Ex wife and boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break to Lanzarote whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

Toughen up. She is probably also older than you and she likes the setup the way it is. However you should have made sure you had the children’s permission to post the pucture.

I did have their permission. They loved it!

Firstly, boundaries are for you, not for other people. You can't control how someone behaves, only how you respond to it. The girls are 17 and 19. Why is your DP even still in contact with his ex, never mind the fact that she is contacting him every day? He can do nothing about her wanting to contact him every day, that's out with his control but he can just block her. I assume the girls have their own phones and are capable of making their own arrangements with him.

Secondly, why the hell is he paying her maintenance when he has them just as much as she does. That's ridiculous enough in itself. Especially since they're essentially both adults now. Please tell me this is due to stop soon?

Regarding the Facebook nonsense, just ignore her. It's got nothing to do with her what you post on social media. If your OH is happy for you to post a pic of his kids then it's none of her business.

But yeah, get her blocked, cut the payouts and just ignore her.

How long ago did they split up?

Have there been any partners in between?

Do you live together?

I can sort of see her POV about the FB profile picture. Not saying it's logical but I can see it.

yeah I blocked her after this. He has contact because they are 17 and 15, not 19. And maintenance all went through lawyers years ago (from my understanding it’s means tested? But I don’t really fully comprehend how it works). You’re right, it’s time to set boundaries towards her. No more phone calls or texts. It’s ridiculous, especially when we have clear days of the week/weekends that we have them!

You’ve only been with the guy for 18 months and 6 months into the relationship you were already saving for a “family holiday”?

Your post does come across as if you’re really trying hard and your dislike of the ex based purely on what your boyfriend his told you is very clear.

Leave your boyfriend to deal with his ex. Their financial arrangements aren’t any of your business.

I’m with her on the FB profile pic actually and your reasoning that I wanted them to feel included and part of the family is a bit desperate and tenuous. They are part of the family, them and their dad. It seems more like you wanting to make yourself feel part of their family.

Yes we do live together. They split up in 2021 and divorce finalised last year. It took ages. there was a crossover her end with her and her now partner who lives with her. But that’s by the by and irrelevant really.
I do know exactly what you mean about the FB thing. I think it’s the way she attacked me and partner about it. It’s been up for ages too? I’m trying not to cut off my nose to spite my face by not removing it on principal if that makes sense. 😂

Sorry I got the ages wrong but still, at 15 and 17 there is no need for him to be in contact with his ex. My DH has arranged contact with my SSs directly since they were 13/14. What exactly does he need to be in contact about?

I'm assuming there's a schedule and he can text the kids "I'll get you at 6pm" etc. What's the actual need for their mum to be involved?

I couldn’t agree more.

Social media and mixed families is very complex. One of my friends regularly posts pictures of herself with her stepchildren, including captions about how they say she is the best mum ever. But they have a mum. It seems at the least insensitive to post it.

And in your situation I can see from her perspective it must look like you are trying to replace her.

From your perspective, her constant contact with your partner must be frustrating, but that is a matter for him to resolve. A degree of polite contact/friendship between their parents must be in the interests of the children if possible. Equally, she shouldn't be contacting you so I would block her on everything.

Divorces and human beings are messy things. Loads of emotions swirling around which may not be logical but are still there nonetheless. The picture obviously triggered something in her.

You're doing the right thing by getting solid boundaries in place and being calm about the situation. More arguments will only put the girls in the middle of warring parents.

Sounds like you've got a lovely relationship with the DSDs which is the main thing.

Yeah, block her. No need for you to interact with her at all. Maybe you will have to see her at the DD’s future weddings if they marry but otherwise nope, you don’t need to see or speak to her ever. Your DP ideally should do the same as the kids are so old.
My DP’s ex is pretty unhinged and she hates my DP and blames him for a lot of stuff that’s actually self-inflicted. However, she has never come after me because I have given her no reason to. I would never ever post any pics on social media of me and her children, I don’t have her number, she doesn’t have mine, I leave all parenting decisions to the actual parents. I am unfailingly kind to her kids and stay in the background.
When it’s the four of you, you can do the family thing if you want to but not on social media. Just don’t do it.

