Ex wife and boundaries

[Rsb1990]

Hi all

Please be kind!

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last 18 months. He has two daughters aged 15 and 17. I have a fantastic relationship with them. He has the girls 50:50 custody and pays his ex wife £500 a month maintenance (this is all legally sorted).

the issue is, I find his ex wife has zero boundaries. She phoned him everyday about something, these are absolutely not emergencies or issues that she can’t deal with (she also has a new partner who she lives with!). She is also constantly asking him for more money, he said when they were married she was a terror with money. He sent a pointed message a few weeks ago that he cannot send her any more money outside of the maintenance. For example, the 15 year old needed a new bra. She spent £200, yes £200 on TWO new bras for a 15 year old and demanded he send her his 60%. He’s started to put his foot down thankfully because that’s just ridiculous.

this summer, we took the girls on holiday for a week to Portugal. We saved for a whole year to take them away. They had a lovely time. It was also great for me to bond with them even more! The eldest took a gorgeous picture of the four of us.

fast forward a few weeks and my partner and I have gone on a mini break to Lanzarote whilst his ex has taken the youngest to Cornwall (the eldest stayed at home). Whilst I’ve been away with partner, I received a really horrible message on our last night telling me to remove the picture the eldest took off of my Facebook profile. I would have understood if they were younger and if perhaps she perceived this as a safeguarding issue but she has photos of them on her social media (obviously that’s fine because she’s their mum!). She then sent my partner a rude message telling him “they are our children and your girlfriend has no right to put them as her profile picture”. I do not have this woman on FB so she has found me.

The irony was, I put the photo up so it didnt appear like I was just posting pictures of me and their Dad. I wanted them to feel included and part of the family (something the younger one commented on about Mum and her new partner and their lack of family photos!).

I find the timing of the message interesting and perhaps I am being paranoid but it seemed as though she waa trying to derail the holiday.

I am probably being silly but I am so upset by this. I genuinely have such a lovely bond with the girls and the odds are, I will never have my own children (he’s 19 years my senior). I’ve never ever interfered with any parenting or crossed any boundary. As far as I am concerned, love for me is not unconditional so I need to ensure that.

What are your thoughts?

When do you become family then? If someone thinks of someone else as family, then they are family, even if a bunch of randoms on the internet don’t agree.

It's very new relationship you've moved fast and moved in. You say your 19years younger are you closer to his daughters ages. I also agree your trying to blend with two teenagers you don't really know that well. How many relationships has he had after his divorce?

How old are you and your boyfriend?

There are big emotions here. It’s absolutely fine your you to set boundaries for your communication with the ex - but it’s probably a mistake to try and dictate your boyfriends communication.

the mum does sound high maintenance and infuriating. But there will be some genuine stuff they need to speak about - particularly for the 15 year old - exam dates, homework’s, subject choices, dentist appointments, rules around boyfriends, nights outs, university applications, health etc etc. it’s not a daily phone call but that’s for your ex to manage.

if you are worried he is still in love with her then rethink your relationship. If you just get annoyed by her contacting him suck it up.

buy you can stop to direct contact between you and her very easily.

These are not little children so comments how long the OP has been with her partner and when she moved in are irrelevant and absurd.

Precisely. She can move her relationship at whatever pace she wants. And the girls like her which I know some mumsnetters don’t like to hear because they are projecting their own fears or experiences onto this.

My ex and I split up about 15 years ago and two DSs are in their mid 20s.
The ex has had a long time partner (he met her years after we'd split up) that the DSs don't particularly like but they are adult enough to continue a relationship with their dad despite her.

Recently, one DS and I went to the funeral of one of the ex's relatives that I knew and liked. At the wake, the ex's partner was talking about DS and all his likes and dislikes and presonality traits, and it just felt really odd to me. Like she was trying to claim she knew him better than me.

So, I can kind of understand that the ex in the OP's case could feel a bit like the OP is trying to move in on her turf, but she is expressing it in a bit of a batshit way.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 what’s an acceptable amount of time for you?

I think it's great you like to spend time with your boyfriend's kids and that you all get on. But you need to stay out of the arrangements (money and contact) with the girls' mum. Of course they will need to talk and make decisions about their children who they are still jointly responsible for. And it is easier in the long run if everyone tries to get on. Also, I'd lay off the posting pics of them on social media.

So???

I completely understand her having certain feelings about the situation but she needs to learn to manage them herself and not lash out at OP or her ex.

When there's children involved, no matter the age, I think 18 months is too soon. They've obviously been living together for longer than this as well so it was even sooner. I would probably say about 3 years or so to really know the person you are moving into your children's home.

