Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There's not really any "still" about it. And it's an absurd time-frame to be having 2 babies. Utterly irresponsible.

OP has been more harsh to the 3 year old toddler than we have to her.

Woman has “casual thing” with recently separated father of a toddler and immediately has two kids with him.

Woman characterises that 3 year old as “deciding to be mean”, cruel, harmful and an animal abuser.

Woman fails to acknowledge this is a three year old child acting as any child would whose world was turned upside down.

Woman can’t see she and her partner are at fault (not least for letting a 3 year old have access to the hose to drench the pets)

I would say it sounds like you’re doing too much caring “parenting role” for this toddler given the short time you’ve known her and her understandable resentment of you and your child. It’s perfectly reasonable that she doesn’t like you right now.

Can you step back and be less hands on with her for a while? Get out of the way and let her Dad do all the co-parenting and practical stuff?

Instead, you should play a long game at slowly slowly earning her trust and eventually liking?

Well put! I’m afraid reading it like this does make you a bit of an evil stepmother!

Too much too fast OP. Step well back and slow it all down. Give her time - and by time I mean years.

She's behaving exactly how I would expect a 3 year old to behave when in her short lude her parents hav separated, she gained a new sibling and will have another soon.
She's 3 she won't understand the emotions she is experiencing let alone be able to use the language to communicate them to you, a virtual stranger to her

I would argue it’s OPs PARTNER that should be getting all the grief for HIS choices

He would if he had posted this.

However, the OP played a part in those decisions and choices and went along with.

And it doesn't like it took a lot of coercing her to do so.

We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Blimey. If that's your idea of a 'casual' relationship, I can't imagine how you'd define going in full throttle, all guns blazing.

You're not an evil stepmother you are dad's very recent girlfriend. It is a massive stretch to call yourself stepmother having known your boyfriend for such a short amount of time and being pregnant for the vast majority of that time.

I feel sad for all those children not the 'I feel sorry for myself' girlfriend.

But it’s really not okay to describe a three year old as ‘mean and nasty’. The child needs guidance and emotional support from the adults around her. Awful choice of words, and very cold and callous.

Bit off topic but your first point is confirmation bias, you’re probably just more likely to hear about the early relationship pregnancies and it’s more memorable when you do. I got accidentally pregnant after 10 years of marriage but nobody but me and dh ever knew about it.

Op is an adult woman 29 - infantilising her for her poor decisions is patronising and not helpful.

The man is no prince however op:

Fell pregnant and had a child weighing a year of a causal relationship.
Op then fell pregnant again straight away.
Op can now not figure out why a 3 year old toddler maybe confused and acting out.

Poor decisions from both which will no doubt have lasting implications for all of their lives forever more. Not exactly got the makings of long term relationship has it?

Justifying poor decisions, excusing them and normalising this behaviour is partly why society is a mess.

What a series of judgemental, sneery posts with little to no helpful advice given to a struggling, pregnant woman who is asking for help. Mumsnet at its worst; the curtain twitching, pearl clutching, hyperbolic attitudes are vile.

@Sleepystrugglingmama You've found yourself in a really difficult position, but yes, the three year old absolutely has to have her behaviour corrected, kindly but firmly. Putting her hands over the baby's mouth and spraying a hosepipe at animals is concerning at the very least.
You need to try and get on the same page with your partner about how to tackle it.

She is upset, but needs consistent, patient and appropriate guidance to get through her this phase and out the other side.

Your partner really needs to step up here and parent her. If you can agree on how to go forward then behavioural tools such as reward charts are usually pretty effective at that age. Praise her to the heavens for any behaviour that you want to see continue and try to ignore and/or redirect the behaviour that you don't want to see. How is she behaving at nursery?

It's not going to be a short process, but the most important part is that you handle it together with your partner. She needs to see a united, consistent attitude towards her from both of you so she feels safer. She will still kick off of course, which is age appropriate, but it should be more manageable.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, too! I hope it's not too tiring for you - you do have a lot going on, so make sure that you take care of yourself as well.

Will the dad have a rewards chart next to it to make sure he's behaving properly too?

You are not wicked! Your partner is. He is an awful parent, he dumped his 1-year-old baby and her mum 2 years ago and is already breeding like mad? How can you not see him for who he is? Poor, poor 3-year old. Innocent's tears will be avenged one way or another.

You are all replying to a PREGNANT WOMAN. The first couple of posts were harsh, and so many of you have jumped on board, it’s like mob behaviour and bullying. Saying things like “her current boyfriend” and “you’re probably not his ‘one’”. Perhaps she hasn’t considered her 3 year old SD enough, but she is a new Mum, and perhaps does not yet have much experience with children. People could point things out kindly. If some of you are / have been the “ex wife with kids” who was left by your partner then that is no reason to take out your anger on the OP. She came here asking for advice and has been treated like a piece of dirt. What would you all say if a large group of men had been judging her for her choices and slagging her off?!

You've found yourself in a really difficult position,

Really? The OP through her and her boyfriend's monumentally selfish behaviour created a really difficult position.

And how on earth was a three year old able to access and turn on a hose pipe?

Pregnant women are not exempt from criticism.

They have chosen to put that poor little toddler in a traumatic, untenable position through irresponsible choices. She is likely to be permanently adversely affected and all the parents can do is blame her - a freaking three-year-old!

If I was in a casual relationship, I wouldn’t be doing the school run for a child that wasn’t mine.

I don’t think that’s true - it’s just the advice given around to ensure she feels safe and loved isn’t what’s wanted. Reward charts aren’t really ideal in this very unsettling situation - you don’t want her behaving because she gets an ice cream because it won’t be internal long lasting change, you want her to be kind to her sibling because she feels loved and included. Absolutely lots of praise and redirection but she’s not a puppy, she’s a child. If you go down the route of reward charts what’s going to happen is 3 year will mess up (as they do!) and reward will be withheld and everything escalates - it’ll more than likely be used as a punishment rather than positive reinforcement and the relationship breaks down even more between them.

How much of the parenting of this child (the 3 year old) are you doing as the only adult and how much is he doing?

Mean & nasty is the wrong description. This child is 'reacting' to changes in her life she is far too young to understand.I suggest her father showers her with love & attention & keeps explaining the reason the dynamics in her family have changed. She should be encouraged to help with the baby and told the baby loves her very much. I'd offer the occasional small gift telling her it's from the baby and ask her to say thank you with a cuddle.Op sit her aside & tell her you love her too & you are sorry she is upset. There are lots of little ways you can invent to make her feel included. It's a difficult situation but you'll get there. A telling off is not the answer here.

At last, someone who understands without judgement and tries to help OP by giving suggestions and things to try. Thank you @loupiots for being a decent human.

The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I know this is the internet and I've seen pile ons before but you've all been a bunch of mean girls today. Have a word with yourselves.