AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

Firstly, I'm glad your son is better. Secondly, your dh is not being a good father, he needs to step up and be there for both his children. It sounds like you and his ex wife do everything for his children and he gets to swan around doing his own thing. I think both you and ex wife need to have a word with him about setting a better example to both his children.

Sorry that your DS has been so poorly. It’s really unfair of your DSSs mum to direct her anger at you - it should be directed towards your DH. Sorry to say but your DH is doing such a minimal amount of parenting for his DS. It’s interesting that you say you’re helping out just her by caring for your DSS for additional days during the holidays. Surely your DH should be having his child for half of the holidays, in which case I’d say you are helping him also. In future I would suggest letting him communicate with her so that she can direct her (rightful) anger at his lack of parenting towards him.

I think it's totally fine. The only reason the ex is able to work those days is because OP offered/agreed with her to do her the favour of having DSS extra. It wasn't DSSs official contact time with his dad, it was an arrangement between OP and the ex. So when OP couldn't do it, sending DSS back to his mum was the right thing to do.

This might fly if the father was doing anything close to 50/50 but it’s not apparent that he has care of his son in a single weekday under regular circumstances. So it would be more accurate to say his ex enables him to work 1/2 weeks all through the term. If I were the ex, I’d be pushing him to make this contact time official.

I feel sorry for the DSS in all this. If he only sees his dad every other weekend, I'm sure he is already feeling like he is lower if the pecking order. I agree that the ex's upset should be directed towards DH and not OP.

None of that is the OPs fault though. She's his wife not his boss. What he does or doesn't do is nothing to do with OP. If the ex has a problem with the amount of childcare or money he provides she should take it up with him. The OP did the ex a favour for years which OP didn't have to do and the ex has thrown it back in OPs face, just because she was put out the one time OP had to cancel her favour at short notice for very good reason. That's not on IMO.

I’m sorry about your son - hope he gets better. Of course the ex sounds a bit mean considering your son was so ill - but I must admit I am thinking….four days EOW is eight days out of twenty eight in a month - so during term time his dad takes responsibility for him for eight days while his mum takes responsibility for him for 20 days.

Over 12 weeks during summer this switches to his dad having him for 48 days and his mum 36 days - it doesn’t sound like his dad is having him more than his mum overall?

I know in theory you are looking after him for some of that time - but that’s your family’s children because your partner could in theory do what the mum is doing and work less to accommodate his childcare.

Given this kids are 2.5 years and 2 years old - this arrangement is fairly new plus I am guessing your partner cheated on either her with you or you with her - so considering things have been working well up until now I would cut her some slack.

Did a for years? The kids are 2.5 and 2 years old…?

The dss is 8, not 2.5. She's been in his life since he was 2.5 (so no pg overlaps)

Considering the kids are 2.5 and 2 - your partner presumably cheated on his ex with you or they broke up when she was pregnant and he got together with you quite quickly, or he had a one night stand with her so had a limited relationship - I think considering these options you are all doing very well working together up to this point.

I think to be fair to you - you have realised that while it did seem to you that you were doing her a favour - it’s actually your partner you have been giving the favour too.

You seem like a very kind and sensible person - I hope when you catch up on sleep and your son is better you can all get back on track.

I think as others have said you have been picking up the slack from your partner with with him parenting his child - she has been misplaced at directing her anger to you - you both need to be directing frustrations at him to sort out as it’s his responsibility.

Yes sorry not sure how I mixed that up?

When you got home from the hospital and your DH went to work at 7am, he didn’t think for a moment about where his older DS was or who was going to mind him given exW was going to work. He didn’t think at all because in his life, there are THREE women who enable his lack of thinking - his mum, you and exW.

exW is lashing out at you but really it’s at him. I don’t blame her given he never even thought about their son.

No now you are just trying to make the OP the baddie … DSS is 8 has been in the OP’s life since he was 2.5

four days EOW is eight days out of twenty eight in a month - so during term time his dad takes responsibility for him for eight days while his mum takes responsibility for him for 20 days

Over 12 weeks during summer this switches to his dad having him for 48 days and his mum 36 days - it doesn’t sound like his dad is having him more than his mum overall?

I think you may have this wrong @Oopstoo

My read is that during term time dad and OP have DSS every other weekend, which is usually Friday evening to Sunday evening, so two nights a fortnight. So in a month they typically have him 4 nights out of 28 and mum has him 24 out of 28.

In the holidays they continue to have him every other weekend, but extend to having him for the Sunday and Monday night as well. So dad and OP are having him 4 nights a fortnight, or 24 nights over 12 holiday weeks, and mum has him 120 nights over 12 holiday weeks.

And when the mum objects to having to drop shifts as dad decides he can’t take a day off to cover a bit of the absolutely paltry amount of care he is providing, the OP describes this as “audacious” and “taking the absolute piss”.

