Is how I'm feeling normal as new step parent?

[helpimnowastepmum]

Hi everyone! long time lurker here, first time posting. I am looking for some advice/reassurance...I'm not sure really as I keep thinking how I'm feeling isn't normal and that there's something wrong with me for feeling the way i do.

Me and my partner have been together for a year now. we live separately with a view of eventually moving in together but no solid plans at the moment as there is no rush. He has two children ( 6&3) I have one daughter (12) it has always been just me and my daughter for the past 9 years and i have always wanted that chance at love and family life again, so when i met my current partner who makes me feel the way that i do, is supportive, makes me laugh and we just get on like a house on fire, i wanted to just go for it and be with him! Before we introduced the children we spent alot of time really getting to know each other,

and we waited a good 4/5 months before introducing our kids.

He has his children 50% of the time, i have my daughter full time and she goes to her dads every other weekend ( me and current partner have the same child free weekends) so we do get those child free weekends every other week. Which makes me feel awful even writing this as i know other parents do not ever get a break.

However when we are all together on our weekends with the children it is very very full on. His children demand alot of attention constantly, they arent the sort of children where they will just happily occupy themselves, the tantrums are off the scale over the smallest things if they cant get their own way, particularly the eldest one. and the youngest is very whingey and is constantly telling me to go away from her or shouting ' I dont want you' at me. Fun days out we plan end up not being fun at all because of melt downs and crying and then my own daughter ends up having a rubbish time and i can see she feels stressed and uncomfortable when all of this is happening as she's not used to having siblings being an only child.

They have also both always co slept with my partner to which I said from the beginning i will not be sharing a bed with is children so if he is wanting me and my daughter to sleep over when his children are there then they need to be in their own beds, to which we have done and its been very tough as they are used to sleeping in the bed with him. So recently its been he gets the youngest to bed and i get his eldest to bed and i lay with her until she goes to sleep, but then they are both up and down all night and everyone is not having a good sleep including my daughter who is in the spare room listening to it all being woken up during the night. i find at the end of the weekend when i'm getting ready to go home i am absolutely exhausted and it takes me a couple of days to recover from a full on weekend and having barley any sleep.

There are other things which irritate me for example the eldest follows me around the house constantly and i feel like i can't even get two minutes by myself or if im chatting to my daughter shes trying to climb on me and get the attention, she eats things off my plate while i am still eating, knocks on the door constantly if i am on the toilet or in the shower and she does the same to my daughter. i don't tell her off because i feel like i can't as i dont feel comfortable doing that but i do say things like 'just give me two minutes please'

my partner does tell them off when needed and he will say to them can you just give her some space or that its rude to eat from someone's plate etc. but then on the other hand if i want to nip to the shop sometimes for 10 minutes peace and one of his kids ask to come with me and i say no i'll be back soon he will say infront of them 'can't she just come with you' or if me and my daughter are going shopping he will say infront of them can mine come with you aswell with no intention of himself coming and it just makes me look like a horrible person when i say no to them.

during the week i try to avoid going round when his children are there but he definitely notices that that is what i'm doing and makes comments that i don't want to spend time with him or the kids, to which i have always said i have my own house to run, my own child to look after and i can't always be with him at his house he isnt the one whos packing the over night bags to go and stay, bringing my dog with me to his house and then packing it all up to come back home the next day. but he just goes in abit of a mood and sulks about it. he can be quite needy and i am not like that at all i am very independant and like my own space.

I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and worried i am not cut out for this and that if we do eventually move in together i will be unhappy and so will my daughter.

any responses are really appreciated but please be kind.

Thoughts are that this is EXACTLY what we all predicted.

He only wants you to take care of his kids.

And worse, he's so confident you're desperate to cling to him, that he's twisted it to make it your fault.

I would say 'I don't need to think about it. This isn't what I want, or what I want for my daughter. Take care.'

The children are very young.

I personal would step back a bit and just continue to see each other at the weekends your kids free.

Then have some occasional days with the kids for only fun events.

As the children grow and mature it will get a lot easier and they won’t be so dependent on each parent’s.

My advise is to step back and enjoy the time as children free and then slow build up family time as the children grow and mature. You’ll need a lot of patients.

