AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

I think she deserves a huge amount of gratitude and recognition from the DH for doing his parenting for him for years.

I can certainly understand her frustration. He's absolutely taking the piss.

It is entitlement when she expects OP and exh to step in when she has an emergency(her mother), last minute changes to plans that were accommodated but isn't willing to give the same back. Absolute entitlement.

How on earth do you know the ex got someone to send her photos of the OP’s child rather than them doing it of their own accord?

I tell you who does deserve an apology from the DH though - his eldest son.

She chose the childcare arrangements. Why does she deserve anything for that?

I would tell ex that going forward you will have DSS eow as per the original agreement. You have been more than happy to have DSS during the holidays but last weekend has highlighted the problem that your DH won't step in to parent his son and she's got upset because she's having to change her plans.
Going forward you will accommodate EOW but they as his parents need a permanent solution to the holidays that don't involve you ,as you needing to prioritise your own DS has caused such stress .

The OP's partner probably feels he has to 'show willing' by having his child at his house on a regular basis, even though the amount the child is there is appallingly low.

I don't imagine the dad would want everyone to think he's a total deadbeat, so he does the least amount possible, i.e, a pittance in maintenance and little contact with his own son.
I also imagine that the days the OP looks after her dss are the days which benefit her and her partner the most, regardless of whether or not the ex has requested these days, and the OP has no problem looking after the child on those particular days because this enables her partner to work and to bring the money in. Money which benefits her too.

I’ve immediately deactivated my Facebook as I don’t have her on there so a mutual friend must have shown it her?

“A mutual friend must have shown her” isn’t saying and the ex forced them to do it, is it?

@5iveleafclover very likely the friend showed them without the ex asking, but that doesn’t go with your agenda to vilify the ex. Which is odd.

It wasn’t an emergency on his part. He just decided to go to work. The two examples are not remotely comparable. First, the ex had an emergency with her mum. Second, the dad decided to ditch his child and go to work. Surely you can understand the difference. It’s not complicated.

I can understand why everyone is saying this is your DHs fault, and I agree, but who's idea was it to send him back on Sunday night, and did you give her any notice of it or just send him back leaving her in the lurch for Monday and Tuesday?

If neither of you are taking no responsibility for that decision then it's no wonder she's utterly pissed off.

I think there's a lot of taking for granted going on from all sides here and it's leading to big resentment all round.

😂😂You keep clutching at straws. If you think it's ok to take pictures off Facebook of a child who isn't yours...then I don't know what to say.

No that's not what was said.

She wanted some weekends aa otherwise she would have no quality time. As other posters have pointed out nothing appears to have been said about week days. Why does the DH not share week days and do the donkey work of school runs, appointments, homework etc?

It's funny how it always seems to end up him getting his way and both the ex and the OP having to step up.

He should be doing 50/50 .

"Ditch his child and go to work" ??? Is that how you see working mothers too?

You all seem to be missing the part where it wasn't the DHs contact time
So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement

She sounds like such a bitch! An entitled, selfish bitch.

You have helped her out so much and then the one occasion you can’t help her out with free childcare she acts like a horrible beast. I can’t believe she thought it was appropriate to attack the looks of a child.

you have been kind in your arrangements with her and your husband sounds like he does more than he needs to without it being a big deal (e.g. if my ex ever had my children an extra day he was checking cms to see if he should pay less cm that month 🙄)

you shouldn’t feel bad about any of this. Go to your appointments, take care of yourself and leave her to it. She should be your husband’s problem to deal with not your problem.

The ONE time you have to let her down is when your own chid is hospitalised and she calls you selfish?!!

Naaah. You're doing her a massive favour looking after DSS throughout your time off. In reality, you'd be well within your rights to refuse to do so.

I'd be backing off that agreement until I got a BIG apology.

Maybe a few weeks of having to sort childcare and work hours might make her realise what a twat she's being.

defo didn't RTFT. Deleting myself 😂

And you seem to be determined to miss the point that his contact time is pitiful and he's not parenting his child by any definition.

Having a penis does not abdicate you of your responsibility. I don't understand why you are so determined to excuse his failings. Internalised misogyny perhaps.

You didn't even read the OP. The stepson is 8. 🙄

He is a prince among men clearly.

You said she got someone to get the photos off of Facebook for her. I’m saying you can’t possibly know that. Chances are, that other person showed the ex the photo pro-actively. We don’t know which it is.

You can do all the laughing faces you like, it doesn’t stop you from having repeatedly reading things wrongly on her and turning supposition into fact.

Well then she should be extremely grateful for all the OP is doing for her instead of harassing her and throwing tantrums.

Op's DH seems to think parenting involves throwing money or women is the answer

You're STILL defending adults taking pictures of children (who are not family) from social media? As I said, I don't know what to say to you about that.

I'm not justifying where the ex has been out of order to the OP.

Both women have been played for mugs and instead of directing their anger towards each other they should be directing it at the DH and his shitty parenting.