they would rather not be alive and is witnessing this abuse.
Put your child first.
Put yourself first.

I would assume,in your shoes ,he has no intention of going .
Have you a dad or brother who could come and escort him of the premises, preferably when the SS is in school