Is how I'm feeling normal as new step parent?

[helpimnowastepmum]

Hi everyone! long time lurker here, first time posting. I am looking for some advice/reassurance...I'm not sure really as I keep thinking how I'm feeling isn't normal and that there's something wrong with me for feeling the way i do.

Me and my partner have been together for a year now. we live separately with a view of eventually moving in together but no solid plans at the moment as there is no rush. He has two children ( 6&3) I have one daughter (12) it has always been just me and my daughter for the past 9 years and i have always wanted that chance at love and family life again, so when i met my current partner who makes me feel the way that i do, is supportive, makes me laugh and we just get on like a house on fire, i wanted to just go for it and be with him! Before we introduced the children we spent alot of time really getting to know each other,

and we waited a good 4/5 months before introducing our kids.

He has his children 50% of the time, i have my daughter full time and she goes to her dads every other weekend ( me and current partner have the same child free weekends) so we do get those child free weekends every other week. Which makes me feel awful even writing this as i know other parents do not ever get a break.

However when we are all together on our weekends with the children it is very very full on. His children demand alot of attention constantly, they arent the sort of children where they will just happily occupy themselves, the tantrums are off the scale over the smallest things if they cant get their own way, particularly the eldest one. and the youngest is very whingey and is constantly telling me to go away from her or shouting ' I dont want you' at me. Fun days out we plan end up not being fun at all because of melt downs and crying and then my own daughter ends up having a rubbish time and i can see she feels stressed and uncomfortable when all of this is happening as she's not used to having siblings being an only child.

They have also both always co slept with my partner to which I said from the beginning i will not be sharing a bed with is children so if he is wanting me and my daughter to sleep over when his children are there then they need to be in their own beds, to which we have done and its been very tough as they are used to sleeping in the bed with him. So recently its been he gets the youngest to bed and i get his eldest to bed and i lay with her until she goes to sleep, but then they are both up and down all night and everyone is not having a good sleep including my daughter who is in the spare room listening to it all being woken up during the night. i find at the end of the weekend when i'm getting ready to go home i am absolutely exhausted and it takes me a couple of days to recover from a full on weekend and having barley any sleep.

There are other things which irritate me for example the eldest follows me around the house constantly and i feel like i can't even get two minutes by myself or if im chatting to my daughter shes trying to climb on me and get the attention, she eats things off my plate while i am still eating, knocks on the door constantly if i am on the toilet or in the shower and she does the same to my daughter. i don't tell her off because i feel like i can't as i dont feel comfortable doing that but i do say things like 'just give me two minutes please'

my partner does tell them off when needed and he will say to them can you just give her some space or that its rude to eat from someone's plate etc. but then on the other hand if i want to nip to the shop sometimes for 10 minutes peace and one of his kids ask to come with me and i say no i'll be back soon he will say infront of them 'can't she just come with you' or if me and my daughter are going shopping he will say infront of them can mine come with you aswell with no intention of himself coming and it just makes me look like a horrible person when i say no to them.

during the week i try to avoid going round when his children are there but he definitely notices that that is what i'm doing and makes comments that i don't want to spend time with him or the kids, to which i have always said i have my own house to run, my own child to look after and i can't always be with him at his house he isnt the one whos packing the over night bags to go and stay, bringing my dog with me to his house and then packing it all up to come back home the next day. but he just goes in abit of a mood and sulks about it. he can be quite needy and i am not like that at all i am very independant and like my own space.

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and worried i am not cut out for this and that if we do eventually move in together i will be unhappy and so will my daughter.

any responses are really appreciated but please be kind.

While I sometimes disagree with the people saying you should wait years to introduce a partner to kids, this is a bit too much. You could have met the kids in a low pressure setting, had some days out together here and there, but not done the overnight thing, forcing them to change their sleeping arrangements. Really there is no need for your DD to hang out much with them unless she really wants to. He also sounds like a bit of a useless parent with his guilt tripping and the badly behaved kids.

Step right back and if he’s not on the same page then you need to end it.

you're all amazing thankyou so much to everyone ( even the more blunt ones haha) i now know what i need to do and how to approach this. if it doesn't go down well and he doesn't understand then it tells me everything and it will be time to move on!! thanks everyone

Yes I think it is too quick - but the bottom line is you don’t want to be a SM to these young kids and that’s fine. You either take on the SM role wholeheartedly or not at all.

