Ex wife and boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break to Lanzarote whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

You really do want it your way or the high way - unnecessary digs at the EX on everything.
They divorced in 2021 and have been amicably co parenting their daughters since but you do not like it. That relationship is evolving between all of them.
It really is for your DP to set his bundaries and this whole he does not need to communicate with the EX at all thing on MN is mad
They are parents to 2 people -it would be nice if their children, can see that their parents can be civil and they do not have to act as the conduit for communication

No doubt you are going to come back with the hell their BM put them through - you have already gone for monies, alleged overlap of partners through a protracted divorce.

Good you have a good relationship in 18 months with your DSDs but seriously you come across quite sanctimonious - give it a break

The comments on the step parent threads are always so funny. Nobody could surely take them seriously except for the small cohort of mumsnetters who lie in wait to hang, draw and quarter any step mum who has any issue at all. I don't know how the OP will sleep at night knowing that she is the 'desperate rebound' who will never, ever, EVER be part of her DP's family and should never, EVER live with him and definitely never, EVER be nice to his kids. I would absolutely love to know what would make the mumsnetters on here who make hating step mums their part time job happy? What situation could ever be acceptable?

I'm a Stepmum and I have never put photos of my husband's teenagers on SM. I feel it isn't right.

@banality101 well in my case, my DC have a SM who they really like and is very good with them.

She certainly didn't stick her oar in after 18months of being with their DF.

She certainly didn't overstep modern day social media etiquette by plastering pictures of my DC on her SM like they were her family.

She didn't get involved in our financial or parental business as the DCs parents... because she's not their parent.

She didn't move in until after 4years, didn't marry until after 7 years and basically acted with respect towards me, their actual mother, the woman who had birthed and raised the DC before she rocked up.

She didn't come on the scene and think that within 18months she had the right to comment on me and my family or have any input into how my DC were raised.

And she certainly wasn't 20 years younger than my DC father!

People who comment about posters bashing SM don't actually give consideration to the fact that some women who start relationships with men with DC do actually meddle and make situations so much worse at times. Not all of us hate SMs... I certainly don't. But there are absolutely women out there who start relationships and think it's their right to get involved in family business, when it's absolutely not.

19 - 19! years older than you. He's a creep. And you're overstepping with his children.

She didn't move in until after 4years, didn't marry until after 7 years and basically acted with respect towards me, their actual mother, the woman who had birthed and raised the DC before she rocked up.

...

You say that as if every woman's first priority when entering into a relationship with a man who has children should be what timescales are acceptable to their ex wife and adjust their entire life plans accordingly. My DP's ex wife is not in fact my line manager and whilst I considered what was the right time for me, my DP, my DC and his DC when we decided to move in together I can't say I gave a passing thought to whether this would suit his ex wife.

It's not just the fact that my DC SM respected me, she respected my children by taking their time in introducing this new relationship, and this new home life to my DC.

Your post was specifically about mothers bashing SM on this thread, which is why I specifically referenced how my DC SM has always treated me with respect.

You say that as if every woman's first priority when entering into a relationship with a man who has children should be what timescales are acceptable to their ex wife and adjust their entire life plans accordingly. My DP's ex wife is not in fact my line manager and whilst I considered what was the right time for me, my DP, my DC and his DC when we decided to move in together I can't say I gave a passing thought to whether this would suit his ex wife.

@banality101

Funny how you insist on referring to her as the “ex-wife” as though that’s the relevant relationship and not “mother of the children I moved in with”. That is a relationship that certainly merits giving at least a “passing thought” to and you are only making yourself look arrogant by pretending it is entirely irrelevant.

Don't be silly. Ex wife encapsulates 'mother of the children I moved in with' just fine.

It's so arrogant to presume that the 'mother of the children I moved in with' would need to grant permission for where I can live.

No, it's a sly way of evading the important relationship. "Children's mother" is pretty much just as efficient and makes the relationship clearer. "Ex-wife" sounds like someone from the past, who is no longer relevant.

And it's also not that she has to "grant permission". You and I both know that's not something that's necessary, so to pretend that this is what people are asking for is a straw man. "Consideration and respect" is what people are saying is needed, something that you outright state you did not give an ounce of.

@banality101 actually you are coming across as the arrogant one here. While unfortunately mothers don't have a legal right as to who lives with their own children, equal respect and consideration on the part of the mother and the future SM is obviously what's best for the DC.

You obviously don't have any of either for mothers who have to watched their DC be moved in with women who are absolute strangers to them.

