AIBU to be LIVID at my DSS mother

[Gooodmorningusa]

A long post. im livid and upset and I can’t sleep. I think I know how this is going to go but oh my god I need to vent.

my DSS mum, I feel is taking the absolute piss and I think she’s an audacious cow.

the back story is, we have DSS (8) EOW, I have been in his life since he was 2.5 and me and DH share a 2 year old boy. I work in a school office so I am fortunate enough to have most of the school holidays off (literally 12 weeks out of the 13!) so in the school holidays I step up and have DSS extra. So on the weekend he comes EOW, he comes on Friday morning, and we keep him till Tuesday evening and he goes home before bed time. I have always done this since he started in reception class and I do this for two reasons, so he has more time with us and also to help out his mum who is single and has to cut her hours during the school hols. In term time it returns to the normal EOW.

last week my 2yo DS was poorly with chicken pox and it floored him, early hours of Saturday morning he had a fever, had a funny turn, his eyes rolled into the back of his head and we couldn’t bring him round. It was horrible and he was rushed in an ambulance with me and DH stayed at home till MIL arrived to sit in the house with DSS as he was sleeping upstairs. DH came to hospital soon as he could. I was hysterical and have never seen my son so poorly and it frightened me, i thought he was gone when his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Anyways he was kept in hospital till Sunday night, we got home at 8pm. DH stayed with us most of the time while we waited for tests and DSS stayed with MIL (his grandma) then went back to his mums on Sunday evening. Just to add his cousins were there at grandmas too so not like he was the only child there.

anyways DH ex has booted off basically. Ringing up calling DH a selfish dad for staying at hospital all weekend and shipping DSS off to grandmas 🤯 so anyways DSS has come back this weekend as he was upset his missed his weekend last week. So I get a text earlier today off his mother ‘it makes sense for you to keep him till Tuesday as you needed to give it a miss this week’ ….. 😵‍💫so I reply saying no actually that wasnt the agreement, i have plans including an appointment of my own, wedding dress shopping with my SIL on Monday and I am going into work on Tuesday to do my admin. My mum will be looking after DS for these.
she then proceeds to call me selfish and tells me how I’m ‘palming my own son off’ and that ‘she knows I secretly hate her DS’ plus loads of other shit which I don’t think I deserve. In her opinion I should be making up for
the time I missed earlier this week. I reminded her my DS was very poorly and I also reminded her DH was in work on those two days so it’s always me who facilitates the extra contact.
my DH is fuming and has confronted her and she has repeated the same shit to him.
shes basically annoyed that she had To cancel her plans / work on Monday and Tuesday. But my DS was poorly and I didn’t sleep a wink all weekend with checking on him and being on a hospital ward. I admit that on Monday and Tuesday this week I didn’t think about DSS at all, I was shattered and I just let me DS sleep in my arms all day.

Would I be wrong if I told her to suck my big toe from now on?

This 100 %. You sound like a fab mum and sm though. Her anger is misplaced - it should be towards her ex. There should be no expectations of you, from either of them, in these circumstances.

It’s not regardless of the rights and wrongs of the dad going to work. Unless you didn’t mean to quote me. That was the very essence of my post. If you want to quote me then at least have a point about what I wrote about.
I have said nothing about the DSS going to his grandparents. I think that’s fine. I also agree she shouldn’t be taking abuse from the Ex. What I said was that it wasn’t right for the DH to not organise childcare in whatever form that may be. An arrangement that has been standing from reception to 8 years old is and agreement that would stand up to mean it’s his contact time. Especially when the ex books work in and relies on that long standing agreement. Him choosing to go to work is not in itself an emergency which means he can just change his mind because OP’s not around to look after his child for him.
I dearly hope the Op does pull back and her DH can do what good fathers do and look after his child. Hopefully add a few more days.

It wasn’t an emergency and the husband wasn’t supporting OP and their ill child - he went to work during his contact days. He went to work and expected his ex to cancel HER planned work shift - but he wouldn’t cancel his, even though the child was supposed to be with him.

Bearing in mind the ex would normally have to cover ALL the child’s sickness during term time as the dad doesn’t have him during the week during terms, it’s unbelievable that one this ONE occasion he couldn’t take time off.

Completely different if it was an emergency or he was supporting OP, but he wasn’t. He just buggered off to work and expected his ex to cancel HER work for his planned contact days.

