Is how I'm feeling normal as new step parent?

[helpimnowastepmum]

Hi everyone! long time lurker here, first time posting. I am looking for some advice/reassurance...I'm not sure really as I keep thinking how I'm feeling isn't normal and that there's something wrong with me for feeling the way i do.

Me and my partner have been together for a year now. we live separately with a view of eventually moving in together but no solid plans at the moment as there is no rush. He has two children ( 6&3) I have one daughter (12) it has always been just me and my daughter for the past 9 years and i have always wanted that chance at love and family life again, so when i met my current partner who makes me feel the way that i do, is supportive, makes me laugh and we just get on like a house on fire, i wanted to just go for it and be with him! Before we introduced the children we spent alot of time really getting to know each other,

and we waited a good 4/5 months before introducing our kids.

He has his children 50% of the time, i have my daughter full time and she goes to her dads every other weekend ( me and current partner have the same child free weekends) so we do get those child free weekends every other week. Which makes me feel awful even writing this as i know other parents do not ever get a break.

However when we are all together on our weekends with the children it is very very full on. His children demand alot of attention constantly, they arent the sort of children where they will just happily occupy themselves, the tantrums are off the scale over the smallest things if they cant get their own way, particularly the eldest one. and the youngest is very whingey and is constantly telling me to go away from her or shouting ' I dont want you' at me. Fun days out we plan end up not being fun at all because of melt downs and crying and then my own daughter ends up having a rubbish time and i can see she feels stressed and uncomfortable when all of this is happening as she's not used to having siblings being an only child.

They have also both always co slept with my partner to which I said from the beginning i will not be sharing a bed with is children so if he is wanting me and my daughter to sleep over when his children are there then they need to be in their own beds, to which we have done and its been very tough as they are used to sleeping in the bed with him. So recently its been he gets the youngest to bed and i get his eldest to bed and i lay with her until she goes to sleep, but then they are both up and down all night and everyone is not having a good sleep including my daughter who is in the spare room listening to it all being woken up during the night. i find at the end of the weekend when i'm getting ready to go home i am absolutely exhausted and it takes me a couple of days to recover from a full on weekend and having barley any sleep.

There are other things which irritate me for example the eldest follows me around the house constantly and i feel like i can't even get two minutes by myself or if im chatting to my daughter shes trying to climb on me and get the attention, she eats things off my plate while i am still eating, knocks on the door constantly if i am on the toilet or in the shower and she does the same to my daughter. i don't tell her off because i feel like i can't as i dont feel comfortable doing that but i do say things like 'just give me two minutes please'

my partner does tell them off when needed and he will say to them can you just give her some space or that its rude to eat from someone's plate etc. but then on the other hand if i want to nip to the shop sometimes for 10 minutes peace and one of his kids ask to come with me and i say no i'll be back soon he will say infront of them 'can't she just come with you' or if me and my daughter are going shopping he will say infront of them can mine come with you aswell with no intention of himself coming and it just makes me look like a horrible person when i say no to them.

during the week i try to avoid going round when his children are there but he definitely notices that that is what i'm doing and makes comments that i don't want to spend time with him or the kids, to which i have always said i have my own house to run, my own child to look after and i can't always be with him at his house he isnt the one whos packing the over night bags to go and stay, bringing my dog with me to his house and then packing it all up to come back home the next day. but he just goes in abit of a mood and sulks about it. he can be quite needy and i am not like that at all i am very independant and like my own space.

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and worried i am not cut out for this and that if we do eventually move in together i will be unhappy and so will my daughter.

any responses are really appreciated but please be kind.

You say you are a long time lurker and surely that means you have read threads on this Step parenting section? What you are describing is classic blending nightmare!

I guarantee everyone will come on and say 4/5 months is far too soon to introduce kids and I agree. His children are tiny and no doubt unsettled and confused. Your daughter is at a very delicate age herself.

One of his kids is clearly telling you she does not want you there. I suggest you listen.

Keep your dates to when he doesn't have his kids. Let them have their dad to themselves for a while longer. They need that peace of mind. They are so small.

Enjoy your times together as just you two. Trying to blend just introduces arguments and tension when you should or could be having fun. Presumably although you have your daughter more, you could get a babysitter sometimes and get out more easily. If he only has his kids 50:50 he probably wants to be with them.

Start again. Go back to being a couple only. In time you can try and blend again. Maybe. But I would think carefully because it sounds like his parenting isn't great if his kids are tricky and that will be a whole new challenge.

