Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Fuck me, you’re being told who can visit YOUR home? Can you really not see it? You must be able to if you’ve been in an abusive relationship before?!

OP, you think that if you're lovely and kind and sweet and you give him everything he wants he will reward you by giving you what you want, i.e he will marry you.
But he won't because he knows you're a pushover and he can walk all over you any time he wants.

And what about your friends ? You didn’t answer whether you see them and what they think of your situation?
They know you better than any of us, what do they think?

It sounds like you are willing to compromise anything to just be with him. You have made having a significant other the most important thing to the exclusion of your own family being able to visit your home, staying as involved as you want and when you want in your horses, and having a relaxing time in your own home.

This is not a healthy relationship. And the disfunction has nothing to do with how many weekends his children are at your home.

'I love being at home doing nothing too but he likes to be on the go so that's what we do.'

This is now so strange that I'm beginning to assume it's a joke.

Unless you've genuinely just written 'we always do what he wants' without any further thought process initiated.

😂😂

Out of roughly 600 comments that keep appearing every 30 seconds, it's quite difficult to keep up. I'm replying to everything I can.
Every time I reply to one, it takes me to the latest page so I have to go back to find where I was each time!

As I said on the PP, there are over 600 comments that keep coming and I'm trying to reply as quickly as I can. I'm not ignoring anything. I'm responding to the questions and I'll do a full update when I finally get to the end.

It is your prerogative to pretend the solution - of him moving out and having his dc as much as he wants then, and you having your hobby time - doesn't exist.

Because you then don't have to allow the thought in to your head that he's only with you for your money and childcare ops.

You don't have to respond to it on this thread of course. But I would urge you to give the thought some space in your head.

Too much to fully pay off in the relatively short amount of time.

I expect you are renaming your horses ' But, I love him ' and ' I fell in love '

and when you wave off your horses after selling them to new owners you can repeat to yourself - ' But, I love him ' and ' I fell in love '

maybe you could name other horses - you don't say if it's just 2 or more ?
' golden dick ' and ' cock lodger '

it's not a problem selling your horses as you won't be able to afford them soon after all he has debts, children and not contributing to household costs

how soon did it take him to realise / find out that 1. you have your own home 2. you earn a shitload - enough to subsidise a man and 2 children...

Regrettably, I didn't even think about these things or find things like that out when I fell for him. I should have been more vigilant.

As I said on the PP, there are over 600 comments that keep coming and I'm trying to reply as quickly as I can. I'm not ignoring anything. I'm responding to the questions and I'll do a full update when I finally get to the end.
But they are nearly all saying the same thing.

Beung bitchy to the OP probably won't help her see sense.It's not necessary.Op have a good hard think about what all these strangers are trying to get across to you.Kindly you're being taken advantage of.Please be careful proceeding with this man.

Selective responses I think. OP doesn't want to be helped.

Regrettably, I didn't even think about these things or find things like that out when I fell for him. I should have been more vigilant.

If he'd arrived in your life with a big placard saying
"Dad in Debt seeks Nanny with a Fanny and a Good Job"
and accompanied by a battalion of red flag wavers you'd have still 'fallen in love'.

He loves them more than anything. He's a brilliant dad. I know a lot of people on here have said he's not but genuinely, he is so good with them. He lives for them, he'd have them every single day if he could.

Well he couldn't have them every single day could he? Because he doesn't have a home? He has your house currently but if your relationship ends then where is going to have his kids? It's not like he is going to even be able to rent, never mind buy, if he can't even afford to contribute to your household?

He literally moved out of his marital home, into his parents then straight into yours. At no point did he think "I need to find a stable home for my children to stay in". And during all that time, the debts he has built up haven't been paid off, despite him working full time and living for free.

You fell for him, that's done.

But you can make a decision now. You aren't stuck just because you fell in love. You can acknowledge that you're in love with a man who doesn't meet your needs and choose to walk away anyway to put your needs first.

Your dream is about to come true, with all that entails.
But first you will have to pay for your engagement ring of course.

Mate, you do know all this ‘I fell in love/but I love him’ stuff is complete bollox? Life isn’t a Disney film.
You are making your own life miserable. Wake up.

This thread is so so sad because it's happening to so so so many women. We have to do better as a society of not teaching our little girls that their goal in life is to get married. That absent fathers is not their fault, it's the fault of the father. It is deeply sad that so many women will put up with absolutely anything to have a man. Break the cycle op. He isn't good enough for you. You are worth so much more than him.

And we have to teach our little boys that women are not there to wipe their arses. No means no and respect is earnt not given. Women are not threatening to men and we are not inferior. We are equal and better results are achieved by working together than tearing women down. Teach our boys to be better and our girls to accept nothing less. 🙌🏼🙌🏼

I think he would have them more in the week. He just has very early starts and because the ex works school hours and lives nearly next to the school whereas we are a fair bit further away, they just agreed it was easier for them and the kids to be at home more during the week. It wasn't purely his decision. She decided the majority of the hours.
He does do all the homework on the midweek night, washes their clothes, sorting out bookbags, filling out their daily task things in their school books, P.E kits, making lunches, getting them bathed and sorting dinner around all of this. I'm at work until late hours anyway so I'm not there helping him with this, I'm usually home after they're in bed after sorting the horses. Plenty of grumpy mornings, rushing around getting them ready for school, having breakfast, brushing teeth, all of which he does on his own as I'm getting ready for work myself.
On the weekends, he washes their clothes, makes sure they're all dry and folded up ready to go back to mum so she doesn't need to do it. I don't control or take charge of any of this stuff. I look out for them as an adult caring for a child and being a friend to them but he sorts everything else and manages things.

I talk to my friends but I don't tell them stuff to be honest. I don't see them as much but that's my choice, I'm so busy with work and horses and I get a bit overwhelmed with having too many things to do at once.

So, so much baggage! A wholesale takeover of your life.
Can you answer this one simple question- what do you get out of this relationship? And the answer can’t be ‘I wuv him’)