You see kids as impingements to your life and the one you want to live with your DP but they are a whole package - so he is just not the right partner for you.

Honestly it just sounds like you need to drop back to just seeing your boyfriend on child free weekends. The kids are so little and are clearly not adapting well.

Good luck having the conversation!

Your boyfriend is doing that classic divorced dad thing of seeing the new woman is childcare for his kids.

Protect yourself and your dd by dialling it back because the kids clearly don’t want to blend and no wishful thinking for their dad will make it happen.

Most people choose to avoid step parenting and if you decide it’s not for you then it doesn’t mean that you didn’t try hard enough or that you’re a bad person.

This is a good approach op.

If he doesn't want to go back to just dating without kids, then it will tell you all you need to know.

If I understand it correctly, you don’t actually love together? Ie you are not a step parent but their father’s girlfriend? This is really a very different dynamic.

Also, you only have your daughter at weekends when he has his, which seems a bit rough on her, especially as it sounds as though you go to his place? It also means you are invading his DDs’ space too and that they don’t get to have weekends with him without you. And obviously they aren't ready for that.

Tbh I would bin the every weekend thing - the weekends you both have the kids, either alternate so you both have one full weekend with your own kids and one together, but you take your daughter home each night, or maybe just spend the Saturday together as a blended group. And take dating back to a night or two in the week - your DD is old enough to be left at home if you go out for dinner.

While you both may feel you are ready to up things, it’s clear his kids are not. And that is not fair on your DD either, especially as she will have GCSEs soon and really doesn’t need to weekend drama. I’d really dial everything back and let him parent at weekends and you focus on your daughter. If you are both that committed, you will have to take a slower route.

This x100

Far, far too soon.

His kids are very small and I don’t think it’s reasonable at all to demand a change to their sleep routine, they are likely still adjusting to their mum and dad being separated and it’s not necessary to create more changes at this stage.

Ultimately you have different parenting styles and that’s okay, being judgemental and trying to enforce different styles on each other won’t help.

Agree with other posters, stop trying to blend the families and keep that separate to your relationship. It alleviates the pressure and potential disagreements.

How you are feeling is quite normal. It’s also your warning sign that this isn’t going to work.

You meet a needy man who made needy children and they irritate you.

Your daughter isn’t happy.

DP’s children aren’t happy.

You actively avoid being around his children.

DP wants more from you as a step mum than you’re prepared to give.

Don’t let your search for love and a family blind you to the reality here. This isn’t the love-filled family you’re dreaming of.

Think about this OP. You want another chance at love and happiness. You appear to be wanting to move the relationship forward. It isn't working. Why would you remain stuck eternally in dating-land with this man, who is never going to be husband material due to the attitude he's already shown towards you, when you could find a single child-free man who is available to have the sort of living-together-as-a-family relationship you want to have?

It's like you've walked into the grocery store after getting cravings for a fresh juicy bag of apples, picked up a bag of oranges and taken it to the till saying this'll do, it's still fruit and only half of them are mouldy. Just, why?

Get out there in the world and look for what you actually want. This man isn't it.

Update- I’ve spoken with him and I explained my feelings so clearly and I really focused about it being about the children’s happiness and that we need to have these conversations so that everyone is happy, and so we can eventually move forward but do it more slowly so that it doesn’t feel so intense for them and we just need to go back to basics and change some things. I don’t think I could have said it any better than I have done.

I asked his thoughts and feelings on it and suggested that we stop the sleep overs when it’s our weekend with the kids and that we have one of the days separate. And we can reassess in a few months time. Our child free time will obviously stay the same like it always has done I’ve just focused on the children.

as I expected he doesn’t agree. He said he doesn’t want a girlfriend who just flits in and out when she wants to and that his kids already have a mum who’s done that to them. And he wants us to feel like a unit and not separate. He’s just not getting it at all. So draining. He said he is going to give me space for things to ‘settle down’ and that he’ll see me either Friday or Saturday if ‘I’m free’ ( it’s our child free weekend this coming weekend so the plan was for us to spend the whole weekend together no kids)

thoughts?

