Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And she's pregnant again.

He's obviously just waiting for the right person who can take care of ALL of his children.

3 is still a baby in many ways, both you and the dad sound useless and mean. Poor little thing, I think when your child hits 3 you will realise how little it still is.

Perhaps they have looked around & noticed that they don't have 1 + 1 children in an 18 month long relationship?

The thing is she came here for advice, not an argument.

I personally don't think blended families work - but I'm not about to pile on someone asking for advice.

This is a forum not a witch hunt

This.

That poor baby girl.
it has taken my partner years to blend two families together and even now my teen feels unstable.

perhaps let the baby girl just stay with her mum and let dad move on with his new family. Forget the EOW as this is going to break that poor little girl. Poor parenting all round. Including you Op. were you so desperate to have kids with anyone? Just heart breaking reading this.

What a car crash. Why on earth would you have two children in such an early relationship? Only together one year and already one child here and another on the way? Then you have a young child who is no more than a baby herself acting out as she is confused? Where do you see this going long term as looking outside in - it’s not going to be long term.

Buy condoms.
Use them.

Poor little kid. Your step daughter has got caught up in her father's (and your) car crash existence and you want her disciplined? Sweet Jesus.

I think she came on looking for everyone to agree with her and doesn't like what she's heard.

There's no way of sugar coating it. She met someone, who has two children by two different partners, insists it's casual and within 12 months has had a baby and is expecting another.

It's a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Giving her tips on how to punish an already distressed 3 year old isn't ideal either. Yes she needs to learn but this 3 year old already has to switch between two houses and watch another baby come into her Dads house with someone she barely knows, has no bond with, followed by another one and is effectively being pushed further and further away.

Why do adults get so angry with children over situations they've created?

Do you love this three year old op? As it doesn't seem like it, and yet you're angry at a small child for not loving you.

I’m sorry but you’ve crammed two children under a three year old. You and the dad are absolutely irresponsible. You really should have known better. Why are some women just so dim. You should have built a strong relationship with her before adding more kids to the already complicated mix.

It's unclear what you have done that is mean?? I think approach this how you would if it was your child: what support can you get her, is some age appropriate counselling available? Is she getting 1-1 with her dad, that is crucial. How else can you make her feel more included? She is feeling insecure and excluded, how can you change that??

That is a lot for a 3 year old to process whilst still developing emotional and communication skills.

No she should not be kicking you but her world got turned on its head. A new baby is an adjustment for any 3 year old throw in the mix that daddy has another baby with someone who isn't her mummy and that's a boiling pot even before you due to have a 2nd.

Your partner needs to be a bit more direct on the hitting etc but also needs to spend some one on one time with his DD speak to her at her level and work through her feelings.
I suggest you read "how to talk so little people listen. But also cut her some slack

Me neither. The whole irrational mess created by fully grown adults and involving all those poor confused kids and asking for advice. What advice. A life which will suck

OP: no judgement from me on your family set-up: You're perfectly entitled to have your children, with who you like, as and when you want to. If we all followed mumsnet standards for when we have kids, our ovaries would have turned to dust.

Like PP have said, you need to be patient and kind and give her extra attention, as does her dad. A lot of children get anxious, angry and regress when they feel they have been usurped by a new baby. Your job is to reassure and make her feel loved.

Even when having that family will blow up the existing baby's world? I can't imagine being so selfish, I really can't.

of course is not witch hunt, but when the people are totally out of order and behaving like animals what advice is to be given

The OP is a widow, so I'm guessing she's not a spring chicken with fresh eggs? Could be wrong there, but she has been through a tough time maybe she wanted a child before time runs out.

I presume the 3 year old has her own mum too? She also has a dad. OP is not solely responsible for this child's welfare, she just wants some advice on the instant child she received as part of her relationship.

No one has said she can't have children with who she likes.

What they have said it probably wasn't the best idea to have fallen pregnant, had the baby and then fallen pregnant again in less than 12 months with someone who has 2 other children with 2 other women and the youngest of those children, is distressed already with the change and first newborn.

She's 29, there was time for her to have built a bond with the youngest and got her used to the idea rather than have two more babies then seek advice on how to deal with a distressed 3 year old.

She says she's 29.

The OP is a widow, so I'm guessing she's not a spring chicken with fresh eggs?

Well according to her OP she's 29 🤷‍♂️

She's 29.

Don't but all the blame on him. We are not talking about a 18 year old here the OP is 29 years old, she knew what she was doing and she choose to have 2 babies with him in less than 2 years. She owns 50% !