Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Do his children live with you both permanently? Where is the 3 year olds mum, and why isn't she parenting her?

29 is not that young. I got to 28, widowed with no partner and the desire for a child, I'd be a bit worried and more open to having a baby sooner, rather than later.

Look at y'all accusing her of her of precipitating the spot on typical behaviour of every three year old with a new sibling, like it's the fact she's a stepmum, that caused it. It happens to every child with a new baby sibling, bio mum or stepmum, big age gap, or siblings so close in age they could almost be twins, so you should stop blaming the OP for this. Like loads of mumsnet posters, my bio sibling tried to kill me in my cot! These things happen a lot, regardless of family dynamic.

The OP wants advice and has been given some useful tips on how to deal with this behaviour, which most of us have seen and experienced for ourselves.

I’m a step Mum, also a bio Mum. TBH my eldest child was exactly the same when I had my second child. Gentle correction necessary but I dont think this is anything more than a phase whilst she adjusts to the new baby.

...second sentence of my last post should read: "IF I got widowed...

behaving like animals

Jesus, no one is dead. The poor woman only asked for advice on how to deal with her stepchild and almost every single one of you on this thread have vilified her.

What a bunch of judgy, unsympathetic, pompous and condescending women.

Mumsnet is usually a wonderful, supportive place when women are going through hard times, but whatever you do, don't have children with a man you've known for over a year. You'll be the devil incarnate.

No bloody wonder OP won't come back. It's nothing to do with not being agreed with and all to do with the bitchy judgement.

She's perfectly entitled to choose whichever idiot she wants to procreate with. What she's not entitled to do is mess with the very early years of a little girl and then blame her for the behaviour.

Her desire to have a child with her current boyfriend does not even come close to trumping the very real needs and care that the existing child has.

It's not the child's behaviour that needs addressing it's the callous attitude of the two adults that does. And to label it as just being 'new sibling jealousy' is ridiculous.

Spot on, @rainsofcastamere

Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

She is THREE ffs.

You’ve not even been together long before popping out your own!! Honestly no sympathy at all for you; what did you think would happen?!

So what you're saying is, that anyone who already has a child should not have another child because it will mess with the early years of the current child?

I would try to include her and ask for her help as a "big sister". And absolutely bombard her with love.

Surely you can see that’s not what’s being said?

Of course being a new partner in a young child's life is going to cause upset, even more so when it's not handled correctly.

Both OP and her partner are to blame for this. They both agreed it was casual and not serious. 12 months passes and in that time, arrives a 3 child and a 4th on the way.

She also appears to be doing the school run and living with her boyfriend. Hardly casual is it?

At what point, during any of that, did she build a bond with the youngest? At what point did they have time together as the existing family? At one point did she meet and the first two time to bond with her?

But yeah, blame the 3 year old. I'd also be blaming the lame ass Dad as he if he posted.

Not only that, step parenting is viewed ridiculous on here so no doubt there will be people along to tell her she shouldn't be doing anything for his other children because they aren't hers.

I just don't think it's fair to throw all this change at a toddler and expect them to cope and not try to understand then.

She already doesn't like the thought or the actions that the 3 year old is displaying. She caused it and didn't handle it correctly.

Man has two children from previous relationship
Man meets woman and they have a child
Woman is pregnant with her second child, man's fourth child
Man and woman are still in a relationship

Woman is vilified for 'popping' out children too soon and upsetting man's three year old.

Have I got that right?

So what you're saying is, that anyone who already has a child should not have another child because it will mess with the early years of the current child

@Fannyfiggs

Not sure what you're reading but no, that's not what I said for then people would only ever have one child wouldn't they.

What I am saying, however, is men who have tiny children with a previous partner should delay introducing those children to new girlfriends within months, should ensure that those existing children are settled and happy before doing so and certainly before they start new families with new women.

And I am also saying that perhaps women should delay it when they know their partners existing children are so young and vulnerable and perhaps if they can't wait until then don't blame a small child for the upheaval that THEY have created and come looking for 'advice' on Mumsnet on dealing with 'poor behaviour' from the child when really, it's their own behaviour and the behaviour of her boyfriend that needs looking at.

I think your boyfriend should look after his own child, pick her up from school, parent and give her firm boundaries

Oh absolutely. OP is as much to blame as he is.

If OP wasn't doing these things, pps would be baying that she clearly hated her stepdaughter and couldn't be bothered to engage with her, she knew what she was taking on when she married the guy, you have to love your stepchildren as your own, etc etc. Stepparents really can't win on Mumsnet.

But as you’ve only been with this bloke for a year you’re not her “step-mother”… you’re her dad’s new girlfriend. You happen to have somehow got pregnant twice in that time, but it doesn’t make you her step-mother - you should only be just about meeting this little 3yo at this stage, not the mother to her two younger half-siblings.

The mind boggles.

When that current child is in an already highly disfunctional situation, yes.

This feckless "man" was in absolutely no position to be rightfully creating more offspring, and any mature adult should have taken one look, seen that, and run for the hills rather than piling onto the poor toddler's already dismal life.

And then to complain about said confused, sad toddler is absolutely beyond the pale.

What is your interpretation of it?

If they aren't going to handle it correctly then no, you shouldn't keep adding children and expecting existing children to handle your fuck ups without problems.

If her boyfriend had parented better and she had made the effort to build a relationship before adding two more children into the mix then it would have been easier to navigate any problems that do arise when babies arrive.

I imagine what they mean is you do what most people do when they have a second child, you prepare the first child, you make sure they feel included, you make sure they feel special and loved and part of the family. We had very little sibling rivalry but I worked extremely hard to support the relationship between my kids and to make sure my two year old never doubted my love even when I was very busy with my newborn. That wasn’t his job to adjust - it was my job to help him do so.

@Fannyfiggs

If you want to wilfully misrepresent the situation that’s your business but your description leaves out:

A child who was 2 (possibly younger) when her dad met a new person with whom he moved in and had a baby in less than a year and another one is already on its way.

I would call anyone who decided to have a child after a few months reckless and irresponsible and to do so with a man who has a toddler is idiotic.

This. OP absolutely ridiculous of you to move so fast. Poor little girl.

The OP is the one who posted, not the man. The man would also be getting vilified if he had posted this scenario. Plenty of people including myself have actually highlighted his behaviour in all of this as feckless and irresponsible.

Both of them have acted disgracefully here.