There isn’t anything wrong with you OP at all - being a step parent is hard work ( my DSD is an adult now ) .

It sounds like you are not ready to combine homes , your DD is coming up to some really important school years . There is nothing wrong in continuing to live separately.

I’m in a similar position. I’ve been dating someone for almost 2 years. I have one DC and he has three. We introduced the DC after about 9 months. I love DP’s kids but it’s a lot to go from one to four! His youngest is still only 5 as well.
How much time are you spending together? It sounds like it’s most weekends? I think maybe you should cut back a bit. My DD’s Dad moved in with someone new and her three DC so I make sure that most weekends she’s with me it’s just us, otherwise she’s overwhelmed. DP and I have a long term plan but we won’t be moving in together in the next few years. It wouldn’t be fair on the kids.

It's okay to love someone but find blended families intense! Don’t rush to move in together and blend. His DC are still very young, still processing their new ‘normal’. I’d try to ensure you all have at least one weekend a month separately if I were you.

Maybe dial down on the fun days? Kids can get overwhelmed anyway and it sounds like his two definitely do. Take the small steps and do things together little and often building up slowly over time?

With kindness@helpimnowastepmum, this is too much, too soon.

You have only been together for a year and already two very young children are having to share their dad with you on their weekends with him. You really should not be staying over with your dd as this has forced the children to not co sleep with their dad. Their behaviour during the day and at night is clearly telling you that they are not ready for this. Why the rush?

Your own dd has also been thrust into this family set up just as she is approaching the teenage years. This has doomed to fail written all over it.

I would advise taking a massive step back. Go back to dating only on your child free weekends. Perhaps then do a very short activity as a group of 5 on the other weekends (e.g. an hour at the swing park, taking the dog for a walk). And then keep it like this for a very long time.

Put the children first, if anything. They’re clearly not happy doing this.

You sound reasonable and perceptive.
Blending families isn't easy and it sounds like you and your DD aren't enjoying this at all.
You could persevere but I don't think that this is working very well tbh. I'd either go back to dating and have a longer period of time to get to know the children and see if it improves as they get older. Dad could give them more of the time and attention they are so obviously seeking.

Don’t move in together. Keep things separate. Have your relationship separate and just for you two. You can still do things as a a 5 piece on occasion but it doesn’t have to be 0 or 100.

All too quick, which is the usual problem really.

You started to introduce the kids and start the stressful process of blending when you hardly knew this man yourself - half a year is honeymoon period, so it’s only now you’re seeing his whiny, needy side and the all-too-common with single dads desire to get you, the default female, to start taking on the heavy lifting -‘Can’t she come with you?’ - at the expense of YOUR time with YOUR child.

I’m particularly gobsmacked at the bedtime routine. Ask yourself if you’d have been happy to be told that your DD was being put to bed by a woman your ex had only met less than a year ago and that your DD had known for a few months. Of course it’s you, your DD, and the dog who are doing the traipsing back and fro… that went without saying!

It’s your DD I feel sorry for. This couldn’t be coming at a worse time for her - she’s about to enter her teen years, starting secondary - the very last thing she needs is to see her mum start being run ragged and sneak-pressured into parenting two noisy, badly-parented younger kids who are understandably probably ten times worse at the moment as they obviously feel completely anxious about the changes their lazy dad is doing nothing to ease them into.

You’re seeing the real him. I’d dump, but at the very very least sit him down and say it’s not going to be like this if he wants to stay together.

Parenting his own kids with no guilt tripping. HE sorts HIS kids bedtimes. YES you do want and need your time with your child and in your home and you owe him NONE of this time. Back to separate homes and dating for at least another six months, you focus on your DD, he learns that being in a relationship does not equate to him breathing a sigh of relief and promptly expecting the newly-installed WomanBot to take responsibility for his children.

Unless you want to deal with major problems with your daughter when she is 16, please just date, do not continue the blended family experiment .

This man started dating when he had a 2 year old (who does that???) - he really is looking for a ‘mum substitute’ for his kids - note, most divorced dads are.

if he can’t accept you just dating, with no involvement with his kids or your dd, then split up. It will be much harder to do further down the line, but you will end up splitting up, it just depends on how much damage you want to inflict on your dd before this happens.

He will move on to ‘mum substitute no. 2’ before long, so unfortunately his children will be guaranteed life long attachment issues.

