Is how I'm feeling normal as new step parent?

[helpimnowastepmum]

Hi everyone! long time lurker here, first time posting. I am looking for some advice/reassurance...I'm not sure really as I keep thinking how I'm feeling isn't normal and that there's something wrong with me for feeling the way i do.

Me and my partner have been together for a year now. we live separately with a view of eventually moving in together but no solid plans at the moment as there is no rush. He has two children ( 6&3) I have one daughter (12) it has always been just me and my daughter for the past 9 years and i have always wanted that chance at love and family life again, so when i met my current partner who makes me feel the way that i do, is supportive, makes me laugh and we just get on like a house on fire, i wanted to just go for it and be with him! Before we introduced the children we spent alot of time really getting to know each other,

and we waited a good 4/5 months before introducing our kids.

He has his children 50% of the time, i have my daughter full time and she goes to her dads every other weekend ( me and current partner have the same child free weekends) so we do get those child free weekends every other week. Which makes me feel awful even writing this as i know other parents do not ever get a break.

However when we are all together on our weekends with the children it is very very full on. His children demand alot of attention constantly, they arent the sort of children where they will just happily occupy themselves, the tantrums are off the scale over the smallest things if they cant get their own way, particularly the eldest one. and the youngest is very whingey and is constantly telling me to go away from her or shouting ' I dont want you' at me. Fun days out we plan end up not being fun at all because of melt downs and crying and then my own daughter ends up having a rubbish time and i can see she feels stressed and uncomfortable when all of this is happening as she's not used to having siblings being an only child.

They have also both always co slept with my partner to which I said from the beginning i will not be sharing a bed with is children so if he is wanting me and my daughter to sleep over when his children are there then they need to be in their own beds, to which we have done and its been very tough as they are used to sleeping in the bed with him. So recently its been he gets the youngest to bed and i get his eldest to bed and i lay with her until she goes to sleep, but then they are both up and down all night and everyone is not having a good sleep including my daughter who is in the spare room listening to it all being woken up during the night. i find at the end of the weekend when i'm getting ready to go home i am absolutely exhausted and it takes me a couple of days to recover from a full on weekend and having barley any sleep.

There are other things which irritate me for example the eldest follows me around the house constantly and i feel like i can't even get two minutes by myself or if im chatting to my daughter shes trying to climb on me and get the attention, she eats things off my plate while i am still eating, knocks on the door constantly if i am on the toilet or in the shower and she does the same to my daughter. i don't tell her off because i feel like i can't as i dont feel comfortable doing that but i do say things like 'just give me two minutes please'

my partner does tell them off when needed and he will say to them can you just give her some space or that its rude to eat from someone's plate etc. but then on the other hand if i want to nip to the shop sometimes for 10 minutes peace and one of his kids ask to come with me and i say no i'll be back soon he will say infront of them 'can't she just come with you' or if me and my daughter are going shopping he will say infront of them can mine come with you aswell with no intention of himself coming and it just makes me look like a horrible person when i say no to them.

during the week i try to avoid going round when his children are there but he definitely notices that that is what i'm doing and makes comments that i don't want to spend time with him or the kids, to which i have always said i have my own house to run, my own child to look after and i can't always be with him at his house he isnt the one whos packing the over night bags to go and stay, bringing my dog with me to his house and then packing it all up to come back home the next day. but he just goes in abit of a mood and sulks about it. he can be quite needy and i am not like that at all i am very independant and like my own space.

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and worried i am not cut out for this and that if we do eventually move in together i will be unhappy and so will my daughter.

any responses are really appreciated but please be kind.

Without sticking the boot in I couldn't have put it better myself.
Sorry OP but this sounds so stressful and chaotic for you.. but as an adult you have choices..
None of the DC have had any say in this..

Thankyou so much for all of your responses it has really helped clear my mind as i knew deep down we needed to dial it right back. i am dreading having this conversation with him as i know it will not go down well. any tips on how to approach without sounding like a wicked step mother?

I think he wants you doing his childcare.
Its too soon to blend families. I would take a big step back. Theyre his kids.