He’s incredibly selfish and a shitty parent. OP has done nothing wrong though.

He's required by law to pay child support. He doesn't get brownie points for that.

Half an hour away is nothing. Perhaps it was for support as its incredibly difficult being a single parent when the other is virtually absent.

The mother wanted some weekends. It's been asked about weekdays but I can't see where it's been answered. It clearly suited the father though. Why wouldn't he want equal time?

Reducing contact with your child to 4 days a month is absolutely the actions of a deadbeat.

In the circumstances I don’t think this was unreasonable. OP says she has stepped up many times with extra child cover for ex, so given that this was an emergency and child was very ill, ex’s behaviour was inexcusable - especially the accusations of OP lying about the extent of his illness.

He can’t have a particularly important big man job given the low child support payment, he absolutely should have been the one to miss work.

OP is not to blame though.

The OP has said that the contact arrangements were in line with what the ex wanted. I can’t see anything that contradicts that - more weekday contact time is facilitated during the holidays at ex’s request, so in the absence of anything to suggest he’s refused to facilitate anything else, it still doesn’t make him a deadbeat father. Judging by some of the threads I’ve seen on MN OP is going out of her way to accommodate her DSS, as well as what the ex wants and she’s still coming in for a flaming.

This is where you and I disagree then.

I absolutely don’t think the OP should have been looking after the boy on the Mon & Tuesday.

But since it was part of the long-standing contact pattern for the boy to stay at the DH’s house from the Sun night to Tuesday teatime, I think it was unreasonable for the DH to not think about the boy (by the OP’s own admission), and send him back Sunday night and make the ex take time off work instead of taking time off work himself.

The ex hasn’t behaved well here at all but I can’t blame her being angry when there was the solution of the DH taking time off work and parenting his own child.

£400 CMS, plus paying for hobbies, clothes, uniforms and holidays isn’t ‘low’ child support - as well as clearly being flexible about contact arrangements and facilitating extra child care to suit ex.

Omg, that's what I said from the beginning. She got it through a friend 😂How on earth did I make it up? I quoted the OP. This thread is bonkers but then the step-mother threads are always bonkers.

I'm not flaming the OP if you read back through my posts. It's the DH I have the issue with.

If you reread you will see its been worded that the arrangements are what the ex wanted - regarding weekends. It been raised but not answered about week days or indeed why the DH has chosen to have such little contact for years now.

He has agency in all this. If he was a decent father and wanted to spend quality time with his child he would have pursued it and not been satisfied with 4 days a month in ordinary circumstances.

It clearly suits him to have the women in his life do all his parenting for him and he gets away with as little as possible. That is exactly what makes him a deadbeat.

Well it equates to about a 50k job. So hardly a “all the women must protect the golden goose high earner” level. It’s unbelievable to me that the two women in this scenario are arguing over who should have to look after the poor kid while the father just swans off without a thought.

@Gooodmorningusa Obviously SM wouldn’t have those extra days in the school holidays, without her DS, if you weren’t looking after him, so really you are responsible for those days. Without you she wouldn’t be able to work or go out on those days, as your DH couldn’t be responsible for looking after his DS, due to his work. I can’t understand why some PP’s think he should have taken the time off work, as he didn’t facilitate the arrangement, you and SM did.

SM made the decision to move further away from her XH. Because of that, she has to have him during the week, as he is (sensibly) at school near where they live. She has also refused to allow her XH to have DSS every weekend (as she obviously wants to spend down time with him), so I don’t get get the accusations about your DH spending so little time with his DS as this is the contact that SM wanted!

Obviously SM wouldn’t have those extra days in the school holidays without her DS, if you weren’t looking after him, so really you are responsible for those days. Without you she wouldn’t be able to work or go out on those days, as your DH couldn’t be responsible for looking after his DS, due to his work. I can’t understand why some PP’s think he should have taken the time off work.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you stop the arrangement to have DSS more, because of how SM has behaved over this, which would be a shame for you all, especially DSS. SM should be happy that you facilitate seeing DSS more and obviously love him being part of your family, but she shouldn’t expect you to look after him on these extra days in this situation, as obviously your first consideration is your sick child.

What’s easier? A 30 second bank transfer of £400 each month or coparenting actively and having your son 50:50?

