Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would struggle with my Dad having a baby less than a year after leaving my mother and I'm 49.

who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son

She hasn’t actively decided this at 3. She hasn’t decided to be nasty or awkward. She is 3 and will have big emotions she can’t process. Your own children will exhibit similar behaviour when they are that age particularly if they have something as big to deal with as their parents splitting up and a whole new family to cope with.

Know him less then 2 years on to your second child and he has a 3 year old...he is a keeper!!
No wonder the 3 year old is playing up.

Surely this is a joke post ? How can this relationship possibly be described as casual when what has happened is anything but. Of course the 3 year old is going to be upset

This!!

She's 3 she's 3 she's 3.
Telling off is not any kind of solution to someone feeling insecure.
If she says she doesn't love you, you be the adult and say, that's OK, I love you and when your baby brother is older he wil love you lots too. And repeat.
If she is mean to him, remove her from the situation and say you wouldn't let anyone do that to her, so she can't do that to her brother.
Involve her all the time. Even if she isn't nice. Offer her the opportunity to be. Constantly.
I've got a 3 year old. They are bundles of love when they're happy. Ferocious when they aren't. But if they aren't, there is a reason that needs addressing.
Be the grown up. She doesn't have the power to hurt your feelings because you know she's just a child. You rise above it. 'I HATE YOU'. 'Do you? I'm sorry you feel like that right now. I don't hate you. I'm going to do a jigsaw, would you like to help me in a bit?' Etc.

Why are you, her Dads new girlfriend, picking her up from school?

Another thing, on top of so many others which has no doubt rocked her world.

has decided to be mean and quite nasty

This is so fucking stupid I do not know where to start. Get over yourself and sort this out. Her dad is an utter disgrace.

@Missmarymack2 I read it that they were initially looking for casual. I don’t think anyone can describe having two children together as casual.

Out of everything said you choose to pick up on this? 🙄

This is a superb point.

It’s really not. 49 year olds have slightly different minds and relationships than 3 year olds in most situations.

This. Bless her she must feel so strange and rushed. You both really did not take into account the existing tiny infant before adding more.

I've got a 3 year old little girl and this breaks my heart to think of her in this situation, so confused about the new set up. She literally is a baby still. Poor little thing 😢

@WillLiveLife

@GabriellaMontez isn't the only one to point that out and is quite right anyway.

Dad should be collecting her from nursery, not OP, presumably with the baby. At least it would be some time for the 3yo to have her dad to herself. She probably feels the baby is taking over everything, even nursery pick up,

Perhaps her dad is at work and asked SM to pick up as she’s at home. Hardly crime of the century!

Yes. Exactly this. Looking for a casual relationship but has a baby within a year and now pregnant again.

This! She doesn't have the emotional or developmental maturity to "decide" to be this way, ffs. She's clearly distressed and unable to articulate it.

It doesn't matter matter why, it's clearly not working for the child or OP, so he needs to make alternative arrangements as if OP wasn't around to provide his childcare for him.

What is this guy thinking. 3 year old, his child with you and another on the way. Although I’m surprised she can remember her mum and dad being together.

he couldn’t make it work with his ex but he’s so certain he can make it work with you that he has 2 kids with you in this short amount of time.

i think you may need to prepare yourself to be a single parent of 2.

Dunno if this is trying to be a slut shaming post or a toddler shaming post or some kink fetish bloke post.

Can't possibly be real, right?

We were just looking for a more casual relationship Sorry? So how did you get this so spectacularly wrong?

Yes, and yet they still freak out if a parent gets together with a new partner and has a child within 18months of their parents relationship breaking down. The DIFFERENCE in development is the entire point.

OP you are the one with behavioural problems not the 3 year old.. You have taken up with a bloke that has a teen and toddler, between you , you have brought 2 more babies into the mix in the space of 18 months and you are behaving like the one that is hard done too. You and your boyfriend have made this situation and you for one don't seem to grasp that a little one is struggling because of your actions. Stop blaming the 3 year old and look at your own behaviour and expectations.

If you look at it from her perspective, in just over a year, she's had to adjust to a new stepmum, a new sibling, and the prospect of another one. You've moved VERY fast in this relationship and she's had no choice but to be dragged along on the journey, and all this just after her parents have divorced. She hasn't had a moment to process one massive change before being hit with another one.

Regression is not unusual for children when a new baby comes along but the amount of upheaval she's been through I would say it would be more surprising if she wasn't having some behavioural issues.

That's not to say there doesn't need to be some clear boundaries in place and consequences for hurting others, but the priority needs to be giving her some stability.

You say you have cats and rabbits too so it sounds like the household is tremendously busy, which is very overwhelming for a small child. I'd suggest that Dad neds to start carving out 1-2-1 time and making sure she has lots of opportunities to process her emotions in a calm space where she doesn't need to be loud to draw attention to herself.