Just date your boyfriend without the drudgery of forcing all the kids to be involved. It's not in their best interests and they are desperately showing that they all hate being forced to be around each other.
The sole point of having a boyfriend is to make your life easier, fun and enhance it.

This man started dating when he had a 2 year old (who does that???) - he really is looking for a ‘mum substitute’ for his kids - note, most divorced dads are.

This.

First of all, you're not a new step parent. They are your boyfriend's children. You are not living together and you are two separate households. You need to slow right down!

His children are 6 & 3, they're very little and already shuttling between their mum and dad's houses which is unsettling for any child. They are having to get used to different sleeping arrangements because you are there. They are having to get used to you and your daughter being around.

If I were you, I would cut back on trying to blend your families and just date your boyfriend for a good while yet. Don't rush into playing happy families. Spend time with your daughter one to one and keep your dating life separate for now.

Why not spend the child free weekends and the weekends with your children apart?

For your sake and the sake of all your children, especially your daughter who is especially likely to have no interest in spending weekends with a three year old and six year old. That is pure burden for her with little to no upside. And for what? It doesn't benefit her at all, only you, and it sounds like it's not even benefitting you.

Think how you'd feel as a teenager if you had to spend every other weekend with two toddlers who you're not even related to. It just stops you from having a good time. And that's the only weekend time she gets to spend with her mum as well essentially ruined by the presence of these extra children who are at a very needy age.

Don't do it to her.

I meant why not spend the child free weekends together.

It is never going to work.

You put your needs above your daughters - this must be hell for her.

Either break up or go back to dating - but keep this as a long term solution until all kids are in uni. Your own daughter will be getting more and more independent soon and before you know it, will be off at uni and you will be free to do as you please. Do you really want to play nanny for these children when you could be living your own life? They are not yours, he needs to parent his own children.

If I were you, but I hate conflict so you could be more direct if you want to, I would just be a bit busier/set up things for your 12 year old.

"Oh sorry, can't do this Sunday, taking my daughter to her friend's house" "oh can't do next Saturday, off to the cinema and it's a 12 rated film"

Surely most of what your 12 year old wants to do isn't really appropriate for the 3 and 6 year old?

If he tackles you about it, you can make it more about your DD than his kids. "Oh it's just that she really wants to do xxx which isn't going to work "

Also, reading your last post, you are trying to placate him. Why? You are not there to do his childcare; you want to be his girlfriend, that is it. If he has a problem with that, red flags are waving. But as you said, he is needy and sulky so he probably will. You need higher standards.

I think you need to frame the conversation in such a way as to put the needs of all three children front and centre as opposed to focusing on how you feel about his children. If he responds badly to that then that says a lot about his character because who could argue with someone wanting to do what is in the best interests of a child?

Yeah

If you say - look the age gap is quite big so they have different needs and they benefit from time just with their parents as well, let's dial down the amount of time we all spend together? It's difficult to argue with

If you make it all about his kids being PITA, it won't go down well.

Have the conversation early on your free weekend. Plan beforehand. Write down your main bullet points (eg value relationship with him, this not working for the kids, makes you stressed as you value time alone) and plan for what you want (eg free weekends together and once a month kid meet ups but no overnights with kids, review in 6 months). Obviously with your own ideas, not mine and you don't need the paper out unless it helps you to remember what you want to say.
Don't criticise his kids or parenting. Listen to what he is saying. Give him time if he needs to think about his response (24 hours ish, not dragging on past the weekend). If he is upset because things won't be how he invisaged, he's entitled to his feelings. You are entitled to state what will work for you.

Halfway into your OP @helpimnowastepmum it is obvious that this is far too soon.
I'm not sure that his parenting style/his standards will ever make it possible to live in one household. In my opinion, I would concentrate my energies and brain on you daughter's needs as she goes into puberty. Having those young kids will make that time for her much more difficult.

I started dating my DH when he had a 2yo. I met her when she was 3. Neither of us intended on things getting serious and it was only supposed to be a casual thing but we ended up falling for each other.