The problem is your DH not acting like his son is HIS son.

The hospital visit was terrifying and exhausting, no doubt, however, if DSS was actually your joint DS, your DH would have had to actually step up as a parent and either take time off work to stay home and do some parenting, or arrange childcare for the elder child if you were too (understandably) exhausted & focused on the younger one to care for him.

But your DH's attitude is "DSS isn't MY problem, I'll just shove him back to his mother."

How shitty for his son to only see his dad four days out of the month. Even shittier that when there's a distressing situation, Dad pushes his son away even further and doesn't jump at the chance to make up the time (so presumably he's seeing his son just 2 days this month 🙄).

However much he is paying in CMS doesn't let him off the hook for being a shitty, barely-there father and leaving his ex to be the default parent both when she's expecting to be and not expecting to be.

In this situation I feel very sorry for your poorly DS and extremely sorry for second-class DSS who his dad just can't be arsed with.

If only the dad was such a deadbeat none of this would have happened. OP is just an unpaid babysitter who had a family emergency which left her unable to babysit when she said she would. OP doesn’t deserve those things being said about her, the ex is just taking out her frustration on the wrong person. The deadbeat dad gets away with his shitty behaviour once again.

OP, I'm another one saying that the only part the ex-wife is being unreasonable about here is that she's contacting you about this. It's completely understandable she's upset and your DH just swanning off to work the next day without giving who will be looking after his DS a thought is pretty poor behaviour on his part. This was your DH's contact time. If the ex-wife has lost money then he should be working on how he will make it up to her. He also owes her an apology. I agree that this is deadbeat dad territory.

His attitude is concerning. Was this a one-off or does he generally not see childcare as something that is his responsibility as well as yours (for your DS) or ex-wife and yours (for DSS)?

I think you need to have a conversation with her, and just explain what happened and that you understand where she's coming from, it's a shame that this incident ( very frightening, tiring and upsetting) might spoil all your futures, she probably regrets her actions, I would try to clear the air and get back to your normal. You sound like a lovely SM and the ex is lucky to have you in her little boys life.

You say neither of you thought about anything but your DS, but that's not true. Or else your DH would have missed work on the Monday to make sure DS was okay.

You sound like a fantastic and lovely step-mum, but your DH sounds like a lazy parent who doesn't take much responsibility for his eldest son. Why does he only have him EOW normally?

And why is his job more important than his ex-wife's that it was okay for her to have to miss work while he didn't, because of a situation that had nothing to do with her? I'd be fuming too if I were her (though not at you, at him).

Yes your dh should have had his son the Monday/Tuesday as you would have had to if he was your child. His ex should not lose income and get dumped on at last minute. (It would have been more understandable if the hospital had happened on the Monday. ) You saying no to the following week is reasonable as you had plans and ex was wrong to assume as it's not your days. She was wrong to be so rude but it's tough being the default parent.

Your dh should apologise and offer (himself) to do a different two days to make up for it or pay extra this month to allow for it. She should apologise for being rude to you and putting the childcare issue on you (not dh)

It was just a horrible weekend and we didn’t think about anything other than our 2yo and I can see why it’s pissed her off

Your H doesn’t get the luxury of not thinking about anything other than your 2 year old, he has TWO CHILDREN.

maybe you should change the arrangement - typically it is eow and then half the school holidays. That’s what we did. Then each parent is responsible for proving care for half the holidays and it’s not on 1 parent.

Your DH is the problem! On 2 counts

1 for allowing her to speak to like that and upsetting you after horrible and scary incident with your son.

My husband ex wife has never spoken to me in any manner like this over 10 years we’ve been together because my husband protects me from issues with his ex!

2, for not help to care for his son or organise child care on the Monday or Tuesday. That’s poor on him… he should have asked his mother in that circumstance before heading to work at 7am!

I agree this is not your fault, he is not your DS.

This is your DHs fault though, the agreement is that it is your DHs time with him until Tuesday during school holidays. Your DH should have taken the Monday and Tuesday off work to look after him, not sent him back to his mum early so that she had to miss work.

I can see why she is angry. Especially since he has him so little anyway. She should be angry with your DH though.

I think you were reasonable in the situation with the hospital but I think there sounds like resentment generally.
From the start of the post I thought you had him the majority of the holidays as you were off work. Like full weeks or at least a few days each week. I was then a bit surprised you still only have him EOW for an extra two days.
You personally don't have to do more childcare over summer but it does sound like you feel your doing a big favour when I would say your doing a token with the bulk still on the mum to sort out.

The problem is not the ex-wife here. She may have handled it badly but she’s not wrong - your husband is a deadbeat dad and needs to pull his weight. He has the gall to expect her to miss work and cover the rare few days she isn’t the primary parent to suit the two of you. Firstly, he needs to reimburse her for her missed shift. Secondly, he needs to start actually being a parent to both his children.