I have teenage DC and I wouldn't dream of moving someone in this quickly. I've had relationships of 3 years, 4 years and currently 2.5years and I wouldn't even entertain the idea, there's too much that can go wrong, particularly with someone who is probably closer in age to the children than the parent.

My DC will be gone from home soon enough, so for me in my own personal circumstances, I will wait until DC leave home. However, I completely understand that's not for everyone.

And saving for a 'family' holiday after 6 months together is just 🤯 Sounds all too much too soon.

My niece believes I'm the tooth fairy and that's my job that I do at night. It isn't. She also thinks that her cousin is her sister. She isn't.

If you and her dad had broken up after the 12 months, you would be quickly forgotten about by her and no longer "family". If you and dad were together for 10 years before breaking up, and actually family, you would always be a part of her family in some way shape or form, an important part of her childhood, even if she didn't see you anymore.

fuck me, you dislike your partners kids for very valid reasons your stoned on here. You like your partners kids want to encourage a happy set up still stoned 😂

@Rsb1990 tell your partner the communication between him and his ex for you is too much can it be stopped as they are old enough to communicate directly. He will either say yes or no. As for the fb pic you did nothing wrong. Kids were fine with it and that’s all that matters. Before blocking I’d send a message to say I’m sorry this picture has upset you as much as it has, I checked with the kids first and they were ok with it so respectfully you not being ok with it isn’t my problem. I will be blocking you as I don’t appreciate you stalking my socials and I do not have to take the nonsense you have texted. Thank you, goodbye

Here’s further context for you then. Ex wife ran off with the plumber who did their extension. My partner and her were “nesting” whilst the house was being sold. It took almost a year. The plumber was living in the house. She moved him in after a month into the FAMILY home. I, personally, never went into the home out of respect for her because I felt it was her house too. We found out her new boyfriend was living in that house about two weeks before my partner completed on his. So, before you judge me… consider above,

Thank you so much xx

The age gap alone is 🤢

@Rsb1990 god, the further context just makes it worse, those poor girls. That's even more reason for her dad to live on his own with them for a much longer period of time and provide a stable home where they are his sole focus and priority.

I don't know why you think the 'further context' makes the situation any better? Mother runs off with the plumber, and father moves a woman 20years his junior into their other house. What an awful few years those girls have had.

Yup. So I’m guessing me moving out isn’t going to be the solution is it when they’re happy?

I wouldn’t text her anything, don’t engage. She sounds pretty awful.

Yeah you can’t win on here. There seem to be unwritten rules that include:

• you must be together a minimum of 3 years before considering moving in
• although moving in is a bad thing, even if you have been together for ages
• it’s apparently normal for you to never meet your DP’s kids, at least not till they are 18
• you will always mean “nothing” to your step kids and are just some random sex partner of their father’s
• but you’re a bitch if you don’t treat them like your own kids
• the mum is always right, no matter how unreasonable
• your DP is always a shit dad, even if he has them 50/50 or more
• your DP is trying to impose his sex life on his kids by having a partner
• blended families are always bad and it’s impossible for you to add anything of value to your stepchildren’s lives
• you will never be part of their family

Thankfully in real life we all know that this is total rubbish and bears no resemblance to reality. Your stepkids sound like they love you and I’m pleased you have a close relationship with them. They are lucky to have a bonus adult in their life.

@Rsb1990 if it were me, in either your shoes, or their father's, I'd never have moved in in the first place.

How long exactly have you been living there?

Christ I’ve started a fire here. I’m going to turn off notifications now. Thank you to the learned people for your advice.

Judgemental comments about my life situation, age and relationship are by the by, so ignored (in line with lots of advice given on here 😂)

You’re the rebound relationship, all far too fast, both parents have introduced and moved partners in way too soon.

I don’t know whose idea it was to start saving for a “family holiday” when you’d only been with this guy for 6 months but it seems like neither parent has the kids best interests at heart.

They’ve barely had time to get used to the idea their parents are separating when in you walk desperate to be second mum and “include them in the family”. It’s not your family.

Don’t get too fond of them, this isn’t going to last.

OP literally asked for advice about dealing with the ex. There’s no suggestion that the kids are unhappy or that she struggles in her relationship with them. Why are you weighing in with your opinion about her relationship and whether you think it will last? She said he got divorced in 2021 so three years ago. If she’s been with him for 18 months that’s hardly a rebound relationship. Or do people have to be single for many years before it’s acceptable for them to date again?

She got together with him while he was still living with his wife in the process of separating.