Unblending

[Notanotherchange]

Am very stressed at the moment and need some kind advice! My partner and I have been together almost 3 years and had a surprise baby. We have maintained separate house for ages but he and SS have moved in with me and my BD and our LO. I’ve got PPD but have gone back to work and trying to get back to me.

it’s not been long but it’s not working! The older kids bicker non stop, which is normal but there’s never any peace. My Daughter is 8 and has additional needs ( autism and adhd) which my partner struggles with. She has now told me she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

Partner and I are always fighting, I have suggested living apart but he rejects it as SS won’t see the baby enough. But SS isn’t happy either. He feels left out when I take the baby upstairs when I change etc, and in understand that but I cannot leave with him and need privacy. Partner has argued with me a few times in Front of the kids which I do not like, and said some horrible things. I have mentioned my PPD, and he asked me why didn’t I put I had had depression on my dating profile or told him earlier I had a child with additional needs.

I am tired and feeling stretched so thin. Trying to keep everyone happy. Will this get better or should I insist they move? I feel sorry for all
the kids but I want us all
to have peace.

Again not your problem.

Unless your DD can go and live with her dad - which it appears she can't as you haven't mentioned him - then your DD needs to come before his son as she is your child.

His son will come before your DD to him, but its his responsibility to deal with it.

He sounds nasty with his comments about your depression and your DD and making out he wouldn't have dated you if he'd known. What a knob. I would say he needs to move out (although finding a rental is like gold dust these days, so he might struggle to get one). Your DSS needs to realise that he can't dictate where you go with the baby. It's awful that your DD says she doesn't want to be alive at aged 8. Has she said it's specifically because they have moved in?
Anyway, it's up to you but I'd probably end the relationship too because of what he said about DD. He's not a positive influence or good stepdad for her.

You need to prioritise yourself and your 2 children right now, which means him and his son moving out. See how things go from there.
All the best.

Yeah, I could see that looming on the horizon.

You, your DD, your partner, his son and your 15 month old baby just don’t work as a unit. It’s ok to say that.

Your partner needs to find a new rental and you all need some space.

Your baby is 15 months old and you been together less than 3 years. So you got pregnant in a short space of time. You are now beginning to see who he really is op. Do you own your house. The fact his tenancy was coming to the end doesn't matter. It's not working and you need to prioritise your existing dc.

So he moved in with you entirely for his own convenience?

It doesn’t sound like he’s made a huge effort to make this work and appears to be blaming you for the problems that have since cropped up. What a surprise!

I think he needs to move out asap and start contributing maintenance for his baby. You also need to put your own daughter’s feelings above his.

You could agree to continue as boyfriend/girlfriend for now and look at reviewing the situation in a year or two. Although, I strongly suspect that by then he’ll have found another mug to house and parent his son for him, but I hope I’m wrong.

Yeah... you're updates are not painting him in any better light. Chanel your inner strength and stand up for what you want and the interests of your children.

His issues are fundamentally his problem and while you may want to help (as anyone in a relationship probably would), you should not do at the expense of yourself or your children. It sounds a lot like you have been pushed/guilted into his moving in.

They need to move out ASAP.
It doesn't work and everyone is suffering.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work. How convenient that he moved in with you when his tenancy was coming to an end.

Oh and do it now before he brings your self-esteem so far down that you no longer have the mental strength to get rid of him.

As others have said your DD needs are great, I have an ADHD/ASD son and they're needing tonnes of support and that doesn't sound like it's working

Aha, so he has his son full time?

No wonder he doesn’t want to move out, and perhaps even no wonder to ‘surprise baby’.

He thought he’d found (and perhaps tried his hardest to lock down) a new mother figure and general skivvy.

Move him and his son out asap. You’re all suffering, especially your Dd. The only person this is really benefiting is the man who suddenly doesn’t have to solo parent anymore!

Well he didn’t want the surprise baby… that was another argument. But yea it is convenient for him.

Yes. Yet another cocklodger whose living conditions weren't quite what he wanted, so he just moved in with you.

It doesn't sound like this working for his son either. It must be hard for him to not see his mum and be plonked quickly into a family with a new baby and an older child with additional needs. It is ok to say everyone will be better off apart. Your partner seems to be the only one unable to see that.

Well just said it would be better, he has not taken it well. Said it will be final.

Well done!

He’s going on and on at me

Because his convenient housing & live in nanny is disappearing.

Is there anyone you can call on for support to remove him?

Call the police if you feel threatened.

It will be ok, he’s just saying he’s pissed off as his son won’t see his brother ( not true) that I’m a bad parent and my son is draining.

Charming.

At least you know exactly what he thinks of you all.

This.

He is not a good man. So you shouldn't have him living with your DD. You can make poor choices dating but you can't inflict them on her.

Move them out, arrange proper visitation.

I guarantee he doesn't give a shit about how often your DSS sees his half-brother, he just likes the financial benefits and ease of living at yours.

I'd put money on you being the person who does more housework and caring for your youngest and he knows that if he moves out he's going to have to pay more, parent more and clean more, and he doesn't want to.

Do you feel safe getting him to actually go?
He has tried going on at you, the next stage will be trying to stay.