AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

I really feel for you OP, your trying to be kind covering childcare for his ex.
Of course your child will come first, that's natural and normal. If you agreed to the childcare to help and the ex in my opinion is being awful, pull back. Let your DH and ex sort out the arrangements.

I can understand her upset initially but the messages she's sent you this morning are vile. I would stop contact with her because this is going to get very ugly. Let DH handle all arrangements from now on and take a considerable step back. Hope DS is doing well now.

So she had to miss work, but your DH still went off to work? Yes I'd be pissed off if I was her too!! She shouldn't have messaged you though. I'd let all contact go through your DH and her now. Stay out of it. But your DH could have avoided this. He's mad it clear he thinks his life/ job is more important than hers.

Yes the step mother does not have to parent or care for this child - it’s all on the mother AND the father. This child has two parents.

Most parents share the burden of summer holidays. They work together to arrange cover and make sure their child is cared for.

Here we have a dad who seems unwilling to change his life or acknowledge additional childcare is needed in school holidays.

he has hit the jackpot with wife number two. She has been a good wifey and taken a job which involves minimal disruption to his life and means he can pretend he doesn’t have his second child. Childcare is not something he even thinks about because his wife manages all that for him.

but he has two children and his oldest child’s mother still works in summer. So he needs to step up and be more flexible. He needs to stop being such an absent 1950s man, roll up his sleeves and contribute.

this child is bound to pick up on all this stress and tension - and will simply remember it as him being an inconvenience at his dad’s place. Most of his limited time there seems to be with his step mum and he is clearly not equal to his half sibling.

My dh's ex sent us similar messages when i went into labour prematurely and my baby almost died.

She was upset because she couldn't go on her planned night out because dh was alternating between my bedside and that of our baby in intensive care the day after she was born.

However my dh didn't just swan off to work - your dh could and should have taken parental leave to look after dss. That's what it's for. Was that even discussed?

Does that mean the father of the child (and I use that term loosely) would've had his son over to his house even less than the meagre amount he already does if the mum hadn't asked for those days I wonder?

Sadly in none of your updates do you acknowledge the leading role your DH played in this because you are determined to blame the situation on the Ex.
If you want to get back on track then she does need to apologise for her behaviour towards you. But your DH owes you both an apology and a willingness to change his attitude in expecting the women to pick up his responsibilities. Until you realise that then situations like this will keep happening which is not good for anybody.

And importantly, despite what some posters are saying. Looking after your DSS during your DH’s contact time is only a favour to your DH. Quite ridiculous to suggest that it’s a favour to the Ex when it is his DAD’s contact time. I wish women would set the bar higher and make these dad’s accountable for actual parenting. This attitude is the very reason two women are fighting whilst the dad swans off to his big job without a care!

Seriously, man sits at desk enjoying his none interrupted work time whilst two women sit and squabble with each other about who is responsible for HIS contact time. Blows my mind!

@BetterWithPockets

Am actually really annoyed with all the PP using this as a chance to berate your DH about the contact arrangements, OP. ESPECIALLY as you’ve said it was the mum’s choice.

She hasn’t said that. She has said that the mum didn’t want no weekend time with her son. That is entirely reasonable for the mum, otherwise she just gets school runs and spelling homework.

They are half an hour drive away, some mid week contact would be perfectly doable and OP has not said anything about that.

She is being unreasonable to take it out on you.
i do think your partner needs to step up though, why doesn't he take leave during school holidays? Like every other parent does.

I would not have married a man who had so little contact with his own child. Two weekends a month.

You shouldn’t be the one ‘stepping up’. He should.

His ex wife needs to take it up with him. She, like you, married someone who is a poor father. It’s shit but there it is.

And importantly, despite what some posters are saying. Looking after your DSS during your DH’s contact time is only a favour to your DH.

Well yes because although Op & Ex seem to have agreed this between themselves, surely the point is that his dad doesn't actually have to share the care with his ex?

I mean if ex needs help on those days & Op wasn't in the mix-what would happen?

Looking after your DSS during your DH’s contact time is only a favour to your DH. Quite ridiculous to suggest that it’s a favour to the Ex when it is his DAD’s contact time.

