AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

Also, that time he was working away and her mum was ill? He should have come back.

My children I have with my ex go to him for half of all the holidays and he and his partner arrange their annual leave to suit this. Why isn't your husband doing this? An extra two days every two weeks is not alot is it, and it's not even him doing it it's you !

You’re labouring under the assumption that all women want to go out and work full time in high powered jobs. Many don’t. Some want to be SAHM, some want to work part-time low demand jobs and spend more time with the DC. In those cases their husband’s jobs pick up up the financial slack so the mums do pick up more childcare naturally. I don’t see how that makes those men shit fathers.

I know exactly what the point of the thread is, thanks anyway.
But, there's all different points to be addressed as to the OP's question if she's right to be livid. As the OP posts more, then obviously different things will be spoken about, so your point is irrelevant to me.

As for me using the word 'loosely' for the father , that's my opinion, nothing wrong with that, and I use that term because he's obviously not a hands on father if he cant be bothered to see his child very often, dumps his child in favour of his work and pays £100.00 a week in maintenance, that's not even £15.00 a day!

Oh, and we don't even know if that's paid by calendar month, so it'd be even less if so.

But *Gooodmorningusa *had to miss work when SS’s mum had an emergency

I do agree in normal circumstances that the dh should have missed work on the Monday and Tuesday but given the illness ds had I think it was only natural to want to keep ds and dss apart as that is in everyone’s interest, especially dss’s mum otherwise missing 1 days pay could have turned into losing 2 weeks pay if dss had contracted chicken pox from his half brother.

Understand that she was upset but she needs to think of the bigger picture before going off the deep end at you who was actually helping her out. I don’t think the Dh is in any position to do what Gooodmorningusa
was doing and now she will find herself with no childcare if she wants any flexibility to the arrangements or there is an emergency on her end

None of this would have happened if the Prince amongst men who is a “great dad” seeing his 8yo 4 days a month saw himself as the default childcarer rather than the 3 women he thinks should do it for him. Of course women are pissed off about having to miss work when the other parent is supposed to be looking after the child. You will be pissed off when he does it to you. What sort of parent rolls out of bed and trots off to work without organising childcare? Not the female sort.

Exactly. These are not the DH’s contact days. If the CMS is officially done he’s paying the mum to have the child on those days. Presumably she’s not sending the child with the money to cover days out, ice cream, food in the holidays. Essentially the second family is paying twice to cover the child ffs.

How has this turned into how a man leading a perfectly normal life is a terrible father and husband?

This is not the issue here. The ex wife is behaving badly

Absolute bollocks OP. When DSS’ Mum has been unwell DSS comes to us. His Mum isn’t known for being a reasonable person but to her credit when I have been in hospital or there’s been a family emergency she has taken DSS during “DH’s time”.

Your son was in hospital, everything else comes second and everyone else can make their own arrangements in your absence.

Your poor son and poor you. You did nothing wrong. Your DH needs to speak to her, no need for you to. She needs to have a Plan B for when you cannot manage to have her child which is bound to happen again. What would she do, for example, if her son was contagious and could not come to you. She is being a cow and very unreasonable

Don't you think it's actually the FATHER who needs to have a 'plan B' when OP can't look after her dss? As in HE should take time off work for example?
Some posters appear to be forgetting that this child has two parents and not just one.

I think your dh needs to actually step up and have his child more 2 weekends a month with you doing most of the care is not acceptable.

As in HE should take time off work for example?
Some posters appear to be forgetting that this child has two parents and not just one

Or DH is working and not taken holiday or unpaid leave to look after his eldest - whilst the mother wishes to be paid CMS probably over the odds, and work extra shifts ‘cash in hand’

OP is allowing DSSMother to fraudulently claim benefits and earn extra cash.

So DSS mother had to cancel a day out? Was DSS included in that? Unlikely? Does OP ever get a child free day? Nope.

This woman is swinging the led and you’re letting her.

Shes pissed off she didn’t get her extra cash this week and have a long child free weekend.

Id be changing the arrangements.

I had a very similar experience with my DSS's mum. Mine and DP's son was born 10 weeks early, was extremely unwell, had to be resuscitated intubated and put on a ventilator. She kicked off that we didn't have DSS as usual that weekend and said we were already choosing our (critically ill, on life support) son over DSS. I was too distracted at the time to deal with it and left it with DP but I've never forgotten it. Still makes me so angry at the lack of empathy. DS pulled through thankfully

The @Gooodmorningusa doesn’t do most of the care in normal contact. Out of the goodness of her heart she watches the child for these days in the school holidays.

This

I'm sorry your son was unwell but why does your DH do so little parenting of his older child?

Why is it only EOW? Why does his ex have to do his parenting for him?

It's a bit rich for her behaviour to be considered outrageous when your DH is the crappy one.

Your dh got to go to work and make money while ex had to ring in and cancel her shifts.

tbh I’d be cross as well. Dh should have been to one to let his work down.

I can assure you £400.00 a month is definitely not over the odds!

Sorry, are you suggesting that DH should have left OP to cope at the hospital alone while their child was so ill ?

OK. This has got really out of hand. DSS isn’t your responsibility.

Block DSS mum. Tell DH all communications and arrangements are to be made between him and his ex. You will help him out as and when you choose.

You’re kidding right? What about the DAD! Why doesn’t he have a back up plan for when his plans don’t work or have to change.

This is so detrimental to the ex’s ability to hold down a job.

The problem here is that the DH didn't have a 'plan b'. Calling the mum names because he fucked up is just embarrassing.

I was responding to you, not to her. But thanks for the shouty caps.

I think there is wrong on all sides.

you typically look after dss on those two days, if you genuinely couldn’t look after him then DH should have taken the time off work, but did you even suggest it?

intwrestingly there is currently a thread in aibu where a step father is being slated for not offering to leave work early to drive his step child to some poxy dance club. If you marry someone with children then there is responsibility towards the children on all sides.

the ex is also completely out of order in her response, and why are your friends slagging you off to her and sending her pictures of your DS?

Why did your DH leave his ex and son? Were you the OW OP?