AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

I agree with others, she should be directing any issues via her ex husband. EOW is pretty poor though as his standard of parenting. I'd be more concerned about that as it tells you a lot about how he prioritises being a father. Not very high on his list.

OP, you sound like a wonderful mother and step mother. Your step son is so lucky to have you in his life. Your husband's ex sounds vile.
When your step son is an adult, he will have so many happy memories of you and the part you played in raising him. Pat yourself on the back and be proud.
You have had a terrifying time with your little one. I hope he recovers soon. Your husband and your sons are very fortunate to have you looking after them and making the wheels turn on family life.

Exactly this! He just heads off to work at 7am, leaving the women around him to find a solution for him. Doesn’t even appear to have tried to find other family / friends to care for his DS as was previously agreed.

The fact that he just expected her to cancel her work at short notices, so that he could continue to his as planned, gives a real sense of “my work is more important” and that anything above EOW as a massive favour to his ex.

If anything I’d say that her work is job is more important, given that she’s a single parent household and she clearly has much fewer days without her DS where she can work. I’d guess she earns less than him and was probably really relying on the extra money from the shifts.

Op, you sound absolutely lovely and like you're doing your absolute best for everyone.

But once again as far as I can remember every single time on these boards, the ex is the one labelled horrible or whatever, when actually it is the father. I have absolutely no respect for a parent who cares for their child EOW and thus leaves basically all the parenting to the other parent. None. I wouldn't touch one with a barge pole.

You said upthread op one thing like 'he couldn't have his son because he had to go to work 7am' SO DID SHE!! And yet it wasn't an option for her, because his father dumped his kid back to her on his day. I am not surprised she is upset.

Once again we have here women blaming other women, whilst the bloke who caused it all whistles off in to the sunset.

Another jumping in to point out your DH is the problem! Just because he apparently pays for 1/2 of the childcare for term time (if true!) who arranges all that and does pick up drop off, these clubs are never long enough to allow for a full work day either.

Those two days are your households set days through out the holidays and he should not have been sent back. You were shocked when she said he could come the next week as you had plans > which is hilarious…as so did she!

None of this is up to you to sort out at all, does you DH take leave for the holidays to help out for any extended period of time? Or does he have the luxury of saving his leave for as and when it suits him I wonder?

I’m not surprised she’s angry, I would be angry if my childs other parent was either palming them off onto their grandparents or partner, rather than raising them themselves. If I then found out they hadn’t even thought about their welfare or where they even were I would be questioning their ability to even parent at all.

She shouldn’t be messaging you, however I assume she does because he chooses to ignore her rather than engaging and making sure contact with his son is appropriately arranged.

The fact that several people have asked why he didn’t take monday and tuesday off to look after his son hasn’t been answered once suggests he thinks his son isn’t his responsibility and you’re well aware of that.

Paying for uniform, CM and a few holiday clubs here and there isn’t a great deal when ‘he’ only has his son every other weekend.

I would let the dust settle and then when things have calmed down, arrange to meet up with her (with your DH obvs) and do a debrief with a focus on what went wrong, how could things have been done better/differently and how to move forward.

Ultimately you all have to work together to raise DCs so all the usual MN stepparent advice of grey rock, blocking, refusing favours blah blah is unlikely to have any effect other than hurting a small child.

If she's normally ok, then it's strange how she's kicked off like that. I'd be interested to hear her version of events.

It was just a horrible weekend and we didn’t think about anything other than our 2yo and I can see why it’s pissed her off

But your DH has 2 children. He should be thinking about both of them. It sounds like neither of you see him as fully part of the family.

And if you needed childcare your SS on your time then really it is up to your DH to facilitate this, his mum shouldn't have to take time off work.

Your DH only sees his son weekends? That’s pretty piss poor, he should be having him 3 weeks in the summer at a minimum. No wonder his ExW is furious, he’s opted out of parenting and even has you doing it for him ffs.

But saying that - you’re not the unreasonable one here at all. ExW and your DH are both shitty and I’m angry on your behalf, the way you’ve been treated through this is shitty. You shouldn’t be doing any childcare for either of them, I really hope your DS is ok. If it’s any consolation my (then) baby had it really severely, once he was discharged he was on the mend within the week though. It’s a terrifying time so remember to take it easy on yourself

Edited because I realise this might have come across confrontational towards you so just wanted to add that it’s definitely not you in the wrong here. I’m worried you’ll be left on your own with your DS too if god forbid anything should happen between you and your DH because he does not sound like the kind of partner that sees childcare as his responsibility. He’s got a very sweet setup and it’s unfair on both you and his ExW.