This. x1000. 👏

So your DH managed to go to work Monday and Tuesday but the mum had to unexpectedly arrange childcare for those 2 days? Can ye not see that he should have been the one to miss work to care for his child as the arrangement is that DSS is in your home those days?
The mum was rude but the problem her is DH who has his wife and ex wife running their lives to care for his child and he just continues as normal, doesn't even have to think about his son, one if the women will sort it.
And yes, seeing as he let her down last week the least he - not you- can do is take the child the extra days this week

I would have thought that as it was DH contact days he should of taken time off to look after his DS . But he chose to put the problem onto the EX . I'm not condoning her behaviour her messages are out of order but ultimately he has put his work above that of his EX .
She's the one who has dropped everything while his life goes on as normal.

She’s not said that because IT’S NOT THE POINT OF HER THREAD…

Who knows? But it’s NOT THE POINT OF THE OP’S THREAD. And, really? ‘I use the term [father] loosely’?

The ex is being very foolish to bite the hand that feeds her.
I would be making myself unavailable for the forseeable future until I got a proper, heartfelt and genuine apology for the way she spoke to you.
And then I might, MIGHT, reconsider.

Unless SS’s mother works weekends why can’t you do Wednesday evening to Saturday Evening during school holidays or Saturday evening -Tuesday evening

If you have no idea what to reply to her text, I would just direct her to get in touch with her exh and not you from now on and block her number

I would also find out who has been sharing images of your child and block them

It’s such a weird thing to do, zooming in on a child’s face from weeks ago and making the comment she did.
I would also be taking this reaction as a sign that even in emergencies that you cannot look after dss.
You had to change your plans and lost a days pay when you looked after dss when she had an emergency (her dm in hospital after a car crash) and the same is not reciprocated then all flexibility is off the table

I don’t think moving a 30 minute drive away is that huge a deal.

I would however be making the suggestion that your dh goes for 50/50 custody with weekends or every other weekend being split between your dh and his exw because I can see that the current arrangements are going to lead to resentment and drive a wedge between your dss and his df and half brother in the long term

Even if it means taking the custody arrangements back to court

I don’t understand why you’re getting a hard time @Gooodmorningusa , or your dh.

Every second weekend is normal contact up here in Scotland, so that doesn't seem weird to me!

Her messages to you are unacceptable. To be blunt, her childcare issues are not your problem. I’d block her and let her sort things out with your DH. Very foolish of her to be horrible to a woman on whom she relies for childcare

It wasn't DSSs official contact time with his dad, it was an arrangement between OP and the ex. So when OP couldn't do it, sending DSS back to his mum was the right thing to do
Lots of people seem to ignore this part. The mum wanted the arrangement to be EOW, she is getting maintenance money for the days her son is looked after by OP as it is not officially dad’s day. Of course she should have her son of OP is unavailable.

Exactly, the childcare issues are the father's problem so he needs to pay for half the childcare costs every summer on top of everything else he contributes. Then the mother can continue to work and he can continue seeing his child one a fortnight

So your DH managed to go to work Monday and Tuesday but the mum had to unexpectedly arrange childcare for those 2 days?

I don't think the OP wants to see it this way.

The sad part for so many children is how many women seem quite happy to reproduce with shit fathers.

So the problem was that Dad was meant to have him on the Monday and Tuesday.

Step mum didn't want to watch him because she was knackered - fair enough.

Dad couldn't take him because he was working.

Mum couldn't take him because she was working.

Why does Dad's big manly important man job take precedent over Mum's job?

If I were mum I'd have dropped him off at your house, turned my phone off and fucked off to work. It was your husband's problem to deal with, not hers.

Yes you had a shitter, but your husband really ought to have stepped up and taken a day off here.

Both of you are directing anger at the wrong person. Your DH should have been looking after his ds or arranging childcare as this was his arranged contact time(even if has outsourced it to you). Why was him going to work more important than his ex going to work?

Why does he have such little contact with his child? Four days a month is nothing, and I really feel sorry for the little boy stuck in the middle of this.

He should not have gone to work, because his child had no childcare and he was the parent in charge. The end.