Well done for having the conversation and getting across what you wanted to say.
You already knew he tends to get grumpy/sulk. If you can live with that trait, I'd do as he suggests and wait until the weekend. If he has come around with a few days to think about things, and will agree with your boundaries, I don't see why you can't continue a relationship. If he tries to punish you for not fitting into his ideal "family unit" or keeps pushing it's not going to work.

Well done OP. You had the first conversation which was the hardest.

So he doesn't want a gf who flits in an out due to impact on kids

I agree. This is not good for such young kids.

The answer is not, however, that you bind more as a unit. The answer is that you pull back more, so maybe even not be there at all when his kids are there. Or you're there but casually as a friend dropping in sort of thing.

They need stability and this relationship is too too new to guarantee that. You both have to prioritise your children. And it's not an option to blend at this early stage

Soo basically he doesn’t want to look after his kids on his own? I agree with pp. The fact that you were scared to raise it with him is very telling. His reaction is very telling. Think very carefully about going forwards with this man.

My response would be "I don't need to think about it.

Are you trying to punish me?"

Get rid, OP.

You ARE a girlfriend. You have the right to flit wherever you want to. And all the rest of it…

Put yourself and your DD first and wave goodbye to this one.

His response is not good. You’ve known the kids a matter of months and by palming them off on you, HE is the one being flitting and inconsistent with them. He needs to parent them, you can spend some time together with his kids to build a relationship over time, slowly, but you are not their mum and they will come to resent you if you are there all the time. Seriously he’s such an idiot for doing this and is basically ruining any chances of this working.
I would probably have one more strong word with him and if he’s still like this, I’d end the relationship. Honestly, what a twat.

You are not a unit, you don't live together, the children are young and not happy. He just wants help with parenting, then sulking, comparing you wanting to step back a bit to him and their mother splitting is a very low blow. Seeing you less at the weekend is too.

I would not be continuing relationship.

I'll keep it brief from my own experience.

If you perceive his kids to be poorly parented, (and we all have different ideas about rules/behaviour etc, so it's not a judgment, just a statement of how you feel), it won't get better. Never. And it will drive you round the twist. Just don't do it! Save a lot of heartache later down the line

Well done OP!

Sadly it seems he really can't be bothered to parent his kids and is determined that you will be doing it.

Well done for putting your DD first.

I bet he'll give in BTW. He won't want to lose his girlfriend weekends - men like him hate being single. So if you want to keep him just on child free weekends I'll bet you can.

His response just confirms what others have been saying - he's thinking of what he wants and not what is best for his children.

Whiel I agree with a lot of the posters here in that he is not getting it and is way too quick in thinking you will take on the parenting role, I actually think you are as bad. You are putting his child to bed becuase you refuse to allow co-sleeping. Honestly, I don't understand why, if his DC are so much younger and still clingy, you ever decided to do sleepovers from the start. Sure, start doing some things during the day and getting to know each other but you suddenly appearin gin their house on the weekends, changing their sleeping routine? No, I'm afraid neither you nor your boyfriend have behaved well here and it's not good for anyone.

No sleepovers. Spend time together sure, get everyone used to it. But give the younger children the security of knowing this new woman is not moving in and taking their dad away and give your dd the security of knowing that her mum is still available to her completely.

I did feel sorry for those little children who just wanted to sleep with their dad, probably because they wanted some certainty in the whole set-up.

OP, if you do decide to continue with this relationship (though my feeling is probably better not) going back to short daytime outings for a good while would probably be best.

Yes changing the sleep routine was a bad move. I can understand that you don’t want to share a bed at this early stage with your SKs but then the solution is clearly no sleepovers, not a drastic change to sleeping arrangements, which will cause resentment towards you from the kids.

He comes across like a dad who went 50:50 to avoid paying child maintenance but can’t handle that much time with his kids alone, so is trying to rope you into it.

You need to set your own boundaries here for you and your daughter. He can throw his toys out the pram but that won’t impact on your decision to keep your daughter at home with you rather than traipsing over to his chaotic household.

He has himself to blame as it might not have come to this if he’d parented his children properly whilst you were staying there.

