AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

Don’t be ridiculous. But yes he did ditch his child when he was supposed to have him. It was his agreed contact time hence the whole issue. Not sure if you missed the point. The ex had to cancel her work that was arranged based on the father having DSS on those days. Op wasn’t available to watch him so instead of sorting himself out…he ditched his son and went to work leaving the ex financially affected and probably in trouble with her boss.
if the contact hadn’t been agreed than the ex wouldn’t have booked in work. Flipping hell, read the thread.

I’m not defending anyone other than saying we don’t know if SHE took photo directly from FB herself or if someone else did.

You claimed above the ex stalked the OP. Even though the OP didn’t say the ex did this, she said someone must have given her the photo.

You're making shit up. Stop it.

The OP was supposed to have him, not the exh.

What bit is made up? I quoted directly from the OP. You keep defending unhinged behaviour.

If you’re now trying to suggest that Op looking after him doesn’t mean it’s the dad’s contact time. You must therefore be suggesting the DH is an even bigger waste of space for never looking after his own son. You can’t have it both ways.

This bit that I’m quoting you on contains several things you’re presenting as fact that you’ve made up:

The ex doesn't deserve an apology from anyone after stalking Facebook, getting someone to send her photos of OPs child and harassing OP.

You are claiming the ex stalked the OP’s FB and got someone to send her photos from the OP’s FB when the OP never claimed that. The OP simply said:

I’ve immediately deactivated my Facebook as I don’t have her on there so a mutual friend must have shown it her?

So tell me...how did the ex get the photo when she doesn't have access to OPs facebook page?

Perhaps like the OP said through a mutual friend. It's the simplest explanation.

But we can't make stuff up just to fit the narrative we want.

Um, presumably as the OP suggested she did, by one of the OP’s friends choosing to show it to the ex?!!!!

That is not the ex stalking.

Are you being deliberately disingenuous or do you generally not understand?

It wasn't Op's husband's contact time but she said she does it to save both her husband & his ex from paying for childcare.

What a shame the husband & ex couldn't have had an agreement to do a day each or something?

No it wasn’t his contact time, but since this has been happening at the DH’s house for 3 years, in practice it IS now his contact time.

I agree with you about it being a shame the ex and the DH couldn’t have done a day each or shared something. Or ideally, that the DH couldn’t willingly step up more during the holidays as his ex is having to cover the vast majority of the holiday periods despite working.

A bunch of flowers. Say sorry to her (make her feel bad) and don't do any favours again.

I think it WAS DH’s contact time - the boy spends every other Monday and Tuesday at his dad’s house in the summer holidays and has done for 3-4 years.

Most parents with shared care have different holiday and term time schedules.

Your dh should pay more for childcare in the school holidays and really see his son more.
I get why she is angry . Maybe try seeing it from her point if view
You can't just forget about a child because you have had a stressful weekend .it's not how it works
Really it's all your dh problem and fault . He needs to do better

Everything else gets shuffled when a small child is ill, because there is only one priority. She’s a piece of work.

Might be worth having a word with DSS and explaining that if he were ill, his mummy and daddy would do the same for him, and that that is what has to happen when somebody is ill.

And your son’s being ill is only her problem because her ex’s new partner is very generous with including her child for time over and above what’s actually due.

Agree.

And it sounds like the ex does the vast majority of holiday childcare which I think makes it more important not to cancel it on the handful of days when they are with the OP.

Child was at his grans on Weekend A as little DC was in hospital. Ex doesn't like this but the DH did arrange suitable alternative care for his DS so whatever.
Child sad not to see his DF and family that weekend so instead of waiting for Weekend C to roll around, he's there on Weekend B instead. As he's not usually there on Weekend B, OP herself has long standing plans on the Monday and Tuesday so is unable to accommodate the long weekend agreement that weekend. To which the Ex unleashes all hell.

So to me it reads like she sucked up the emergency on Weekend A, just as OP has stepped in when the shoe was on the other foot. But now because OP already has plans at a time she wasn't meant to be looking after her DSS, she's mad because she made assumptions.
Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the DH going to work, the ex is so far out of order shovelling shit at the door of a woman who she knows very well has been helping her out.
She's getting her EOW that she wanted, clothes etc paid for and free childcare to boot! Talk about biting the hand.

@AquaLeader my standards are high thank you. Why are you implying that women that choose to work part time have low standards? Families have lots of different working dynamics and it often does fall to the person who works less to be around more for the children. Both of the women in this situation may well be doing what suits them. The ex may not want the father to have more contact and the new wife may want to be home with the kids and have the ‘less-important woman job’ ( to use your idea). It may not be your choice but it’s a valid choice and it doesn’t mean the man is a shit.

I feel like people have missed the point and the issue is there was an emergency, any decent person with a child should understand that the arrangements will change. It’s unexpected!!
Perhaps DH wanted to support OP and toddler so why is it a problem for the mum to take the day and explain to older child their sibling is very poorly so plans have changed this week. Jesus christ people should have compassion, understanding and to appreciate they might need help in the future. The texts are nasty, unnecessary and you don’t need all that.

I hope your son is feeling better x

Only seeing your child 4 days a month in normal circumstances makes you a deadbeat parent whichever way you slice it.

the contact arrangement is what she wanted originally, in her words she couldn’t part with her son every single weekend as she will have no down time with him. She also moved a half hour drive away and his school is in the new area she moved to. Dh pays £400 a month in CSA and for all DSS hobbies, clothes and uniform etc. He is included in every single holiday/ trip out we plan with zero exceptions. He’s a full part of our family he just lives with his MUM because that’s what his MUM wanted

This doesn’t make him a deadbeat father however much you wish it was true.

“Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?”

If your DSS enjoys spending the extra time with you and seeing his dad when he comes back from work and this arrangement has always worked for you then you would be petty to stop this just to spite his mum. You’re going to take it out on the child to try put his mum out. I do not agree with anything she said in your OP and you don’t owe her anything. Ultimately the choice is yours whether you have DSS or not whilst his dad’s at work so yes you can say no but just make sure you say no for the right reasons.
I hope your DS is feeling better now

Child was at his grans on Weekend A as little DC was in hospital. Ex doesn't like this but the DH did arrange suitable alternative care for his DS so whatever.

@DearestGentleReader

This isn’t correct, not fully. The DH provided alternative cover during the weekend days of Sat and Sun, but sent the boy back on Sunday night when he’d been expected to stay until Tuesday evening as he normally did.

So according to OP she has stepped up every time there’s been a problem and ex needs help with childcare. She was stepping up this time to allow ex to work - it wasn’t the normal contact time. And because the one time there was a genuine emergency and OP couldn’t accommodate DSS you think the resulting appalling behaviour from ex is acceptable ? If you read the updates from OP, the contact arrangements were dictated by the ex as she wanted her own weekend downtime with her son. MN never ceases to amaze me. Even when an OP is including a DSS as part of their own family and going above and beyond to make sure he’s included, she still gets criticised.

DH did not stay home with his wife and toddler - he went to work!

Rightly IMO he got his mum to take DSS in the time he was at the hospital supporting OP and their DS. But then he stopped supporting them and went to work after dumping DSS back to his other house.