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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My child hates my partner

113 replies

Purplepixie1 · 07/09/2024 11:16

I don’t really know where to start with this… I met my partner when my DD1 was 3, it had been just the two of us since she was 1, we moved in together a year later and had a child DD2, a few years after that. We are not married and my DD1 sees her father every other weekend.
There have been a catalogue of issues over the years that have caused my DD1 to dislike him, he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc. He also favourites his child over her which has caused so many arguments between us and as a result I am very protective of her and jump in the moment he says anything which causes more arguments between us. He has been very heavy handed with our dog in the past, has called me names constantly in front of her. Separately to all this a few years ago he pushed me backwards really hard (like a rugby tackle) and broke my wrist, he was arrested but I didn’t press charges and he apologised and has since gone to therapy. (My DDs don’t know about the wrist incident and think I fell over).

I have recently found a journal from my DD1 saying how unhappy she is. How she hates him and doesn’t want to be here anymore. She is in therapy at school but hasn’t told me, and talks about how she has trauma from past events. It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage.

I know I need to leave but I am so scared and don’t know how to do it. We are not married but very entwined with a joint business together, mortgage etc. He has also said in arguments that he will take DD2 with him if we were to separate which kills me.

I also feel torn that I would be taking DD2 away from him, she loves him so much and although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her and she adores him.

He has been in therapy the last few months and is trying to make changes.. he has been better recently but he is one of those personalities that will always over dramatise everything. He is also very opinionated, says racist remarks, swears in front of the kids and isn’t able to control it very well.

From the outside people that we know all like him… he is the life and soul of the party, outgoing, will do anything for anyone, a popular ‘nice’ guy.

I know I am probably going to get slated for not leaving sooner but it is easier said than done and it is so easy to make excuses for his behaviour and carry on but now I feel like I am losing my DD1 and I can’t bear the thought of this damaging our relationship forever.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 07/09/2024 11:21

Leave

thereiscustardinthejamtart · 07/09/2024 11:21

It’s good that you recognise that you need to leave him. Are you getting any practical support with that? Freedom program / Women’s Aid?

NeverHadHaveHas · 07/09/2024 11:25

You are enabling the abuse of your child and I guarantee that she will realise that at some point in the future. Leave.

Hatty65 · 07/09/2024 11:27

You have to get both your kids away. He can't announce 'he'll take DD2' it doesn't work like that.

Call Women's Aid.

PaminaMozart · 07/09/2024 11:28

Focus on the practicalities and seek legal advice on how to extricate yourself from the business.

Talk to Women's Aid if you need additional support.

Danikm151 · 07/09/2024 11:28

As a mother it’s your job to protect your child. You aren’t doing that.

you say you other child loves him and he’s a good dad to her- a good dad that will teach her that being angry, racist and aggressive is the norm?

think about it

MidnightPatrol · 07/09/2024 11:29

Well - you know the answer is to leave, so you’ve come to the right conclusion. He sounds awful and like he’s making everyone miserable.

Have you got anyone IRL who can help in the short term, eg put you up? Have you got a job / money to help you achieve this?

Set a date, send the kids ahead, and leave.

ilostmyhearttoastarshiptrouper · 07/09/2024 11:29

You know you have to leave him. Your children should always come first. To be honest, I'm astounded that you chose to have a child with this man and didn't just get your first daughter away from him at the start.

Lwrenn · 07/09/2024 11:30

Not helpful a helpful comment but my first thing reading this was - how more of these cunts don't end up under the patio is beyond me.

I'm sorry for you and DD @Purplepixie1 you're in a fucked up situation.
Chances are he won't actually want custody of dd2, he's using it to scare you into staying.

You really do need to leave and get him the fuck away from DD1.

Logistically how difficult will this be?
Do you have anyone to stay with?

And sending you some love and support, this situation is just all shades of shite but it isn't too late to protect DD1 x

ActualChips · 07/09/2024 11:31

You should ask for a content warning in the thread title. I wouldn't have clicked if I'd known it detailed child abuse and animal abuse. Brutal.

catin8oots · 07/09/2024 11:36

You are complicit in the abuse of your child. Poor DD1. You are supposed to protect her.

Raininginparadise2 · 07/09/2024 11:42

Leave with both children and the dog. He is abusive and will never change. Get help from womens aid.

MsStella · 07/09/2024 11:44

You know you have to leave. But I have a feeling you won't. Put your daughters first and get them away from this man.

greenwoodentablelegs · 07/09/2024 11:46

Really how much worse do you want it to get? Are you waiting for him to sexually abuse your daughter as well as emotionally abuse her?

please make plans to leave.
please call women’s aid
please tell friends
he can’t have dd2 and as with a Pp I bet he wouldn’t anyway.
please ask for help and make a plan for your daughters sake.

or go read some threads on the relationships board from women whose mothers didn’t protect them from their step fathers and see the damage it causes.