Your issue here is your partner not his ex.

he needs to be the one setting boundaries and telling his ex they don’t need to communicate so much or that she can’t keep making ridiculous demands for money.

his children are old enough that he can communicate with them directly about things.

you need to speak to him directly, tell him what you’re not comfortable with and ask him what he plans to do about it?

The ex-wife sounds mad to me, but the financial arrangements and the phone calls are for her and your partner to sort out between them. You can't stop her making demands, but he can stop saying yes to her.

Re. the Facebook profile pic, she might have a point if the children were still little, but as they are 15 and 17, I think she's being totally ridiculous. If you have the kids' permission, that's all that matters. I bet she doesn't send angry messages to their friends when they share pics with her daughters in them! Just block her and have nothing to do with her.

The age of the kids means that, increasingly, she will have less and less excuse to contact your partner over the next few years, as he can simply deal with them direct. He can pay maintenance directly to the children when each one turns 18, rather than their mother, and they can buy things they need for themselves with it.

Not sure what the big deal is about social media. If the ex wife is so easily triggered then maybe she shouldn't have gone searching for OPs social media.

OP make all you SM private and block the ex. Post what you like as long as the kids are happy and your OH is happy. Ex should be none the wiser.

Sorry, but I agree with all of this. You've only been around for 18months, you're not a family. The girls have their family, they don't need you to make them feel included in a family.

You're the girlfriend, and a relatively new one by anyone's standards. Just keep out of it. The amount of contact your boyfriend has with his ex, the amount of maintenance he pays, is really none of your business. It's his issue to solve.

You sound very desperate to enmesh yourself in your boyfriend's and his daughter's family life, making them your Facebook profile picture is another indication of this and is a stretch too far at this stage in your relationship imo, when you really should just be enjoying dating.

Oh my god, I've just seen you live together... after only 18months?

Thank you. You’re totally correct. I meant absolutely no harm in the FB pic at all. It was a happy moment and I guess I’m more frustrated of the timing of the message etc.

my partner and I have just hashed this out. He agrees. There’s no need for this much contact. I trust him 1000% and he always shows messages etc (which I really don’t require!). But I can see it’s ALWAYS her ringing him, or asking for money, or speaking about pick ups. Thankfully the eldest drives now so I think the younger might have to let him know when she wants picking up, thinking about it: she already does!!

This! I acknowledge perhaps I shouldn’t have put it on. It wasn’t intended to be hurtful at all. I was merely excited we had had such a nice time. I think the lesson is, no more social media and zero contact with the ex

MN is hilarious sometimes. Got to be together for ten years before you can move in with anyone. Jeezo!

I remember overhearing a conversation between my DSD and her cousin who were 4 and 6 at the time. I'd been in her life for a year and her cousin asked who I was and DSD replied "she's family".

According to OP, the girls have a good relationship with her and were happy to have the photo on social media. If the girls are happy when why are random strangers on MN getting their knickers in a twist?

The ex's feelings are no one else's problem but her own.

Exactly!!!!!! Of course she won’t send angry messages and I know that they are out there

I agree with both @HelpAGirlOut1234 and @SauviGone I'm afraid. You're a girlfriend of 18 months, you aren't anyones family. And best not to be putting photos of anyone else's children on social media, even if they are teenagers.

Thank you so much for saying so. I am very proud of the relationships I have built with the two girls. They have been through a hell of a lot!

Yes but respectfully, you weren't family at that point, even if a 4 year old says you were. They don't have the same understanding of family set ups, you were simply an adult that was associated with family.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. Why shouldn't you share a happy photo? It is not your responsibility to protect someone elses feelings. Your account is private. The ex has actively seeked out your Facebook page knowing there was a risk she could be triggered by what you posted. If she can't accept that her ex has moved on and her kids have someone new in their lives then she shouldn't have gone digging through social media and getting herself all annoyed.