Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Why did you move in with a man whose children weren't ready?

Presumably it's not been that long since their parents split and now at three she has to cope with anew step parent a sibling and another sibling on the way.

The best thing for her would be for you and the baby to move out and build a relationship with her slowly moving back when she's more comfortable

All well and good but the solution isn't to just pretend she isn't a danger to the baby and that nothing needs to be done.

He couldn't make it work with two exes. He's been impregnating women since he was 22 or so. OP won't be the last.

You’re ina very tricky position. What’s the relationship like with the mum? All three of you need to work together on working through this with the little girl.

OP not only are you not a wicked stepmother, I am not sure you are any kind of stepmother at all. You are barely over a year into a relationship which you yourself referred to as 'casual' with one baby and another on the way.

Part of me is quite glad if this child does not get close to you and eventually see you as a stepmother, as then at least whenever your 'DP' decides to move on (as he probably will) she will not feel bereft all over again at losing you.

If I did not feel so much for this poor child I would be amused at the idea that her - completely normal and understandable - behaviour is some kind of problem to be fixed. Or your notion that a 3 year-old can 'decide' to be mean.

Her father should be dealing with this not you. He should be the one reassuring her and spending quality time with her, he should be doing all the parenting not you eg collecting her from from school. He saw you coming didn't he? Even whilst pregnant with his child he has you covering his parenting responsibilities and dealing with the inevitable consequences of his own irresponsibility & selfishness - his child's distress.

I agree with other posters, this is a mess for which the feckless adults involved are entirely to blame. I am really worried that this poor little girl is going to be scapegoated by them.

I think making another change is probably the absolute worst thing that anyone could do right now. This child hasn't had time to catch her breath in between the changes that have already been imposed on her.

So you were looking for a more 'casual' relationship and are now two kids up 🙄

Yes it really was a good point.

These situations run counter to all the natural instincts of children and women for a secure nuclear family environment. Maybe not quite so counter to natural instinct in some men who do seem to have a predisposition to spray their semen as if from an agricultural crop spraying arm on a tractor; but even men get pretty cave-manish about cuckolding, which is essentially an instinct not to get stuck raising another man’s child. So these issues do strike at deep insecurities and need careful handling and support. How much stronger that urge will naturally be in a vulnerable 3 year old. She’s just acting according to the threats she feels in her environment. Modern life asks too much of children in expecting easy adjustment.

You're not an evil stepmother, but I think you're expecting too much from her. She's still a baby! DD1 was 3 when dd2 was born and acted exactly like this and that was without her dad having a child with someone who isn't her mum! She doesn't understand.

Do you have any experience with young children outside of your stepdaughter? You just need to persevere, she's very young. She needs a lot of love and reassurance and strong boundaries. Small children need firm boundaries that help them feel safe.

When she's older she won't even remember a time that you and her younger siblings weren't around. I met my DH when DSD was 2.5, she doesn't remember her parents being together or a time when I wasn't around.

Exactly this,it's almost like contraception doesn't exist.
Or can't they get their head round how it works.

'my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son'
No 3 year old 'decides' this, behaviour is communication at that age and she's clearly distressed at this confusing and upsetting situation. Her Dad needs to spend more time with her, and help her through it. You need to take a back seat and understand child development a bit better

It took me 7 years to have kids with DH and he didn’t even come with any extra. She was literally a baby when you two decided to have more kids. Christ cut the kid some slack. Her dad has shown his existing kids literally no thought. Her dad and his ex should be discussing this behaviour tbf, your partner needs to step up nd think about how he’s planning to manage this.

I really wonder about people when I read threads like this.

She's three years old. Barely more than a baby and she's had to cope with her parents separating, living between two houses, daddy getting a new girlfriend and getting not one, but two new siblings. Of course she's playing up. Of course she's upset, and confused, and angry, and yes, jealous and hurt.

What the hell were the two of you thinking? You've been grossly irresponsible and this poor little girl is paying the price.

So he has a 3 year old from a previous relationship and since she's been born he's met, moved in and had 2 children with someone...I can see why she's acting up tbh

Why are you picking this girl from school when this is something that her parents should be doing? It sounds like you're trying to "parent" this girl when you're not her parent, obvs the girl is rebelling in the only way a 3 yr old can: by throwing fits and tantrums. Stop parenting this girl. My step dad never parented me, that was my moms job and I'm really thankful for that. To this day I have a great relationship with him because he never tried to act like the father he was not.

Jesus christ this is like the timeline universe of Friends. 26 yrs old in Season 1 and 30 in season 7 😂

100% You'd think it was the era of the BBC's Call the Midwife not 2024

Honestly, my heart goes out to the poor stepchildren I read about on here. She’s barely out of babyhood herself, and her feckless dad has had another 2 kids really quickly with another woman. Let’s face it, this relationship is more likely to fail
than succeed.

No wonder she’s acting up.

She's not coming back guys. She's been handed her arse and probably still believes she is right and we are all wrong.

The problem is your “gem” of a boyfriend.

he should just be introducing you to his children about now. Instead he has moved you in, had another child, and has you doing things like picking up his child from nursery.

you should not be doing pickups. It might be practical, but it is symbolic of something his children can clearly see. He needs to show his children that they are his priority and stop pawning off his parental responsibilities

Or, they are laughing like a drain at the justifiable outrage.

I hope so much that this isn't authentic but if it is, poor little girl.

This.

Poor kids, especially that toddler.

Well the casual part didn't last long did it?

The best advice would be to take it slow close build a bond with her but you've blown that out the water by getting pregnant, having a baby and getting pregnant again, all within the space of a year.

Are you be harsh with her? If you're not sure, would you be happy with parents next casual girlfriend speaking to your child the same way?

Do you live together and how often is she with you?

He has two children from previous relationships, so the 'almost a teenager' and the 3 year old have different mothers.

He will do the same again and it'll be your 3 year old trying to deal with it. Forewarned is forearmed.