Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Too much weekend. I would opt for 7/7. Much easier.

Having read your posts OP and replies I actually think you are doing a lot. You have provided this man and his DC with a lovely home.
But sadly he’s gone from his marital home to his parents to your home. Finances aside, without you he would have had to provide a home eventually. At that point, you could dip in and out, get to know the children gradually and have time for yourself, too.
At 4 and 8 they are young, and just 30, you are going to be 40 or do before they have any kind of independence.
You are not a mum or a stepmum yet, you are not married and this man must think he’s won the lottery. He’s putting his children in a very precarious position. You are not yet a proper family unit, he’s just moved himself and his children in with you.
You are still so young OP.
It is time for him to find his own place. If he does and then that works for you, great.
Right now he’s getting all the benefits of a home, an extra mum on duty, with no respect shown for you, your own security and future plans.

Objectively it's unreasonable to complain as a step parent that the children are spending that much time at their father's house. HOWEVER based on some later updates you've given, it sounds like your partner has found himself a new mummy for them and a home and in the nicest way possible it's not about you as a person. This is why women statistically apply for divorce more often than men because women leave to be alone but men don't go for divorce until they have someone to replace their wife. If he truly loved you as a person, he would be saying be yourself whilst also being in their life.

This.

If you don't want to spend time with children, which is fair enough, then you shouldn't have chosen to have relationship with a man who has children.

You are being taken for a mug. If it was me, I would get out now.

OP do you have family?
How do your friends and family view the relationship?

So he's a financial freeloader on top of everything else??

What's he spending his income on?

Send him back to his parents. Why you think the world of him is beyond me. There are millions of other men out there.

That's brilliant! I might use that one!

I always post here dissuading people to walk away from unions because of finances, etc. etc. But this time I would wholeheartedly say - walk away now. This will only get worse. I know of cases of wicked stepmoms, but equally, I hear of cases of lovely stepmoms being driven potty by the antics of sc. It will seriously only get worse. You sound fit and healthy (horses) and complete as a person. You will find someone without the baggage and you will have a calm life. A peaceful existence is a gazillion times better than 'luuurve'. He sounds a good dad who prioritises his children, so there will be a repeat - with the grandchildren. Basically, you will have no peace. Walk away!

Regardless of the amount of hours that 5-weekly schedule sounds incredibly complicated to wrap your head around. No wonder you’re struggling to fit hobbies in or plan much with it changing so much week to week!

So you pay for everything and he expects you to become the person he wants with no other interests is that right

get out uou are in a very controlling relationship of course you can prioritise time for yourself that doesn’t go with being a oarent

he is your issue

He’s being unreasonable. He basically wants you to be their actual mother when they’re with him. I’d work out a schedule that works for you eg all Sundays you’ll take for horses but Saturdays you’ll work around the kids or whatever. Let him know you need to keep your hobby up otherwise you’ll feel resentful.

He will be incredibly hard pressed to find a child free 30 year old with a place big enough to house him and his dc, who wants to devote nearly all her weekend time to his dc but doesn’t actually want dc of her own (I’m assuming he doesn’t want more). He has to compromise somewhere.

his reaction is also raising sone red flags for me if I’m honest. It actually sounds a bit controlling of him to expect you to reduce your hobby time down to fit around his dc.

ETA I also did split weekends when my dc was small, ex had Friday nights and most of Saturday. It ended up being shit for dc as he didn’t have time to settle anywhere. Honestly, as they get older every other weekend is much easier on everyone.

You are very young , find someone without children.You'll be happier.

If they were yours of course they'd be with you full time-what's his point?

That the 4 of you would always do everything together??!!

Come on Op he's using you.

He really can't be worth it!

He's not being fair to you. He says you should be totally involved with his childcare arrangements or you should be single. Call his bluff! Choose being single and he's back living with his parents (handy because they can help with his lovely family weekends).

You say he's a great, involved father who would happily have his children full-time. Except that he wouldn't, because he would have to make changes to his career to accommodate school runs and childcare.

Even married couples with children can spend some time apart at weekends - read all the threads about golf and cycling. What you think and feel is at least as valid as his opinion.

Ok this is one of the reasons I dislike the term step mother.

I'm not a "mother" to his child with another woman. That child has two parents.

I am his wife.

I love his child very much but they are not my responsibility to parent.

Your partner is trying to make you a "mother" and you are not.

Given what you have posted he's landed on his feet with you OP and yet he's making demands he's in no position to make.

You are not going to feel about his children the way he does. You don't have to spend all your free time with them.

You are not free childcare....as well as rent, utilities, food and everything else.

You need to push back and be clear the situation WILL NOT continue.

If he doesn't respect that he can leave.

That said I think you are bonkers to be in this relationship. It's all a one way street and you're wasting your prime years being used.

Please stick to your guns . If he can’t understand and adapt accordingly then he needs to go . You are not selfish or wrong , you just want a different life to him and that’s OK . You can have a lovely relationship with DSC without spending every second of your weekend with them , what you can’t do is be an unpaid father’s help if you aren’t there to carry the load. What does he really want I wonder

Perfect time to see if this relationship has legs.
In your head you give it a time trial, 6 -10 weeks sounds about right.
For the next 6-10 weeks you do what you need to do, what you want to do. No drama, no arguments. I’m going to exercise the horses, see you lunchtime. There’s lots in the fridge.
I’m going to yoga/ meeting Sarah/ mucking out this evening, home about whatever time.
You state what you’re doing.
If he sulks, argues, tries to lay down his rules then I’m afraid you’re his meal ticket and it’s time for him to go. Better this year than further down the line.

Ok, I've read more of the thread now.

Ditch this guy, OP. He's a prick who has no respect for you. Get rid.

What does he spend his money on?

Yikes, he’s got a great deal hasn’t he? You are financially subsidizing him and kids (why?) and jumping to fulfill his vision of stepparenting which is basically you taking over from where his ex left off.

Yanbu to want to be a stepparent in a different way but his vision of step parenting is actual pretty common because he sees all women as childcare givers who are there to make his life easier.

He doesn’t see his kids very much and as he gets older, it could end up being more as sometimes kids fall out with mums or dads live closer to school etc

You are basically incompatible with him because of this fundamental difference. He wants a second mother to the kids to make his life easier and you want to be more of an aunt who dips in and out of the time he has with the kids. If either of you relent then it will end up being a source of resentment later.

If you want to stay in a relationship then you should ask him to move back to his parent’s house and date again. I think you’d be crazy to stay because he does not sound like a good man at all

Ok this is one of the reasons I dislike the term step mother.

It’s called bonus mum or bonus dad where I am. Sounds nicer.

Yeah he's not sounding like much of a man or a dad at all here. You are your own person and should absolutely be able to spend your weekends how you wish. If he doesn't like that, you both need to rethink the relationship. The issue isn't how often or for how long he has his children, it's that he wants to dictate that you must be there for all of that time. That's not OK.

I think this is especially relevant because you have horses. Not that one 'hobby' is more important than another, but it's not like playing tennis that takes maybe 1-1.5 hours that you can do any time in the day, and even if competing it's still a relatively compartmentalised thing. You have jobs to do simply caring for them and keeping them alive and well and fit, you want to ride and maybe have lessons, you might need to be at the stables late because one of them seems a bit off colour and you're waiting for the vet, you might be out at 7am on a Sunday to head to a competition or a long trail ride that takes most of the day. I mean....this is the life that horse people lead, and you are one of those, and he seems to think he is allowed to tell you that you are no longer allowed to be.

That's the part that's not OK. That he is telling you you can't be who you are, because you now need to be the person he wants in his life, a step-mum and co-parent.