Am I the evil stepmother?

[Sleepystrugglingmama]

Bit of background, I (29f) met my partner (35m) at the beginning of last year. He has two children from previous relationships. We were just looking for a more casual relationship as he was recently divorced and I’m a widow.
Cut to less than a year later and our son was born. And I am currently pregnant with our second child.

Ive always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and with his son who is almost a teenager that relationship hasn’t changed. He’s very sweet with our son however my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty both towards myself and my son.I understand she’s jealous and now has to share her daddy with a new baby and that the adjustment is hard for her but her behaviour is becoming more of a problem and is affecting my relationship with my partner.

When I collect her from school she cried and hits and kicks me. She is constantly telling me that she loves her mum and dad and her older brother but not me and not the baby. Last week she put her hands over the baby’s mouth when he was cooing to shut him up.
She has kicked my son, takes his toys away and hides them. And whenever my partner is holding or playing with the baby she doesn’t like it and kicks off until my partner leaves the baby.

She has stopped doing as she is told, stopped her toilet training and has gone back to using a nappy, suddenly won’t sit and eat her tea.
She has been good as gold before the baby came but now she’s even taking it out on the cats and rabbits by spraying them with the hosepipe.

My partner just keeps justifying her behaviour saying she’s 3, which I totally understand however he is reluctant to tell her off or let her know that this behaviour is unacceptable, and tells me I’m too harsh when I tell her off.

It’s causing a lot of issues between me and my partner on top of having a new baby with another on the way.

Is it me? Am I just being mean towards her?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I find it hard to support another woman who can't take responsibility. One who is seeking ways to punish an upset child and one whose partner has told her she is too harsh on an emotionally insecure 3 year old.

She's said nothing about how they prepared her for the first birth or the second pregnancy.

Neither of the adults in this scenario are coming out looking good.

What is the point of giving the OP a hard time about her choice of partner and the situation she finds herself in. It is what it is, and she needs advice not criticism before the situation gets completely out of hand.
Having said that I’m genuinely surprised that OP appears to have little or no understanding as to why the little girl is behaving as she is. She has been thrown into a situation where she has to compete for her daddy’s attention with another child and a woman who appears to her resent her being there. No wonder she is playing up.
My advice to the OP is that she needs to be far more understanding, and that her and her partner need to stop bickering about the little girls behaviour, especially if it’s in front of her, and work together and in conjunction with her mum to make sure she feels secure and happy when she comes to stay with them
Buy or borrow from the library a copy of Kate Silverton’s book ‘There’s No Such Thing As Naughty’ and make some time to read it. It’s a real eye opener as to why under 5’s behave as they do and provides lots of helpful advice as to how certain situations can be handled.
I feel really sorry for your partners little girl who through no fault of her own has ended up with a daddy who appears happy to father children in every relationship he gets himself into with no thought as to how this will affect them, and a current step mum who seems to not understand how confusing she must find things when she comes to stay.
Be warned OP things are likely to get far worse when your second child is born as you’ll have to contend with similar sorts of behaviour from your own little one too.

No. You've got it totally wrong.

Woman declares "my stepdaughter who is now 3 has decided to be mean and quite nasty"

and is met with astonishment and some criticism, for showing so little insight into the feelings of a child who has barely left the toddler years.

Additionally, many posters ask where her Dad is in all this, and why her own parents aren't collecting her from school.

In an ideal world yes, I agree with you. But whatever we all think is right, this is the situation that they're in now. The three year old is obviously distressed and OP was asking for advice. Not to be given a dressing down for her life choices.

I just can't understand why people are being so rude and unhelpful. Would it make a difference if they were married and having their children in wedlock?

Plus, I don't see anywhere in the OP that blames the 3yo for her behaviour... Edited to say, Ignore that bit, I see OP said 'she has decided to be mean and nasty'. Yeah, wrong choice of wording there.

In the words of Jeremy Kyle the great ‘philosopher’ of our time. Your dp ‘ should have put something at the end of it’
Too soon for all this drama

Why on earth are you having a baby with a man who already has children and is struggling to cope with them

Blimey! I only read the first page of replies but they are very harsh! A woman has met a man she likes, had a baby with him and now has another on the way. Some of you are being sooooooo judgmental and mean. You can give OP advice re what her husband can do to improve the situation but you don’t have to be so horrible! Hope you’re ok OP 🌺

She says the 3 year old is jealous

Surely she could have worked out that a 3 year old could potentially be unsettled and jealous? So what did she do to combat that and prepare her? What did the Dad do to prepare her? I'm guessing not a lot as she is comparing the 13 year old to handling it better than a 3 year old.

