AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

I agree with this.

Your later comments are clearly aimed at trying to get posters to think badly of your DSS’s mum. I understand why you’re lashing out at her but it’s not really the point here.

Of course it’s not ok to send you a photo of your child’s face, and understandably you’re angry. No one here thinks it’s acceptable for her to drag your child into the row.

However that’s just whataboutery really.

The main issue is that your DH didn’t bother to parent his DS and expected his ex to just take time off work. I can’t see how he was really as “goosed” as you claim after the weekend scare if he was able to swan off to work. Plus plenty of us still parent when we’re “goosed” because that’s what being a parent is - you don’t get to parent only when you feel like being a Disney dad.

If DSS was your DS and you were the mum, and you were unable to look after him because the ill child needed your attention, he would have had to either take the day off work or else arrange for the grandparents to help out. He has the same level of responsibility to DSS.

The fact you’ve been able to help her out on the occasional emergency is irrelevant. Presumably you weren’t compelled to and no one forced you to take a shift off work with no notice when alternative care was available.

Your DH has his DS for a poxy 4 nights per fortnight - except he doesn’t, because you do most of the actual time. Thats lovely of you and hopefully it means that you have a close and loving relationship with your DSS. But it doesn’t absolve your DH of his responsibilities and when you can’t support him as usual, he doesn’t get to just ditch his young child and expect another woman - ie/DSS’ mum - to do the grunt work.

Irrespective of any character flaws, I’m not surprised she’s raging. DSS has been treated poorly and your DH has been very unfair to you. Of course you shouldn’t be on the receiving end but she sounds very angry and she’s lashing out in spite. Let your DH deal with her - but he needs to understand he owes her an apology.

They need to co-parent for many years to come so this needs to be resolved as amicably as possible, and your DH needs to actually step up as a parent, not just when it’s convenient. Money is no substitute for actual parenting.

Nah, after why she said about your DS, I would send her one last message saying you will never again be doing her any favours, including extending stays EOW for the Summer months, and that you're blocking her and she can arrange any future childcare with your husband.

Fuck that, what a nasty piece of work.

Okay, setting aside all the emotion and blatant sexism here, why is your husband doing so little parenting?

what attracts you to a man who seems so useless, so emotionally uninvolved with his still very young child.

why are you and this women fighting about childcare when it’s your husband who should be dealing with this?

this would be a huge red flag for me. What happens when you and he separate? Will he get another woman in the argue with you and look after his two kids for a few days a month?

op, it is entirely reasonable of her to want some weekends with her son for the fun/down time

She is only half an hour drive away. DH could pick him up from after school club on a Tuesday and drop him back to school on Wednesday, for example. There are set ups other than EOW.

This is tricky. Ultimately you are being very considerate towards your step son and his mother when you have him two extra days so she can work in the holidays. However - although it’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things you have clearly said she set this weekend schedule up so it’s ridiculous that people are criticising you for that.

I do agree that in fact your dh should have picked the slack up on the Mon & Tues.

Her reaction has been disproportionate though. I’m pleased your son is on the mend

Absolutely nobody is saying the OP has done anything wrong, except maybe a bit of defending her dh who definitely has. Yes the mum has been v out of order directing her anger towards OP but people are understanding her frustration albeit misplaced. OP would be wise to take the advice and pass the issue to her dh rather than continue trying to engage with her while she's angry! The last update doesn't make a bit of difference- half an hour is noting and of course mum wants some down time at the weekends- Tanya the fun part of parenting. Some help with the weekday slog would be nice!

I share 50:50 with my ex, it’s no walk in the park. If he said oh I’d be sad if I didn’t see them much so you can have them EOW, should I have just said yes? We had to make compromise and sacrifices in our children’s best interests. Your H sounds like he doesn’t see it as his responsibility to look after the child. Yes his ex seems difficult but this doesn’t your DP right either. Think about this before marrying him doubt he will have another spare £400 to give you while spending a weekend with your child.

Lao of that was cash on hand work she cancelled (if that's true. You are able to do extra shifts on UC that would have been problematic under legacy benefits) , rightly or wrongly it was possibly even more important to her!

She is being ridiculous. If one of my kids were ill and in hospital I would absolutely send the other to their nans for the duration. They are both my bio children but I would absolutely prioritise the ill one because they need the support most in that moment.

Moving forward I think maybe you need some emotional distance from her. Tell her to kiss your arse and to she can go through H moving forward. You do above and beyond for DSS a you won't be berated/ chastised by her.

