Ex wife and boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break to Lanzarote whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

No she said they separated in 2021 and were doing that arrangement where the parents move in and out of the house and the kids stay there full time - nesting

Another one who sees red flags that the OP is perhaps not seeing at this point… large age gap, fast-forward relationship, messy divorce, rapid over-involvement with the kids.

Personally I wouldn’t be happy if my ex had a girlfriend of 18 months posting “happy family” profile pics of herself with my children like they were her own. As part of a larger album of holiday pics? I’d suck it up. As her profile pic? That’s a major over-step.

I would see my friends posting pics of my children completely differently - for a start, most of my friends have known my children since they were born or since they started school, ie many many years. Almost all the photos they might post of my kids would be of events where I was in attendance. They certainly wouldn’t have pictures of them as their profile pics. And I know my friends! They’re not mostly strangers to me posting pics of my children as though they are the new mum. Context is important and the OP doesn’t seem to grasp that.

For comparison, my boyfriend won’t meet my kids (who are a little younger than the teens the OP is talking about would have been when she met them) within the first year of us dating. After that, we’ll have a year of slowly getting to know each other before considering overnights. I find it a bit much that after six months of dating someone the OP was saving for an overseas holiday with him and his children (presumably she did not actually contribute towards the children’s costs, but only to her own, despite saying “We saved for a year to take them”).

The ex wife isn’t the only one with fuzzy boundaries here, and I find it telling that the OP’s reasoning for her accelerated relationship is to simply point to the ex and say, “Well, it’s not as bad as what she did!”

I would be careful about giving up your own chance of being a mum, for a man 19 years your senior with a difficult ex.

Come on, going on holiday with and posing in a picture with your partners teenage kids after 18 months is hardly over-involvement. I wouldn’t with the social media but if the kids are okay with it, they really are old enough to decide.

I think it is if you're putting it as a profile pic. 18 months of dating their dad - even if she met them the minute they started dating and even though they have rushed into living together - doesn't make them her kids. Personally I think it's disrespectful.

Disrespectful to the kids? Or to the mum? They are 15 and 17, their mum doesn’t own them and she can’t control this sort of thing anymore. If they want the OP to have the photo up, it’s their choice. At that age if my mum had gotten pissy about something like this because she felt threatened by me being close to another adult, I wouldn’t have been impressed.

It's the OP being disrespectful to the mum.

It's not about ownership, obviously the mother does not own her daughters. But the mother has spent 17 years of her life parenting her children, and I think for another woman to show up in their lives for a year or so and start posting profile pics (I said earlier I felt it would be fine in a larger album of holiday pics) of herself, the father and the girls like she's their new mother-figure is rude and over-steppy.

Build a relationship over time, sure, but it is basic respect to show some graciousness and consideration for the feelings of their actual mother.

ETA: I don't have a lot of warm feelings towards my ex but if my BF posted a profile pic of himself, myself and my kids 18 months into knowing me and them, I'd tell him to take a step back with that.

Why?

@CheekyHobson totally agree with you that if the picture was part of a collection of photos that would be fine, but making it your profile picture??? After 18months?

But for me, it's nothing to do with disrespecting the Mum, she's not covered herself in glory either.

If a BF of mine set his profile pic to one of me and my DC after only 18 months, I would tell him to remove it immediately, it would honestly make me feel so uncomfortable and look so desperate and meddling on his part, I'd look at him in a very negative light, particularly given the chaotic home life these children have. It's just wrong.

@sixtyten it's wrong because the OP's BF is probably screwing a woman who is closer to his daughters' age than his own 🤮

Agree that if a boyfriend started posting pics of himself like he was the new family man after such a short time it would seem desperate to "mark his territory" well before any genuine right to do so had been established.

After 2 years together I had me, my DH and his 3 kids as my profile pic. It was taken on our wedding day. Was I overstepping too?

Honestly, getting married within two years seems like a giant hurry when there are children involved.

So yeah, personally I would find it weird for a woman who had known my kids for 24 months to be posting a “family” picture with them.

Go for gold posting a pic with your husband. But unless their mother is minimally involved with them, yes, you were claiming territory you hadn’t earned yet.