Snap @CheekyHobson 😅

OP has been called a desperate rebound and all sorts of other slurs throughout this thread and what you really want to focus on is the semantics of ex wife vs children of the mother I moved in with.

That tells me everything I need to know about the need for consideration and respect and how it never applies to step mums

LOL whatever, I didn't call her a desperate rebound and for the record, I don't approve of that comment in any way, but way to go deflecting from the point I was making in regard to your particular comments.

Incorrect... I've always treated my DC SM with respect and consideration.

Fact is, I found it incredibly painful to watch the DC that I birthed, that I did ALL of the nightwalkings for, early mornings, feeding, laundry, activities, mental load... EVERYTHING, be now living with another woman.

It can be so upsetting to see these little beings you have solely raised be moved on by your shit ex partner, who never raised a finger in many cases, to live with another woman, and have no say over who your little children live with.

What made my situation easier? Mutual respect and consideration. My DC SM has never overstepped boundaries, and I have respected her position in my DC lives as a result. She actually is the only one who makes my shit ex partner a better father because she picks up his slack.

OP however is butting in where she doesn't belong. Finances etc between the parents are none of her business. She has overstepped on SM. She has bashed the mother on this forum. And they have only been together 18months.

And she's 20 years younger than their father, talking like she has any idea what it takes to have children.

No all of us 'ex-wives' hate SM. Some SM are just meddling bitches 🤷🏻‍♀️

People who are not secure in their position always feel the need to exaggerate and mischaracterise the opposite position in order to shore up their own shaky ground.

Examples:

"every woman's first priority when entering into a relationship with a man who has children should be what timescales are acceptable to their ex"

"not my line manager"

"need to grant permission for where I can live"

"the need for consideration and respect ... never applies to step mums"

Why @banality101 is it hard for you to admit that a woman moving in with another woman's children (or a man moving in with another man's children, for that matter) is a situation in which it is fair for the parent's feelings be given some consideration, particularly when the dating timeline has been rather short? It's hardly an outrageous suggestion.

I do have DC, like the majority of women on MN, but when my ex husband got a girlfriend and moved in with her I was quite capable of being an adult about it and quite pleased for the DC that they had another person in their life that cares about them and enjoys spending time with them. Perish the thought. No hissy fits about respect either, despite them not waiting 4 years to move in together or 7 years to get married!

"being an adult"

"hissy fits"

Still at it I see 😂

Genuinely glad you get on fine with your ex's new girlfriend and have no issues with their (rapid?) relationship timeline or her level of involvement in your children's life, but perhaps you can understand that not all situations are exactly the same as yours and people feeling differently about a different situation to yours doesn't make them "step-mum haters" or having "hissy fits".

Op, I think you should respect their mothers' wishes re FB

Hissy fits about respect? Respect is respect, end of. I never once threw a 'hissy fit'... did I find it hard? Upsetting? Sure. Did I show that to anyone, especially my DC? Absolutely not.

Not everyone has the same view as you. You might not mind your children moving in with strangers, I'm strong, mature and adult enough to say that I did, I struggled a lot. And I'm respectful enough to say my DC SM made the whole process easier by being respectful and considerate of my feelings, as I was hers.

I agree, as a mother I would very much dislike anyone trying to appear as if they are replacing me, which I think you photo posting could be perceived as.

My take on all this is that whatever contact your partner and his ex have is between them, same for any financial arrangements.
It really is quite lovely that your partner continues to have regular conversation with his children’s mother , I mean why would you want that to stop at any age.
You are the newcomer in all these relationships and I can’t see why you would want to upset what they all have together.
You can end your relationship with him if your not happy with how he conducts himself with his ex.

You might not mind your children moving in with strangers, I'm strong, mature and adult enough to say that I did

I mean, there is a whole spectrum in between a 'stranger' and dad's girlfriend of 4 years moving in. There is nothing immature about me being ok with my ex husband moving in with his partner within a shorter timescale than 4 years and not considering her a stranger until this amount of time has passed.

Parents split up. Life goes on. My priority is that my DC are well regarded and treated well by all of the adults in their life and that they are happy. So long as that is the case, I have no issues.

Absolute strangers? As in the children have never met the new girlfriend before they move in with them? Or do you mean they do in fact know the girlfriend pretty well but it’s the ex projecting their insecurity and calling the gf a stranger as a way of taking a dig?

SMs are meddling bitches but your one actually seems pretty nice? I’m sure it’s tough but can I ask why your kids seem to live with your ex and his new partner rather than with you? Given what you said about him being so shit and all that.