He said he doesn’t want a girlfriend who just flits in and out when she wants to and that his kids already have a mum who’s done that to them. And he wants us to feel like a unit and not separate.

He wants you to be there to take on parenting responsibilities, childcare and all the drudge work so that he's not running around after his two kids without any help.

Nothing in there about what's in any of the children's best interests - it's purely about him and what he wants. Interesting that he views wanting to slow things down to make sure it's right for all concerned, as "flitting". This one is not a keeper - throw him back.

He's not hearing you. He wants to be a 'unit'? Ask him how that looks from his point of view, ie. you take care of his children, not have a piss in peace, have him ask you to do things in front of them so putting you in the place of being the 'bad' person when you don't want to take them to the shops etc?

He is massively unreasonable comparing you to the kids mum! He really is looking for a mum substitute, he couldn't make it any clearer. It's so unfair on both you and your daughter.

New to this thread. Thoughts though are let him be then. Let it sink in and see how he is at the weekend. You've done the right thing for the kids. He doesn't have to agree but it sounds like really he just doesn't want to parent them alone. He's been alone with them but lapsing on parenting it seems hence co sleeping and letting them get away with things. If he wants a relationship he needs to work on these things before blending not during/after.

Let him know it's for your daughter too, he doesn't get to say what's best for her only you and her know that, if he doesn't want that then I guess you go your seperate ways. The OPs are right this is blending gone badly before it's begun and if you fully move in etc you'll be stuck so don't rush it.

So he wants it his way or not at all. He doesn't care about your point of view at all or what's best for the kids.

Comparing you to his ex is very manipulative. How can he compare the kids biological mother flitting in and out their lives to someone not even related to them doing it. That's ridiculous. Plus if she has them 50% of the time how is she flitting in and out their lives any more than he is?

You want different things. Sorry OP, it doesn’t sound like he wants to compromise or even understand your perspective. It’s a very sensible suggestion to slow things down for the sake of the kids but he is prioritising being a ‘unit’.

Nothing will change. He's acting like you've had a tantrum for no reason. He's behaving as if he's "generously" brushing it under the carpet and will ignore it going forward. Because in his life he is king and how he wants it to be is how it will be (regardless of the impact on his DC, notice how everything he says is about what he wants).

He's belittling you - "flitting in and out"? Refusing to provide childcare for him, he means! Wanting to be a unit - wants you to do the grunt work of raising his DC.

You haven't even moved in yet and already he's palmed one bedtime off on you and tries to get you to take them when you go out so he can a) have a break from them and b) doesn't have to deal with the resulting tantrum when DC doesn't get their own way. He DGAF that you and DD are woken all night by his DC and exhausted. His DD is clingy to you, why? When her own parent is there? Because you're parenting her more than he is. You haven't even moved in and you've already become default parent to the eldest.

PP are correct, he sees childcare as wife work and so he's looking for a new substitute wife. Sex on tap and someone to share the bills with probably factors in there too.

His comments about Friday/Saturday are sulky, whilst simultaneously letting you know he expects you to cave in and return to how things were. It's coercion, do as he insinuates he wants (he hasn't outright demanded it so it looks like it's your "choice") or suffer the consequences. IE sulking and an atmosphere. Or that ultimate of threats for someone who he perceives as needy: he'll break up with you (he won't, he wants you around for the aforementioned reasons, so he'll just try harder to control you).

Oh dear. He’s responded with what HE wants, not thought about the kids at all and is brushing you off. Like you said, that tells you all you need to know.

Also he’s assigned you a role.

She's 3!

And your daughter is entering her most vulnerable period. I'd really park all the blending stuff and just enjoy each other's company every other weekend.

What's the rush if he's the one you're going to be with forever?

On no account move in together .

if you want to keep seeing him, just see him when you’re child free and not with the kids.

I don't like his response to your entirely sensible suggestions I'm afraid... it feels like he's trying to find someone to dump a whole load of childcare on tbh

Yes, exactly!

That's not a good reaction. If he's either unwilling or unable to grasp what is in the best interests of his own children then your daughter stands absolutely no chance. Not that I expect a step parent to treat their step child as their own but I volunteer with children and it sounds like I show more consideration to those children than your partner is doing to all three children here.