Stepkid here. I’m really happy you’re developing a supportive relationship with SCs. It will payoff—my children see my stepmum as their “main” grandmother (they don’t call her Stepgranny—just Granny).

Personally, yes, I think that's insane. You don't know anyone well enough to be married at 2 years, especially when there are children involved. Very irresponsible imo and just putting adults wants ahead of children's needs.

But each to their own... I hope it continues to work out for you all.

Thankyou, exactly. I'd be so embarrassed to be his kids.. and I feel sorry for the ex wife having to feel traded in for a younger model and finding out who her ex really is.

His ex went off with the plumber. So she wasnt "traded in" at all. @Rsb1990 what are the ages of his ex and the plumber boyfriend

I know the step-parenting board on MN can give the impression that all step situation are bad. All step-parents hate their SKs etc. But that's not always the case and sometimes a step-parent can bring a lot of good to a family. I know I brought stability and routine to my DH and his kids at a time when DH was in survival mode and dealing with the aftermath of 12 years of abuse from his ex. I brought peace to DH and helped build him up again meaning he could be an even better dad than he already was. Our relationship has brought love into a family where the kids were more accustomed to tension and conflict. The older kids were happy to see their dad happy after watching what their mum put him through over the years. And they recognised that I was a big part in that. The kids were asking about us getting married before we'd even got engaged.

My DHs uncle popped round one day and was shocked to see my DSD who was 3 at the time cuddling me on the couch while DH was sat on the same couch. DH has always been her main carer and usually she couldn't see past him. The uncle said he'd never even seen her cuddle with her mum like that. So while DSD does have her mum in her life I don't believe she gets everything she needs from her.

I watched the kids for a week myself when my DHs brother died and he had to fly to another country to deal with that. Their mum still wanted her time off from parenting so asked if I would look after them. She wasn't working at the time so didn't need the kids watched for that reason. We'd been together 15 months at this point. So I was "just dad's gf" only when it suited.

I've known DH since school so while we were married after 2 years we'd known each other over 20.

There's usually trouble in a marriage in the run up to it ended. It rarely just comes out of the blue. Kids usually pick up on this. So while OPs boyfriend and his wife hadn't been split long, perhaps they had been unhappily married for quite some time before that. Maybe it was a relief for the girls to see their dad with someone who makes them happy. Maybe OP has brought a lot into their lives that their mother didn't or was just present as a supportive adult at a time where they really needed one. It seems the girls are happy so what's the problem?

Wrong in your opinion maybe. But what matters is how those concerned feel about it, and OP stated at the outset that she gets on great with his daughters. But hey, you go ahead and keep peddling your narrative about these 'poor' girls having to tolerate their dad 'screwing' OP. (Most people call it having a relationship, by the way.)

You seem incredibly blinkered on this issue, not to mention reading selectively.

Wow, so much putting words in OP's mouth on this thread. Not to mention the knee-jerk assumptions about how people must apparently be feeling. A bit of projection going on here, perchance?

This. Absolutely this.

Saying you’re turning off notifications suggests what you wanted from this thread OP was for most to condemn the ex and say how great you sound.

I agree with advice to block her as she shouldn’t be contacting you.

But where I do think you’ve been insensitive is that I agree with others that posting a photo of the 4 of you on SM is fine with the girls’ consent, but putting it as your profile photo is provocative. I suspect a few PPs missed that it is your FB profile photo, rather than just on your FB page. Profile photos can be seen by others, like the ex, even if your profile is private.

Why is he giving her so much money when he has the kids 50/50? He shouldn't be paying anything.

Don’t put pictures of underage kids that aren’t yours on social media. Especially as your profile picture, FFS. Even if they say it’s ok. All the other stuff about how evil the Ex is, doesn’t matter, and was just there to try and get you some sympathy.

Just don’t. So much of social media is designed to provoke envy, anyway - or create images of a perfect life. I honestly wouldn’t want some other woman using my kid as a prop to create a Christmas-Card “everyone look at my happy family and social circle!” image, either.

It’s just tacky!

I’m not an Ex or anything so have no personal axe to grind on this topic, I just think it’s poor social protocol and shows a disrespect of boundaries to use someone else’s kids this way. Even if Dad ok’d it, really. To be honest I even feel a bit cringe when I post the occasional picture of my own kid.