Thanks for all your replies. Ive woke up to a very nasty text off her and I feel sick.

My last text to her was that I can’t have DSS tomorrow & Tuesday and that I will see him next weekend and he can stay till
Tuesday. She replied calling me selfish and I didn’t reply back again as I just didnt know what to say back at this point.

so I woke up not long ago to another text about how our toddler being ill isn’t her problem, how I’ve over exaggerated him being poorly to get out of looking after DSS and Then she has proceeded to send me a zoomed in screenshot of my DS face.. a pic I put on Facebook at the caravan about 3 weeks ago, and she said that he always looks ill so why’s was it a problem last weekend. I’ve immediately deactivated my Facebook as I don’t have her on there so a mutual friend must have shown it her? I’ve got no words for her at the moment and don’t know what to say I just feel devastated a 30 odd year old woman is zooming in on a picture of my lovely 2 year old and being cruel. DH is going to deal with it later as he is dropping DS off but I don’t want to see or speak to her again until I can pull myself together because I feel like slapping her

Just block her on everything and get your DH to say you will no longer be contactable.

Wow that’s an update and a disgusting update from her… block her now DH can deal with her… remove anyone on fbook who may have sent her that message…

Shes angry but is cutting off her nose to spite her face

Your husband should be dealing with this.

That’s the last favours you do for her! Your DH should have sorted alternatives for his son last week - it was his responsibility as the parent. You should not! You were already doing them both (DH and ex) a huge favour. If that’s her response then I’d want nothing more to do with her. DSS can come when his dad can look after him - after all if she really thinks that’s how you feel about her son she wouldn’t want you looking after him anyway!

She is out of order for sure and you do am awful lot for your DSS but I'm confused if it was the Monday and Tuesday that was different in that he's usually at yours and his dad's, why didn't your DH take leave from work while you had your poorly DS (glad he's on the mend) and he could have supervised DSS? Why did DSS mum need to take the time off work?

She is being nasty to you - she may be in absolute shit at work for dropping two days unexpectedly but she shouldn’t take it out on you.

But do you agree with most posters that your DH is at fault here, for not taking the time off and having DSS, just dumping him back on his mother?

Also - you mentioned a time you had DSS when her mum was ill. I’m going to assume
that she missed work that day to go to her mother and that there wasn’t really an alternative (other than taking DSS out of school and with her). But it sounds like she asked and you agreed?

This is different - it is DH just not covering his agreed contact time.

And it would be entirely reasonable for him to take the two days off she has asked for to cover when you are doing your activities, so that she can catch up on work to make up the days she got dumped with last week.

To add her behaviour is vile btw and she's in the wrong for her communication with you, just wondered why DH didn't just take the parental leave instead if DSS mum.

She is clearly also a misogynist as she should be directing her ire at your husband. As should you be but you've ignored all the posters above detailing that.

But honestly from her side it sounds like she's absolutely at the end of her tether. What would this sound like from her perspective? Is she clinging to her job by her fingernails, is she desperate for the money?

It sounds like your husband needs to take time off work to look after his own son, as it sounds like the ex wife really really needs help getting to work for whatever reason.

But she's right - your toddler being ill ISNT her problem.

Right so if it isn’t her problem, then why has she got a pic of my toddler on her phone and why is she analysing it? And why is she sending it to me telling me he always looks ill? What do you suggest I do about this then? Let her off because she’s angry we didn’t cover contact? Or do I stick up for my 2yo son?

‘He always looks ill ffs 😂’ that’s exactly what she put when she sent the pic. Has anyone ever sent a picture of your toddler to you and said something like that?

I’m glad your son is ok and sounds like you have done your best by your DSS. The Ex is out of order with the FB post and at levelling her anger at you.
Her anger should be firmly directed at your DH who decided his big job was more important than facilitating childcare for his son. The only thing you’ve done wrong is to make this about the horrible Ex (FB not included obviously). You should be angry at your DH for being a useless dad and causing this situation at a stressful time. This upset is on him. I’d withdraw for a while and let the dust settle. Let your DH start parenting as he should and they can both learn to start valuing your time. Don’t fall into the trap of being the default childcare for your DH. He needs to grow up and take his responsibilities for his son seriously.

Does you dh have him during the week at all eow isn't much. Has he had him for half the holidays?

Do you want to make things better for yourself or worse?

Stop engaging and pass this to your DH.

You are very close to winding up the drama now. It is not about 'letting her off' or 'sticking up for my 2yo'. Block and go do something productive with your son.

I also think your husband needs to stand up for you, and in all honesty I think you should be disappointed he hasn’t already.