Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The OP never replied, perhaps this is made up as it certainly got everyone going!

Exactly. I know which female I'm more concerned with in this scenario and it isn't the one who, along with the little girls father, decided to inflict this all on an innocent baby.

Because a stepparent isn't a parent...

It very much depends on the role they play and the family dynamic. A step-parent can absolutely be a parent. I am certainly a parent to my stepkids.

You might feel like a parent, but unless you've adopted them or been granted PR, you're not one. In rare cases, they might truly believe you are equal to a parent, which is nice, but the vast majority of the time, if you split with your partner you'd have no legal standing in their lives whatsoever.

The mother didn't get the OP pregnant, now did she?

But there's more to being a parent that legalities. My DH has raised his son since he was 2. He never officially adopted him but he is his dad. When DH split with his ex DSS was 50:50 between both houses. He now lives with us full time.

I've help d raise my DSD since she was 3. It me who organised her hobbies, plans the birthday parties. I was the one to take her to the doctor because I noticed athsma symptoms. I was the one to raise concerns about dyslexia with her teacher. I may not have PR but if anything were to ever happen to my DH I would absolutely fight to keep custody of her.

A step parent is not a parent. Yes, in rare cases ie where the real parent has passed away or is incapable of being in the child's life, then you may become a default parent figure. But the majority of times, you are just an adult in the child's life, much like a close family friend or an aunt.

I don't agree. My DSDs mum is still in her life but I'm still her parent. There is a huge difference between what I do for my DSD and an aunt. I do a lot of things for my DSD that her mum fails to do. My DH includes me in any decisions about her and treats me as an equal parent to him. He trusts me to make decisions about DSD without consulting him. My DSD considers me her parent. To say I'm just an adult in her life is quite insulting actually. I have nephews and my relationship with them is vastly different from my relationship with my DSD.

And it's lovely that you care so much for your husbands daughter and take an active role in her life. But she has parents, you are her dad's wife, albeit someone who plays a significant role in her upbringing.

I have my niece to stay with us approximately 3 nights a week due to her parents working patterns, nightshifts etc. I do lots for her including some school stuff. But I'm an adult in her life, her aunt, I'm certainly not her parent.

But would you make decisions for your niece like how she has her hair cut, if she can have her ears pierced? Would you take her to the doctor, dentist or optician? Would you agree on medical treatments with her doctor? Do you sign her up to hobbies? Do you set her daily routine and assign her chores? Does the school phone you when she's sick?

I know I certainly wouldn't do any of those things for my nephews but I absolutely would and do for my DSD.

I agree, many stepparents do have the role of an aunt or friend but that doesn't apply to everyone.

As I said, on very rare occasions, a step parent can be seen as a parental figure however that would be in rare cases. I would assume that your husbands daughters mum has issues if she is unable to parent her daughter herself, thus leaving you to do evetythjng that you say you do, which is a parents job. Then in that case, you would be seen as a parental figure. But certainly not her mum, a child only ever has one mum. Step mum's can come, go and be replaced by whoever dad chooses to get into a relationship with.

My stepdad is definitely my parent, and as much as my stepson isn’t and will never be mine by birth, I definitely parent him.

Feeding, dressing, “telling him off” (I’m using that term very very loosely, he’s not shouted at ever). That’s obviously not an exhaustive list.

Of course he has a mother, but when he’s with us, she is obviously physically not there. Am I meant to be leaving all parenting to my partner and sitting in the background?

Not only do I think that’s grossly unfair, we’re team, and a family and we behave like one.

That’s why I used the word ALSO!

How on earth can she be 'also' to blame for the OP and her feckless partner procreating? What part could she have possibly played in this?

Oh FGS ! 🙄

Are you confused? What are you trying to say the mother created?

I notice you haven't actually answered the question...

Not worth the time and effort.

What, the time and effort needed to come up with a reasonable answer?

behaviour is communication. This little girl needs some familiy therapy.

Since when do you get to demand an answer?

I don’t have the time or interest to educate you on simple and obvious statements. But as you seem to not want to let it go:

Mother snd father have baby - mother was very involved, step mum not.
mother and father are unable to co parent successfully - mother again involved, step mum not.
father meets new partner and has new baby. Mother not involved, step mum is.

three year old unhappy due to parents’ inability to co parent - mother involved step mum is not.

why is everything the step mothers fault and not the mother?

Poor grammar as on phone in busy situation.

I'm still confused on how this is in any way the mothers making?

The 3 year old isn't unhappy in the parents inability to coparent as much as she's unhappy in the tumulus changes that have gone on in her short life, new step mum, new siblings etc. How is that the mums fault? The mum isn't the one who has introduced all these new upheavals into the 3 year olds life? That would the OP and the father.

I can’t help you any further.
the whole reason the step parent is on the scene is because the parents who chose to have a child were unable to parent her together. That is not the step parents fault. That is the fault of the little girls mother and father. I wish people would stop heaping the blame for failed relationships on step parents.

The mum did introduce upheaval!