Ex wife and boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break to Lanzarote whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

She said SOME SMs if you read properly and her other posts make it perfectly clear her children live with her. Why twist her words and make unpleasant insinuations?

This is nonsense, actually.

Family is whoever we choose to be so, regardless of what others think.

That child thought the pp was her family, so it's nobody's business to tell her that they're not; except if her father had other ideas as to the nature of his relationship with her.

Why does she talk about them living with her ex and his DP then? Why mention anything about meddling bitches?

The kids obviously live part-time with her and part-time with her ex as is perfectly normal for separated families.

And she mentioned that some SMs can be meddling bitches and try to get involved in decisions that aren’t theirs or overstep reasonably boundaries because some can. Some are nice, like her own ex’s girlfriend, and she appreciates it because she knows not all are like that.

Well no, it's not nonsense actually. I think what you've said is nonsense. Family isn't a girlfriend of 12 months. How confusing for the child if girlfriends of 12 months are being classed as family. You don't even know at that stage if a relationship is for the long haul, so potentially how much 'family' is this child going to losing and gaining either various girlfriends until the father settles down for the long haul?

Young children of not even school age don't always have much of a concept of 'family'. Some 4 year olds think that they'll be unicorns when they grow up. Spoiler alert; they won't.

My post was a week old, I actually had to go back and see what you were talking about.

Believing a step parent is family, even after a shorter time than you find acceptable, is hardly the same as believing in unicorns. I’d be interested to hear what you do think is an acceptable period of time to class a person as family? Also remember that to a 4yo, a year is a quarter of their life - to a 40 year old, it’s a 40th. Children perceive time differently to adults and what seems ‘brief’ to an adult can actually be all that a young child knows. Few kids have genuine memories of when they were babies so most of this girls’ memories at the time might have been formed when her dad’s gf was in her life.

But a girlfriend of 12 months isn't a step parent... it's daddy's girlfriend.

In your opinion.

Plenty of relationships become serious within 12 months. My own did, I moved in after 10 months and we've been together almost 25 years now, married for most of that time. I was introduced to DSD after we'd been together only a few months, at her mother's suggestion. I've always had a great relationship with DSD (now an adult).

Fast moving relationships simply aren't all the trainwrecks you seem to want to think. Of course some/many will be. But plenty aren't.

Regardless of whether or not it works out long term, its just irresponsible to introduce children very early on. I know of kids who have had numerous 'stepparents' throughout the years. It's sad. Where's the stability?

Obviously that's not OK, and obviously applying the stepparent label too soon can be a problem too. I just disagree that 'no introducing' should be some sort of across-the-board one-size-fits-all rule. There are just too many variables.