The difference being, he was always his DDs main carer so was more than capable of being a parent without a substitute mum. He also never forced me to take on any childcare. I would tag along on days out but he would be the one doing all the parenting. He respected that I was a child free woman and was used to my own independence and would never take the huff if I said I didn't want to do something with the kids. He's tell DSD to leave me alone or distract her if he felt I wasn't getting peace to do something.

I'm really close to my DSD now and have taken on a parenting role but it's all been my own choice and it's been a gradual thing. I also didn't have my own child to worry about.

...but then on the other hand if i want to nip to the shop sometimes for 10 minutes peace and one of his kids ask to come with me and i say no i'll be back soon he will say infront of them 'can't she just come with you' or if me and my daughter are going shopping he will say infront of them can mine come with you aswell with no intention of himself coming and it just makes me look like a horrible person when i say no to them

...then packing it all up to come back home the next day. but he just goes in abit of a mood and sulks about it. he can be quite needy...

He is not a keeper OP.

He undermines you, setting you up to fail regarding his DC and wants to use you as childcare so he can get a break from his own DC.

Sulking is a form of emotional abuse. It won't feel so mild and easy to ignore once you live there and it's happening in what will then be your own home. You won't be able to fully be yourself or parent DD to the best of your ability when you're being emotionally abused. Sulking tends to escalate to other forms of abuse if it doesn't work.

You're exhausted from his DC and their behaviour as a result of split-up-trauma and bad parenting. That will only increase if you live with him because you'll be around them more. This too impacts on your ability to be yourself and parent DD to the best of your ability.

Mainly though, the situation of you all being together is detrimental to your DDs wellbeing, so continuing this relationship on anything other than a dating-when-his-DC-aren't-around basis is a massive no-no for that reason.

I would say to him that you want time together to be fun for everyone and not to take too much of the children's time with their own parent. Suggest planned afternoons or evenings together to go to cinema, bowling or swimming or something. Not routinely in the house all children together yet.

Frame it as best for the children, which it is. You have plenty of child free time together to build your relationship as a couple.

If he complains or tries to guilt trip you into not wanting to spend time with his kids explain you are prioritising his kids time with him and if he doesn't agree with that it is clear he is just wanting to blend to share the load (which would be fine if kids all happy but they aren't so it is selfish of him).

Also, reading your last post, you are trying to placate him. Why?

She's being emotionally abused and is responding in the manner of a victim.

OP, take a long hard look at how your own behaviour has changed due to him. This is the start of a slippery slope, don't put both feet on it. Get yourself back to your own home and life full time.

i am dreading having this conversation with him as i know it will not go down well

Why do you want to date a man you're too scared to have an ordinary simple conversation with? You don't need tips on how to manipulate him round to your way of thinking, you need to ditch him for someone who you can actually talk to without drama occurring.

This is very concerning. You should never have to worry about talking to your partner about anything.

This one isn't a keeper OP.

I think you're gut feeling here is really worth listening to.
You're uncomfortable about the situation and are dreading talking about it with him.
It's not a healthy dynamic.

Why would you be the evil stepmother? You are admitting that all of the children are distressed because none of the adults are making them a priority. The adults need to role back to dating and consider the occasional wider family daytime activity so the children can be more comfortable.

I think the fact 'you always wanted a chance of love and happiness again' (in itself fairly common!) has completely blinded you to the huge red flags this guy is waving.

He got 50/50 to avoid paying CM (speculation but common) then immediately set about finding a woman, any woman, to do his childcare (known), and that that woman is scared to have the conversation with him that she doesn't want to do his childcare because of how he will react (known).

I'm sorry op, as it's so difficult to spot when you want to fall in love so badly, but this man isn't a keeper.

Another woman sleepwalking into becoming a nanny for a divorced man - crazy
Your poor daughter
Why are you so desperate for a man that you would accept this behaviour?

Another bloke wanting his girlfriend to parent his kids!

You sound lovely OP.

Just explain your focus is 100 percent on your daughter and you're sure as a dad himself, he understands.

And go back to just lovely child free dates.