Half the school runs, half the hobby organisation, half the GP and dentist and optician appointments, half the gifts and planning and drop offs for birthday parties, half the Christmas shopping, half the mental load, knowing when they’ve gone up a clothes size, shoe size, arranging hair cuts, etc. Being an actual parent.

Anything less isn’t acceptable. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who had kids if he had less than 50:50 because it shows me who he is and he isn’t the father I’d want for any future children of my own.

Any idiot with a bank account can do what the father of this child is doing.

Couldn't someone just have booked this kid into holiday camp? The two my DC goes to are £42 and £55 a day.

I think you're confused. I read the posts back and forth between yourself and the other poster and you did appear to be claiming stuff that the OP never said.

This last post of yours makes no sense at all because you literally just asked how they got the photo and myself and others answered with what the OP actually said.

Now you're saying you said that earlier....if that is the case why on earth did you ask the question? Its nonsensical.

I think you need a lie down lol.

100% this. The shit father is the problem not the Mum and Step mum who are no doubt trying their best. Meanwhile billy big balls with a job too important to prioritise his children will be loving two women fighting over his actions. The bar really is in the basement for some women.

Exactly

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths some posters will go to justify shitty parenting by men.

Quote my posts back to me then. Why on earth would a friend of the ex just randomly send her photos of OPs son? Of course the ex had a hand in this. I can't work out if you're coming from a place of naivety or just one of those people who are always against fathers and step-mothers which is common on the step-parenting threads.

Ok OP- I know it’s horrible, and I understand why you’re upset, but please look at it from her point of view…

Your DH takes his son 2 days a fortnight…regardless of maintenance/ childcare, that is
really poor parenting from your DH. The fact that she only needs help during school holidays means her ask is even smaller.

your son, by contrast, has his dad constantly. As a mother, try to see why that might cause resentment. Do you think she has the luxury of palming off her responsibilities for her son because she’s had something stressful happen?

you are right - that this isn’t your fault. It’s your DH’s.

It really is testament to her that you have a both have a good relationship.

I’d also stop and think for a minute about how your DH is framing you caring for her son. It’s probably not framed as you doing her a favour. You are doing your DH a favour and if he can’t look after his kid at agreed times then HE needs to sort out additional childcare- not her.

usual drip feed of bile against the mum when OP did not get the response she wanted

YOur DH is the problem - you do the extra 1.5 days in the holidays for him - not her - his share of the holidays is still pretty minimal She does not want hi to go to his DF every weekend so she gets to do the drudge and he gets the fun - am totally with this woman bar her facebook comments she ahs done nothing wrong

She ahs lost pay/ holiday for someone elses baby - every right to be pissed.

The rest sits with your DH I am afraid - he sorted childcare out over the weekend, so he knew he neeeded to, but ust expected his EX to do it on what is clearly establsihed his time

Well you can start at @HedderGarbled post at 13.14 replying to yours from 13.07 and read the ones between you both from there. You just made sweeping assumptions not based in any fact provided by the OP.

I'm not naive because I'm saying the same thing the vast majority of posters are. You are the one out of step. You're the only poster that is going to any lengths to blame the ex entirely and excuse the father everything. Its really odd.

You can't be reading the posts properly as you've just accused me of being against step-mothers when it's in black and white on here I've said the exact opposite about the OP.

You clearly have an axe to grind but it's coming over as unhinged. Making scenarios up to fit your narrative and misquoting people is frankly bizarre.

Honestly? Your DH dropped the ball here. It was his day to have his DS. It would have been nice if the mum stepped in to help but this is a classic step child/blended family situation that doesn't function like a standard family arrangement. For most of us with 2 dc, a child in hospital is looked after by one parent. The other child is looked after by thd other parent unless a kind friend or family member steps in to help.

Your problem is you are thinking of the EW holiday arrangement as optional rather than the ex is thinking of it as fixed. Your DH is not looking after his ds enough as it is and is happy for you to pick up the slack. It seems you personally care about DSS and are trying to do the right thing.

After this reaction from the ex I'd have your DH sort all arrangements with her for now on.

How judgemental to make sweeping statements like this about the supposed 'first wives club'
People are quite rightly telling the OP that her partner is to blame for being a crap father, and are also saying that the ex was in the wrong to comment on OP's child.