Hi @helpimnowastepmum just read your full thread - well done for tackling things and communicating with him. Sorry he was a t*t about it, you can't be feeling great now I know. But so much better to know where you stand, and to see what's right for you and your DD. And for his DC too!

I just wanted to say please don't beat yourself up about part-blending (or whatever we're calling it) too fast. These things happen. You're obviously a good and lovely person, you deserve happiness and you make decisions at the time based on what you know and are experiencing.

I'm in a 'part-blended' relationship, and after 3 years I'm taking a step back, because a few things have made me realise we were doing a bit too much together. So while not living together, which is right, spending LOADS of time together and holidays etc. can also make it more confusing for the DC, with a weird commitment/connection that isn't tangible or consistent. Our DCs really get on and are a similar age, but that lulled me into a false sense of security I think, because we're still separate families, parent differently and ultimately are only fully relaxed/goblin mode when it's just us. So while some mixing and doing stuff together is lovely (although I appreciate that isn't the case for you), it being the default isn't the right thing for the kids.

The years are short, and I've realised while I very much want my boyfriend and his DC in our lives, I don't want to change what me and my lovely kids have, just us. And I want to make the most of the time we have together.

Good luck, and enjoy your time with your DD!

Definitely don't combine homes, it would make your life worse. And you don't need to all be together on the child weekends.

To be fair, though, how often do people go into a blended family set-up with being in someone else's children's lives as their primary objective? I obviously agree that someone in OP's shoes needs to accept/be happy about the whole package and have affection for the potential stepchildren, but the wholeheartedness you speak about is always going to be tempered with the fact that it's the adults' relationship driving the new family set-up. (I'm talking generally here, rather than specifically about OP's situation.)
People don't form relationships on the basis of having a burning urge to be a stepparent first and foremost. (And in fact, I'd consider it rather troubling if they did.)

What are your thoughts OP?
I think he's sulking to try and bring you back in line...he wants the unit to reduce his load not enhance yours.

Thus. First poster nails it

Far far too soon to be meeting each others children & of course his 2 need his attention....one is only 3 years old fgs !

As for stopping them sleep with him when you are over there !! Talk about controlling. If you were a man talking you'd be given your arse on a plate. So I'm going to do it.

Just go back to dating. You had every other weekend together.....wasn't that enough ?

Sorry, just seen your update.

The blokes an arsehole & if he cant see the damage that's being done then you need some time apart to rethink. In your shoes I'd finish with him.

Hi everyone, no update since last night as yet, we haven’t spoken about it and haven’t seen each other but there will definitely be a proper conversation about this in the next few days. I think he’s going to push back but I’ll be staying strong with what I’ve said as I believe it’s the right thing to do.

just with the sleeping arrangements with the children I will admit me and him..at first.. got all swept up in the idea of becoming a blended family and that it was going to be all sunshine and rainbows and we have rushed everything, and now I’m seeing we shouldn’t of done that.

i was coming from a place of I never co slept with my daughter, she was in her own room from 6 months and I was really strict with it. But I do understand that everyone’s different and some people love co sleeping. I personally think with co sleeping nobody is getting a good nights sleep and rest, and if you were to split up with a partner and someone else come into your life and you are co sleeping…you’re Gunna have abit of a problem on your hands. But that’s just me. I definitely didn’t need to it as soon as I have though. And he was fully on board with it aswell and said he’d been needing to do it for a long time.

will update you all asap!

It’s simply too early to blend op. I’ve been with my partner 4 years and so far we’ve only done holidays together and sleep overs sometimes with the kids. I can really understand how frustrating this must be for your 12 year old as his kids are a completely different age stage - while his would prefer sift play or the park, am sure your dd would prefer the cinema / bowling / shopping.
What you are feeling is over whelmed ( I usually do after spending more that 2 days with dps children who are both under 10 where as I have a tween and a late teen.)
Dont force it on your kids just because you want to spend more time with your partner as it’s unfair to both sets of kids.

I couldn't think of anything worse than blending families! Imagine your child being uncomfortable and unhappy, your partner telling her off for things, his children getting on your nerves and not wanting you there, trying to make the finances fair - honestly, it sounds to me as though it would be a nightmare!