Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

You’re not their stepmum, you are their dad’s GF, this is the issue (or not). It’s perfectly fine for you to want your free time and perfectly ok for him to want a step mum for his kids but that isn’t you. You don’t fit together, regardless of how you feel about him.

You are right, he hasn’t. It would have helped to read the whole thread.

Nope. A small contribution when he can.

I call it "a nanny with a fanny." Crass but apt in so many cases.

So on point!

Seriously, get him out of your house.

If the kids are his whole world why is he so opposed to parenting them on his own while you do your hobbies? I could understand if you were asking him to spend less time with them but you’re not, you just want to enjoy some of your weekend time and hobbies without it all being dictated by the activities and time he wants to spend with his kids.

Equally his attitude to you having your own interests and spending time alone or doing things that are important to you like your horses is worrying - all couples need their own time and hobbies and interests. Him saying having those means being single is pretty telling. I don’t think this guy has ever been independent honestly. He’s always had others around for parenting and seems to think being together means doing everything together. This would be an issue even without the children in the mix.

You may think the world of him but he doesn’t seem to respect your autonomy, interests and how you want your life to be very much.

I'm sorry OP but he saw you coming.
He needs to leave.

Interestingly, none of the couples I know (no step parents, their own bio kids) even remotely view their lives like this. Both mum and dad manage to have hobbies: one couple met at our running club and now they alternate weeks so they can both still come and socialise. Another friend gets one weekend morning to go cycling, so his wife can spend the other weekend morning to do whatever she wants: yoga, coffee with her friends, a nice long walk with the dog. They also have family time together, both afternoons, and obviously holidays and one off events or trips.

The kids aren’t even the issue here, really. He’s telling you how your “coupled” life should be according to how he views it. He’s forgetting that there are two people in the relationship and he’s just decided, all by himself, how you have to live for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Adore him or not, that would be out the door for me. No compromise, no understanding of how he’s turned your life and home on its head, no appreciation of how he’s asked you to abandon your responsibilities you already have. Because horses are a huge responsibility. He’ll be suggesting you sell them at some point. Because those kids will need school trip costs, university funds, big birthday presents, and as a “family unit” you will be expected to cough up.

You want very different things. He’s really landed on his feet, taking over your house and now trying to take your independence. He’s not got a nuclear family, and it’s not fair to force one on you.

You won’t regret calling it a day, but you will regret letting this drag out for several more years until it inevitably ends anyway.

If I was a step mum with no kids (thinking of my mindset before I had kids mid 30s and couldn’t stand kids at all) I wouldn’t find the times with step kids fun at all. So OP I get what you mean.

Saying that, I’d never have dated/married man with kids. Would have run a mile.

Never found my own kids a drudge. Adore them, always have, always found them amazing and fun and can’t stop mummying them even tho they are adults.

BUT you did get together with a man with kids so you have to put up with it really. As PP said, you could have ended up with them 50% of the time.

Seriously? come on now looks like he’s seen you coming. So you’re essentially providing him with a roof over his head, saving him money and you’re expected to be ‘responsible’ for his kids with him while sacrificing all the things you enjoy.

This is not a loving man OP

He sounds like such a prize catch.

Going to work early and working so much that he couldn’t possibly have his kids 50% and yet throwing you crumbs?
Cmon!

Why did him and his ex split up?

My ex was like this - he thought the sun shone out of his DDs’ arses and couldn’t fathom that I didn’t feel the same way. I had DCs of my own and of course I love them all. But I’m nowhere near as soppy about them as he was over his. He almost acted like it was a honour for anyone to be allowed to be part of his family, dangled the idea of marriage and being allowed to share his surname, like it was a real privilege, over the DCs’ mum and then over me. He was a massive narcissist who literally couldn’t see anything from someone else POV. That was how he felt so of course everyone else would feel the same. It was like he couldn’t comprehend that other people are the main character in their own life, not just a supporting actor in his.

It won’t get any better - my ex’s kids were the same ages as yours when we met, the teen years got even worse. We finished due to his nastiness not the step situation but it has made me very wary of ever doing that again.

Successful step families need great communication, understanding and patience, and for all parties’ needs to be listened to. Contrary to what some precious parents think, kids don’t always have to come first.

Oh no OP. On top of everything else, this would be it for me. Forget resentment, I’d be fucking fuming. You are essentially paying for his kids: the money he doesn’t give you will get to go on presents and days out and school trips and their own fucking ponies.

He saw you coming OP. Essentially he can't afford his own place and you've kindly provided all of that for him and he's still not happy. Him banging on about you spending more time with the kids is a red herring. He stands to lose so much more than you if you split up. Ask him to leave and find someone without children.

He needs to go, fuck him op he isn't paying his way either and is still manipulating you for more and more of what HE wants you to do for HIS children.

No, nah, he needs to fuck off.

I haven't read all of the replies but it does seem like you're doing a lot of weekends and I'd be looking to try and balance that out whilst not necessarily having the kids fewer days. But you should 100% be able to have your own life and hobbies - it's not for you to be there to entertain his kids. Being blunt, they come to see their dad, not you.

Just seen the financial update. Fuck that shit. Honestly - get him out asap. If he wants to step up as a boyfriend you can see where you go from there, but he’s using you at the moment.

When he can?

I assume this man works full time (if so why not?)
So why the hell is he only contributing “when he can” he should he paying half if not more of everything!

seriously OP the more I read the more I’m angry for you. Get rid of this freeloader.

Oh my God I can't cope with this! Come on OP. Wake up and wise up. Fucks sake.

I think it's fair enough you want some weekend time to yourself. as pp said, you just have different visions of your lives together. You already have the commitment of your horse, which you had before they moved in and probably assumed he would respect that.

All you can do is be very firm about what you want. There is plenty of room for compromise, with you still spending time together as a 4, just not as much. If he cannot compromise at all or see your pov, I would be very unhappy and question the relationship.

Wow
Either a made up thread or you genuinely need some support irl from friends or family to help you work out why you're doing this

Then he's a cocklodger. Dont change your life for a man who isnt contributing fairly to the house him + his children live in. Go out and do your own sh*t at the weekend - he's taking the absolute piss

Oh dear OP, I know you say you love him, but from reading through all your posts, this just isn't going to work. You are never going to love his kids more than your own horses - and that should be absolutely fine. His kids are not your responsibility. You don't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship whereas your partner is doing very nicely indeed out of it, given you're paying for everything and he still gets to call all the shots and force you to rein back (pun intended) on your hobby in order to babysit his kids. Unless he's the best lover in the world - and frankly even that wouldn't be enough, IMHO - I really think you should throw this particular fish back.