AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

I can see why both of you are frustrated with the other. Your dss’s mum won’t have been through what you went through or seen things through your eyes, and may have had experience of a child with chickenpox where the illness was much more mild. She’ll have been in all sorts of difficulties having to cancel a shift at the last minute. And you have had a horrible time of it. I hope your ds continues to recover well. Is there a way to build bridges and move on, given you and this woman will need to have some sort of relationship for years to come?

Block her and don't have any more contact with her. It all goes through your husband from now on. BTW he shouldn't have spent all weekend at the hospital when he was supposed to be looking after his son and I doubt that is DSS was your own child that you would have wanted him to be with you rather than looking after his other son. So I see why she is angry but she has seriously crossed a line.

Just seen your update but it doesn’t paint him in any better light. Mum says so he goes along with it? Why is he not fighting for shared custody.

This is typical deadbeat dad behaviour.

Carries on with his life without having to consider his kids, and let's his ex and his new wife fight about his shitty behaviour, while making noises about dealing with it.

Just block her op, and really take a look at his behaviour. He's awful, and one day you and your son could be on the receiving end of his half ass, unreliable, parenting.

The very important man went to his man job when it was his time to look after his child.

The ex probably doesn't understand how important a man job is and her anger is her brains confused way of trying to figure it out.

Your DH left her in the lurch when your DS was ill.

That doesn't make her messages ok, they're not, but the fact is she was landed in it by your DH.

I don't think you are behaving appropriately by accusing her of benefit fraud here. It seems you're quite interested in painting her as the villain. This approach won't help long term.

None of this answered the posters question.

Honestly @Gooodmorningusa
There are some very unfair posters on here who are trying to change the original discussion about nasty, nasty comments directed at you, to their own agenda.
Ignore them. You don't have to justify childcare arrangements to posters who know nothing about your situation.
You have every right to be upset and angry about the unpleasant texts from your stepson's mother. You are ok and clearly doing a very good job x x

Why should it be DH mother to provide the childcare? What if she has to work ?

It seems to me DSS has two parents and one of them is not stepping up at all. Instead, there are three women in this picture providing childcare, the mum, the OP and the MIL.

Why must the man's earning power be preserved at all cost (the cost is to the women by the way)?

The mum is right to be angry but she is angry at the wrong person.

I can't help noticing the hyperbolic language used to describe your husband. There are a lot of bitter comments from some posters. Ignore them. Your OP was totally understandable and most people would feel nothing but sympathy for you.

Sounds exactly like our situation. SS mum refused 50/50 so she gets her child maintenance. Never takes him abroad, we take him on holidays every single time. She doesn’t do any extra curricular stuff with him, DH does all that even on nights when it’s not our night to have him, we buy clothes and feed him on her nights and have him extra in the holidays. It can be a very lucrative arrangement for some women. Second families are often the ones that suffer.
As for why op is picking up the slack of childcare for the DH maybe he’s the higher earner? I know in our situation, DH’s job allows me to do a lower stress WFH job so I’m happy to help cover his childcare when I can.

And no OP, you are not being unreasonable

OP has explained she works in a school so that's why childcare in holidays is her role

I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all,

And neither did the boy's own father.

Fuck me he sounds useless.

We have two kids & when one needing taking to the hospital one of us had to stay behind with the other.

Sometimes both parents can't be there all of the time.

Ok but what about holidays? There is no reason why he can't spend half the holidays with his dad when there is no school? Also, if it were my child I would fight to see more of him. I can't imagine being ok with only seeing my child for such a small amount of time.

It's really hard to get time off in the summer holidays. Everyone wants it.

All this nastiness and disappointment could be avoided if your H was a proper, hands-on parent to BOTH of his DC.

How would you feel, OP, if your H left you tomorrow and decided he was only going to see your DS 52 days a year, on weekends, and the other 313 days it was up to you to look after, arrange childcare, do all school runs, cover all school holidays (aside from maybe 4-6 days that his new DP would cover, and then he might drop those at short notice), cover all sick days, sports days, parents evenings etc.

How would you find a job that pays the bills, plus works around all those childcare demands and carry all that mental load, just for your ex to drop off your child with no notice when you're supposed to be heading into work?

