AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

Well that doesn't suprise me, judging by the implication in your posts that all ex's are in the wrong.

What I’ve been trying to say.
The narrative that dads don’t want their kids is not always true. Lots of women benefit both financially and in other ways by only allowing some minimal contact officially and still collecting a decent bundle of CMS.

You need to have a step back and be objective
The mum is. Feeling let down as she works and had no other arrangements causing her issues at work

You were absolutely right to prioritise your ill child

From now on bow out a little. Arrangements though dad and mum not you until things cool a little

You can still have him the additional days if you want to. Its nice for your other child too but make it clear you are doing this voluntarily there is no requirement for you to do so. (Although be aware that your dh may have to up his financial contributions to support the additional childcare costs)

Give it a rest.... She still has free time fcol when DSS is being cared for by his dads partner.

This.

Well obviously that's terrible, but it doesn't take away from the fact that £400 a month, even for one child, is still a pittance.
Especially when one parent only sees the child EOW.

She had every right to be upset, however she should be aiming it at your DH. He should be seeing his DS more regardless how much he pays in CM. He also should have found childcare for His son, instead of making his ex miss work. You seem more involved then you DH, which is strange as he is the child's parent not you

Strange how when it's from.a Dad POV it's demands of he should be doing 50/50

But when a woman posts here sating the father wants 50/50 it's pages and pages pf suggestions how to not let it happen and how he's only doing it for the money.

Give what a rest? You implied that the mother was “palming off” her son when she sent him to spend (fairly minimal) time at his dad’s.

Fair point

No where have i said all ex's are in the wrong. That is hyperbole, you are exaggerating and trying to hijack this thread into a whatabout debate.
This thread is about spiteful texts to a poor step mum who has been sent very abusive texts. And, of course she is not unreasonable to be upset given the nature of the texts. it is not your thread. Start one of your own if you wish. Don't try to minimise abusive texts in the name of well, whatabout.....

Sounds like you have a DH problem. 400 is seriously not much and no doubt the bare minimum your DH is required to pay. Your DH needs to step up and communication should not include you if you get so stressed by it.

Your DH sounds absolutely useless. And selfish.

In terms of his ex I would tell her to stop contacting you and all contact should be with your DH from now on. Then block.

Sorry your DH is so rubbish, OP. 💐

Time to create some boundaries or seriously reconsider being with someone who dumps all his parenting responsibilities on you. Everyone involved deserves better.

OP I do understand why DSS mum was upset and frustrated but she sounds totally nasty and unhinged. This is not your child and not your responsibility. She's well and truly crossed the line insulting your own child and that would be game over for me. Also, your partner needs to learn how to actually step up and be a parent without a woman wiping his backside.

For both these reasons I would text dss mum and say 'I am not going to tolerate myself and my son being verbally abused for a child who I didn't choose to create. From now on all childcare arrangements need to be made and provided through dad' and then block her. I wouldn't be endorsing dad being a goodfornothing either though. You can't force him to step up but I'd be explaining that you will no longer be providing free childcare for his child and make it clear that it's his responsibility to not just pay for but maintain a relationship with his child. I would concentrate on making sure as best as you can that you're as self-sufficient as you can be as well OP because what's good for the goose is good for the gander...

There's a few drip feeds.

Your dh is the issue here. He cba to parent BOTH his children. He should have taken time off work or arranged alternative childcare. You dont get to 'just not think about' your own child.

There's nothing unreasonable about dss mum wanting weekend time with him either.

Struggling to understand, does your dh only have his son every other weekend? And his ex wife has to struggle to juggle work and care for their child all the rest of the time?
i think you’re being unfairly sucked into his problems but it sounds like he’s not being fair on the women in his life…

It always blows my mind that by paying the bare minimum and seeing their child the bare minimum (which EOW is!!) people think they are doing the ex a favour. Not that they are … parenting the offspring they created.

FWIW if someone told me I was seeing my child EOW I’d be taking them straight to court.

I think the reason she’s angry with you is because she probably knows she won’t get anywhere with her ex/your partner
Shes never been nasty to you before because you this has never come up before. Your son is getting bigger now and she’s probably worried about what will happen in the future.
You need to have a conversation with your husband about what happens on those days in the future if you’re not available and then come up with an arrangement and stick to it.
It would be nice if things were flexible and everyone got on well but sadly the ex has proved that’s not gonna be the case

This.

The issue here is the father and his entitlement.

Am actually really annoyed with all the PP using this as a chance to berate your DH about the contact arrangements, OP. ESPECIALLY as you’ve said it was the mum’s choice. You clearly love your DSS and I’m sure you and your DH make him feel secure and wanted while he’s with you. But your post isn’t about that and his mum is completely out of order for having a go at you. The fact she’s STILL harassing you about it is mind boggling to me — even more so given you said you’d stepped in once to look after your DSS when her mum had an accident.
Can you block her? I really don’t think I’d want any contact with her going forward.

what an absolute bitch

block and NEVER let her have the power/ privilege of contacting you directly again. That is your only recourse @Gooodmorningusa

The DSS is 8. OP has been looking after him since he was 2.5

I think you've been very kind having your stepson on extra days in the holidays so that his Mum can work.

Although of course that also allows his Dad to work on those days, so it's not entirely for her benefit.

Things have got very heated & I agree with pps that you need to now step back & let your husband sort things out.

SM might feel that you "owe" her a Mon & Tue but even if so it has to be when you can do it!

Even if you have him for a weekend to "make up for the one he missed", why would she think that you also have the Mon & Tues free?

Obviously you haven't read my post properly. It wasn't directed at you quite clearly. If you actually read it, I was writing that to Vintago.
So get off your high horse.

Also, it's not up to you as to what thread I decide to post on, honestly, I don't know who you think you are. As for what this thread is about, the OP didn't mention the nasty texts initially, and if you read my posts properly you will see that I agreed that the ex was out of order for doing that.
Bit of advice, read people's posts properly before you spout your nastiness when you get the wrong end of the stick.