At the end of the day, your Dh arrangement (not yours because not your child), has always been to have his child Mondays and Tuesdays during the school holidays, obviously facilitated by you. So the child’s mum has arranged to work on these days. It is your dh’s responsibility to miss work and have his child, why should the mum miss work?

Why are you focusing so much on her, and not your deadbeat husband who is using you as a default parent? It’s almost as if you need to focus your anger on her - message from her conveniently has allowed you to do that.

Silly girls like her (I won’t say women as she isn’t mature enough) are the reason I would only date a man with kids if the ex wife is dead.

Ignore her OP. Your DH did what he needed to do. If his other son was sick, he would be leaving you at home with your shared child to be at the hospital with the one who needed him (I hope). You have offered a new weekend and that’s that. Crack on.

the photo crossed a line that wasn’t good OP but I do think you also need to recognise that your DH should have taken those days of work because
£400 a month for how much he has him is minimal CMS
she is working part time and topping up with benefits and extra shifts to make ends meet because CMS is minimal
weekends should always be 50/50 not matter what the weeks are like

yiu need to take a step back and if that means your DH sorts out more childcare in the summer then so be it. More time in the holidays is normal and to be honest even the extra you do isn’t have big a proportion

you need to prioritise your son, she needs to do the same for hers

yiur DH needs to do both he should have taken the time off as he would have had to in other circumstances

DS also had a febrile fit and it is scary to watch and emotions run high side to it take time to recover from thau

"palming my own son off’
Well whats she doing every time with her son when he comes to yours?
Shes unreasonable....i wouldn't reply to her texts until she is more reasonable, if you have to reply keep it short and only about DSS.

She sounds a total witch. Just remember your DSS is not your responsibility. You look after your son and leave them to fight it out. It sounds like you could be a little over invested in your husband’s child.

@RazzleDazz1e we do not know enough about the situation to say he’s deadbeat. The mother had chosen the contact arrangement, the op had chosen to provide childcare as far as I can see. The husband is going to work not sitting in the pub ffs.

OP I think you have gotten into the way of thinking of your husbands contact with his child as a ‘favour’ to his ex. You think he is a hero because he pus CM.

In reality he palms his contact of on you. So you feel like having this child a handful of extra days in the summer is a huge favour to the child’s mother. But to her it’s his dad having contact.

your husband has two children. Most people would have to think about all their children when one is sick. Your husband didn’t - he just dumped the child and went to work. What a luxury.

he is sexist - his work was more important than his ex’s. He should have either taken special leave or arranged for someone else to care for his child.

he clearly doesn’t see himself as a parent to this child. That’s very sad.

Well whats she doing every time with her son when he comes to yours?

@Loubelle70 sending him to spend time at his dad’s house??? You know, his other parent??

The ex has misdirected anger at you, it should be at your husband and arguably you should be angry at him to.

sorry to be blunt but you thought your kid died and he went to work. Why didn’t he call in sick? That’s why you should be angry. You were shattered, emotional and probably had a lot of dark thoughts and he went to work as normal.

ex is right to me angry but not at you that in your husbands contact time plans change. That said it seems this happens very little but ask, who should be taking time off because your child is ill? Should it be the child’s parents or someone unrelated to the child? If your step son was sick and the ex or husband asked you to take time off work to mind him, would you be pleased to do so?

ex should not have contacted you or spoke to you like this. Currently you are doing your husband and his ex a favour. If this was me, I’d be sitting down with my husband and telling him that as what I have done am doing is not appreciated, from now, unless you are not working, I am not prepared to have dss. Yes he may miss out but he’s missing out on time with you, not time with his dad and that is a very reasonable consequence for his mum speaking to you that way.

@Tiswa 400 minimal CMS? I’d say it’s a good amount especially as she’s not got the kid full time and other stuff is being paid for. I’ve got a dc who doesn’t dad at all. He pays £150 per month. CMS is worked out based on the dad’s income and overnights

Well said @Bellyblueboy

Your DSS coming to his dad’s house in the holidays is not a favour, OP.

It’s not like you taking care of a friend’s kid now and then as a favour which would be very reasonable to drop last minute if your own kid was ill.

It is - or should be - parenting time from your DH, and not droppable by him.

Withdraw all the additional holiday childcare, I would.

What a mess. I don't think you are unreasonable to be pissed off but you really need to have a good hard look at your DH and how he manages his relationship with his non-resident child. Granted, it's really not your problem but in my opinion, way too many women stand by shit fathers and make excuse after excuse for them. It just allows this shit to happen and keep happening. We really should expect more of men and fathers.

Agree with this. Let your DH do it.

But she's not doing the ex a favour, she's doing her partner a favour for looking after HIS child, as this enables HIM to work during HIS contact time.