I think the fact that he is expecting you to equally share his childcare when you are present and off loading his DD onto you would be enough to make me slow this down and take a big step back.

You've moved far too quickly and this is the result.

I'll never understand why people seem to be in so much of a rush to introduce a new parental figure to their children, or why they're so keen to live with children that aren't theirs. It just screams disaster.

You have a pre-teen who needs you more than ever, and his children are far too young to be dealing with a new girlfriend and a new "sister" - especially the 3yo.

Just date and stop trying to get everyone to play happy families.

The main problem here is your OH. It seems that he has very little respect for your boundaries and can't understand why you wouldn't want to spend all your time with his "little angels" when he undermines you and dumps his childcare onto you.

I don't blame you for wanting to stay in your own home when you don't get a minutes peace at his house. Your DD is 12 so you're well past that stage. If your OH really cared about your comfort in his home and appreciated your need for your own space he'd be doing more to discipline his kids and wouldn't be making you feel guilty about not wanting them hanging off your coat tails all day. But it's easier for him to do nothing. And the consequences of that is you not wanting to spend time there and it's easier for him to make you out to be the bad one rather than him actually stepping up.

Regardless of normal - why on earth would you choose this life?!? It sounds completely horrendous. Which of course it would be.

It seems to me that all 5 people in this relationship are very unhappy. There is no solution as the little ones are clearly upset by the arrangements and are making their feeling known in the only way they know how.

You need to back away and give your partner more time alone with his children.

Just date!

@TheCultureHusks has nailed it.

Out of curiosity, where did you meet?

I have kids the same age as your other half. A lot of what you're saying is all age appropriate for kids that age.

They are young. Their family has changed. They are away from their mum. They are going to want attention, and it sounds like the older one really wants to spend time with you.

I think you should give them some time to adjust. But remembering, they are small and so much has changed for them. You are new in their life & you've kicked them out of their dad's bed.

Give them time.

Way too soon. 4/5 months of dating is not the time to be trying to blend families. Just stop. See each other on your weekend off. Get together a bit in between if his ex has the dc and your dd is busy or ok left alone. Why on earth are you and your dd staying at his house?

Let's be honest, at those ages children are pretty demanding. I found my own children exhausting at that age.

It's not realistic for you to expect to enjoy it with other people's children.

Just stop spending every weekend together? When all the children are older, it will be easier.

Spend one day of the weekend together maybe and leave them to it at bed time

I would take a huge step back from spending that much time with him and his children and focus on your daughter, she will need more and more of you through the teenage years, now is not the time to be ramping up time with your boyfriend and giving time to him and his young children instead of your daughter.

I wouldn't consider blending again until DD was off to uni at least.

He sounds like a man that wants to palm his children off on the nearest vagina owner, what a mess.

Your partner not only wants you to look after all three children but is acting like a fourth child. Why would you want to take on the responsibility of a man child who sulks and is clearly incapable of parenting his children.

it seems to me that, like so many men, he just want someone to take on the family duties. Maybe you should investigate why his marriage failed.

nail on head! thankyou!!!!

It normal for becoming a stepmum to feel like a lot. I was completely overwhelmed at first. You need to decide what kind of relationship you want with his kids, considering what is best for you, your daughter and the other kids, and talk to your partner about it. They talking bit is really important, as is looking to see what is happening in reality.
Are you sharing childcare, in which case are you both able to discipline the children and on the same page about how you do this? It doesn't work if you're expected to look after the kids but can't tell them what they can and can't do. Would you be happy if your partner took on a similar role with your daughter? When you have decided together, are you and your partner actually sticking to the boundaries you've established?
Do you really want the blended family set up? It is normal to lose time to yourself with 3 kids when the youngest is 3, and the kids' behaviour sounds completely age appropriate. Do you think living with step siblings would eventually benefit your daughter or just make her life more difficult? Do you want to continue living separately until your daughter is older and his kids are older, or even significantly reduce the time the kids spend together now? How does your partner feel and react if you talk about that option?
Make sure you are actively making choices that reflect what you really want to prioritise.

Not sure why you're taking your daughter to stay at his on the weekends you have her ? Especially if she doesn't enjoy it. Way too much too soon and the way you're feeling about it is what you'd be expected to feel.
Dial it right back and see him on your free weekends I'd suggest.

It’s too much
kids are tiny bless them

Slow down. Enjoy your couple time just the two of you & leave the kids out of it.