Would that not make you a little bit frustrated and angry?

I'm not minimising anything, and for the record I'm not justifying the ex sending spiteful texts.

I originally posted BEFORE I read what the OP had later added about the Facebook messaging, in response to your post, and whilst I think the ex is way out of line for sending OP messages and pics of her child, I still think that she had a right to be pissed off that her son was dumped on her when his dad should've been looking after him.

I totally see what you’re saying. Those were ‘our days’ and I admit we didn’t handle it or think it through and she had to cancel her shift and her day out… hindsight is a wonderful thing. We didn’t get home till 8pm on Sunday and we were both goosed, DS was still very unsettled during the night, ended up in our bed etc. DH had to leave for work at 7am on Monday. It was just a horrible weekend and we didn’t think about anything other than our 2yo and I can see why it’s pissed her off

I was going to say similar to the poster this response was too.

Firstly I'm very sorry ds was so unwell. It's terrifying. Glad he's on the mend.

I also don't condone the way she spoke to you.

But for this to go forward and to out DSS in the centre of this you need to discuss what you do in this situation going forward.

Whatever court order etc you have agreed the contact as until Tuesday with you caring for him. During that time you and DH (well DH) need to have a back up plan for emergency childcare for when things go wrong.

I'm a LP and it is very scary when you realise you are alone with your child. Asking the mum to miss her work and her income for your convenience isn't fair - it affects her and ultimately DSS. Could MIL not have had DSS those 2 days for a while or come to yours and helped so you could rest. Why didn't DH take emergency parental leave during his contact time rather than expect the parent who wasn't having contact time to drop everything.

Could/would your mum not have dss for those few hours to have appointments and she has your DS? This is her step GC after all. I know lots of people on MN are very territorial with regards step children but in my experience and within my own family we have step and foster children and we do differentiate between them and biology and if you had 1 you'd have the other.

Personally I think you need to get DH to ask her for a meeting. State that in a high emotion situation everyone's emotions understandably got in the way of putting DSS high enough in the situation. Have proposals for moving forward and ask her to put in her opinion and how she could help.

But ultimately if you have to remember that if DSS was another DS you wouldn't be able to just send him home in these situations. And you need to prepare for them as if that's the reality.

But also if DSS was the one in hospital what would your DH do? I'm assuming as he left his ds to be with you that he'd also go there for the whole time to be there for his other DS?

Like I said not easy. But to truly co parent in a way that's equal for everyone it needs to become about what's best for DSS and not seen as how you are helping his mum out because you can.

This was my exact thought. She's been very unreasonable to take it out on you but it sounds like she might have been put in a difficult situation at the last minute and I imagine she already doesn't think much of your dh as a parent and is frustrated. I think I on a way it's worse that this is so established as she thought she was genuinely safe to make plans but the second you weren't available his dad sends him home instead of caring for him or arranging childcare himself! Why is his job more important than hers? She's also had to witness her dc being upset, which may have been the final straw. Leave him to sort this, it's not on you but maybe point out where she could be coming from!

She’s clearly a bitch and what she’s done saying your child always looks ill is awful.

But, your husband should be on the receiving end of all these texts. I would block her, tell him and her (before you block her) that you’re out! All childcare arrangements are to be sorted by DSS actual parents. Any time off work needed is to be done through your husband in an emergency. You are not willing to put up with abuse when you have stepped up for years. Bugger that

Ex needs to be taking her frustration on dh, not you. It's not on. But you shouldn't be excusing his half arse parenting either.

I would assume it is also difficult for DSS's mum to get time off.

@quickturtle but the dad is expecting the women to sort out childcare in the holidays. He may throw money at it but doesn’t step up on taking time off, or taking child to and from childcare setting

Finding a photo of a child on Facebook and making nasty, spiteful comments is a really horrible to do. It shows what kind of person she is and you need to keep a copy of these for legal reasons.
There are a lot of posters who are trying to make this about their own situations.
OP, you have done nothing wrong and no one has any right to send such spiteful texts about a child.
Can you imagine the outrage on here if a step mother suggested the step child always looked ill?
Posters are being so unfair to you. Look after yourself and your family.