At least after the first baby, you would try and shower the 3 year-old in love and ensure she gets lots of one on one attention and get her involved in the baby, you know, try and build the bond and make sure she knows her space in the family isn't threatened. Doesn't sound like that's happened as she reels off all the negative things the 3 year old has done with no insight as to what they've tried, other than she thinks the Dad isn't punishing her adequately.

And now theres a second baby to arrive.

Obviously my definition of a casual relationship is worlds apart from the OPs, given the second child is due 20 months after it started

@Fannyfiggs That's the point I'm trying to make! I absolutely know that every one of us standing on earth today will make mistakes and do something that perhaps in hindsight is stupid myself included! This was stupid though and the effects of it are impacting on a little girl. The OP has laid it all on that little girl and is all 'what should the child do to change, what can we do to get the child to change her behaviour etc'. It's locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. They have done the damage now they need to change their approach and their behaviours. Not the child.

She mentions her saying she loves her mummy and she loves her daddy but doesn't tell OP or the new baby that she loves them, well, why on Earth would she?! The OPs and especially her boyfriend need to change their whole approach to acknowledge the kids reacting to what they've shown her.

Just feel sorry for all the children involved in this drama. The father is spreading himself far too thinly and not prioritising the needs of his existing children.

Sounds a fairly normal reaction to a new brother or sister. My DS told us to put new DD in the dustbin and acted up on principle. However, he instantly gave up on night nappies once he saw DS wore them. They get on fine now - 40s.

In less than a year you have one child and expecting another? Don't you think you are acting a bit too fast? Thought this was casual? Sounds like you both have been casual with contraception.

This.

So often a second partner seeks to ''out breed'' the first with immodest haste.
Poor 3 yr old.

She's obviously distressed, and soon to be another child in the mix to add to the stress.

It's been 20 months and is casual, why would you expect a confused and upset 3 year old to love you?

The fact she describes her as mean, nasty and jealous says a lot as well.

Same. How do they manage to make such poor choices.

It appears that the stepdaughter, who is also a baby and not in control of her feelings, has also come to serious harm. Wouldn't you say?

From what I know, which is only from the OP, I would not say the 3yo has been seriously harmed, no. Will she be affected in the future by what has happened now? Can't say.

The OP's situation is extreme but yours doesn't sound great either. It's taken YEARS to blend two families together and your teen still feels unstable?

I'm not sure you can say "still in a relationship" as some success story after only a year...

I honestly thought there was a typo when you quoted her age as 3, as I thought surely an adult woman wouldn’t be so lacking in self awareness, that she would expect a three year old to act as a grown up would do in these circumstances. You’ve both behaved appallingly, and to fall pregnant whilst wanting a casual relationship is careless, but to then go on to do it again so soon after is……very stupid. You lack maturity and empathy. Grow up fgs.

She 3. It would be normal for her to act up if she had a new full sibling. Dealing with a half sibling and another on the way is far too much for someone so tiny to process.

Honestly, her dad has behaved appalling by choosing to have more children with a new partner when she is so young herself. I really hope that he's working as hard as possible to make the transition easier for her.

From what I’ve seen of blended families, taking years to reach a place where everyone feels settled and secure is completely normal. Have to recognise that it can be a huge upheaval for children who are completely powerless in the situation.

I didn't say it was a success story. I was stating it as a fact 🤷

Her behaviour heavily indicates there has been some emotional harm done. That's why she is reacting she way she is. She doesn't have the emotional intelligence to cope with it and these are probably all new and big feelings for her that she needs support to work through and process.

Labelling her nasty, mean and jealous and looking for harder ways to punish her won't help, neither will a second baby arriving when they failed to prepare her for Dad having a new girlfriend, for that girlfriend moving in, for a new baby to appear and now a second baby to appear.

Poor wee mite is probably struggling to understand her position in the family whether she can hold that position

She's displaying appropriate behavior for her age and what she's going through.

My own dd is 3 and has just started to accept her baby brother (6 months). She still has the odd potty accident, tantrum after nursery or General whining. I can't imagine how she'd cope with a new stepmummy and 2 new siblings in such a short space of time.

Your boyfriend needs to step up, and get a vasectomy.