StarDolphins · 07/09/2024 11:48

My best friend was your DD (not being treated quite as bad as your DD is) and when she became an adult looking back on her life, she’s now no contact with her Mum. She feels like she failed to keep her happy. Her & her Mum went to therapy but it just didn’t end up working & they’ve not spoken for 21 years.

Please put your DD first, I feel so sorry for her. She didn’t choose this life, you did.

Also, please get that poor dog out of there too.

Struggling1981 · 07/09/2024 11:50

I’ve not RTFT. This has to be one of the saddest things I’ve read, it’s just awful how this man is not only destroying your life but also those children’s lives. OP what are you teaching your daughters about relationships and who to accept as a Partner.

What would you like to do OP, let’s give you back some control, I think you’d like to leave? Take it step by step, maybe for now speak to Women’s Aid? Could your older daughter spend more time with her father? Do you see the level of abuse you and your kids are suffering?

I think you’ve normalised abuse OP, this is desperately sad to read. I wish you well in finding a path out. But it has to be your focus, staying is not an option no matter how intertwined your lives are.

TheShellBeach · 07/09/2024 11:51

.................although he has a temper and has scared her a few times with shouting and swearing etc he is a good dad to her

OP he isn't a good dad.
Not to DD2 or to DD1.

Good dads don't beat their children's mothers up and break their wrists, nor do they shout all the time, at everyone in the house.

Can you get advice from Women's Aid, to help you to split up?

I'm sorry you're in this situation. The man sounds vile.

SleepGoalsJumped · 07/09/2024 11:55

A good parent puts the needs of the child first.

He is clearly a shit parent because threatening to "take DD2" means he sees DD2 as an object he can weaponise against you rather than putting her needs first.

You need to split. Each of your DDs can have EOW with their fathers. You'll need to use mediation to sort out business, mortgage etc - probably best for him to take the business and you to take the house if they are broadly similar value, but that will need to be considered carefully.

For the love of god do not get involved with another man until both DDs are grown up. Moving in with a new man after only a year was a horrible thing to do to DD1 but you can't undo it now. You must stop perpetuating this awful situation though.

HoppingPavlova · 07/09/2024 11:57

He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc

You have enabled child abuse. Of your own child. Hopefully, as soon as she is old enough for her wants to be taken into consideration legally, she will leave your household and go NC with you, given the abuse you have enabled.

UpUpUpU · 07/09/2024 12:00

Oh OP, what a truly horrific situation.

Kids always come first, always and your poor daughter is having her childhood ruined and being abused by a man she has no control over in her life. You need to leave immediately or arrange for her to go to her dads or grandparents etc until you can get yourself out of this situation.

you are at the point of ruining your relationship with her forever or you can fix it and show her how to have good boundaries and relationships by leaving him.

Call women’s aid if it’s safe to do so and start form there. You got this x

FinallyYouSaid · 07/09/2024 12:04

It has absolutely broken my heart and I feel so much guilt for letting it get to this stage

So you bloody should.

You might have suffered abuse from him too but you're an adult with autonomy and the ability to leave or change things.

She's not. She's a child, totally helpless and trapped in this miserable existence with that abusive prick and her mother who does nothing to protect her.

Pack your shit, call womens aid and get the fuck out now. Mortgage, bills, business, money be damned, that can be sorted later.

You know what can't be sorted? That time when you go to bed one night, wake up in the morning and she's hanging from the ceiling because you left it too long.

MrsDoubtfire123 · 07/09/2024 12:05

Your poor children and your dog. This is so sad 😢

CraigBrown · 07/09/2024 12:08

You need to leave him. None of the other stuff- business, mortgage- matters a fig compared to getting yourself and your daughters away from him.

Do you have your own bank account?

Are you able to speak to women’s aid at a time he isn’t around?

Choochoo21 · 07/09/2024 12:11

he has a temper on him and we have had a very turbulent relationship. He has shouted and yelled at her multiple times, made her feel stupid and blamed her for things that wasn’t her fault. I’ve caught him saying nasty things to her behind my back, name calling etc.

Please tell me this is a fake thread .

You are choosing your vagina over your own daughter and enabling child abuse.
Its sick!

If you don’t want your daughter, then please give her to her dad or put her into foster care.

No child deserves to be abused in their own home 💔

You and your DP should be ashamed of yourselves.

TaylorSwish · 07/09/2024 12:11

Leave. At least 1 woman per WEEK is killed by their partner. Don’t be next.