Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Yes

Actually, there’s a huge range. Some people have good debts like mortgages. Some people have debts that happened through bad luck or unforeseeable events, like needing a new car suddenly or paying some medical costs or education costs. Some people fall on hard time and go into debt to get through it. Some people are shit with money and can’t grasp spending less than they earn- avoid these people. Some people are spoilt and entitled and it’s not that they aren’t capable of budgeting but they think they should be able to live the life they deserve. Avoid these people like the plague. Especially for relationships!!

I can't see where I haven't acknowledged it?

if this was a job and the reality turned out differently to what you expected, you would make moves to change it and if that didn't work, you would leave.

If he contributed properly, if he did his WonderMan Parenting all by himself with a bit of an input from you, if he made time for you and understood that he has his priorities and you have yours and there was a need for compromise, that's fine and dandy...

but he wants everything his whole way all the time and you come bottom of the list ALWAYS.

People say kids come first all the time. No, that's not healthy. They need to know that they are a priority, but they are one priority and depending on circumstances, sometimes they may be on the podium, but NOT necessarily in gold medal position. Our kids and partners need to know that sometimes WE get put first, sometimes He is, sometimes DC are. If you don't show kids that sometimes mum/dad/stepM/D come first EVER, how will they learn to put other people first SOMETIMES?.

You are 30 years of age, in the PRIME OF YOUR LIFE! Your Relationship worth is CRAZY HIGH! you have little 'baggage' no dodgy exes making everyone's life a misery, no batshit inlaws you still have to see cos you have their grandkids etc etc.

You are single, standing on your own 2 feed, financially sound, own horses etc, you have done WELL! You can find WAAAAAAY better than this cast off bloke who can't even provide for himself or his kids let alone be a partner to you. You are worth SO much more.

Demand better for yourself! He either goes half on everything, covers all his kids costs, parents his kids himself with you doing things with them as a bonus, and understand that you are a living human being who has options ad choices and has her own life to lead, or you need to bring this relationship to a close.

He is not a catch at all, you have been 'had'

As usual, your original question on this thread is a red herring, the real issue is that he is squashing your life into nothing, and he is living off you rather than living with you

Maybe for you. Maybe not for the kids who didn't get much time with one of their parents.

OP you refuse to see him as nothing other than perfect.
Of course he’s a great dad, he’s managed to also nab them a free house to live in and another caregiver. He’s gaslit you into thinking you need to be a family unit with them after a few months.

If this is what you want that’s fine. He’s not going to change though, be prepared to look back in a few years where your life has disappeared to. I bet in time he will push to have them more and more as well and I can guess who will pick up the extra work. He’s pushing you to become their second mum and you are letting him do that.

'Funnily enough, marriage was the only goal I have in my life. I would love to be a wife and have a husband.'

Plus the post about the abuse and it now makes sense.

We can see this unemotionally op, and it's why it's an almost unanimous ltb. You are in love with being in love, and your brain is fighting to dismiss all the blindingly obvious red flags. I'm not sure there's anything anyone can say to make you see it. You'll have to realise it for yourself. Luckily you don't want dc so the wasted time doesn't matter there.

I hope for your sake you realise it asap.

If it works for mum and dad and they and the kids are happy, then it's normal and fine.

In my opinion, it's not enough time for the kids with their dad. But if they're happy, great.

If you aren't happy with the set up, you'll have to consider your options. The kids are coming first with him, and they absolutely should be. Can you live like this for the rest of your life?

Also, do your hobby when it suits you. It will be nice for your partner and his children to have some time just them anyway.

@EG94 What do you mean by waiting to start the freedom programme please? I thought it was something online. Genuine question.

There’s a blindingly obvious solution here @NellyElly1 .

He moves out into his own place and has his kids 50% of the time. You’ve said several times how much he loves them and wants to have them more, but he only has them 25 hours a week by your own calculation.

Then he sees you the rest of the time when he doesn’t have his kids. And you have time for your own friends and hobbies on these other 3.5 days a week.

Naturally he will need to agree a new rota with his ex, where they share weekends, weekdays and school holidays . And adjust his working hours , but that will be easy enough , mums do it all the time.

You don’t have to live together to be a happy couple you know, you can open up your mind to different types of family set ups. As he loves you so much he will be happy to do this, aa it meets both your needs.

And of course I’m sure his kids will be happy to see much more of him, and to have them to themselves . Of course you can still pop in to see them at their dad’s sometimes, for special events like birthdays.

It’s a win win win win for everyone - you, him, his kids and his ex.

... I fell in love!
What life has taught me is that you aren't in love with the person but in love with your perception of who they are.

They're not a fan of going there and they're scared of the horses. It's also my escape place so merging it might be counterproductive but thank you. I will bear it in mind.

Very wise. It took me one ex husband and a messy divorce before I realised this.

It's clear to me that your rose tinted spectacles are firmly fixed on, which is normal and understandable because as you have said, you are in love with him.
But he's sponging off of you and exploiting you.
I wish you all the very best 🌻

It is hardwork when they've come up with me, including OH of course. The youngest "helps" me with the feeds which takes triple the amount of time with the added waste of expensive supplements for my older mare being thrown on the floor because she's not paying attention and listening! Plus I can't have them in with my horses, the mare goes for little ones and the youngster will just think they're play toys!
I need the time to exercise her to keep her ticking over as she is arthritic and the youngster I'm starting to back which is time consuming too. The youngster is my future and they're my priority over time with the kids, unfortunately!

He actually says the guilt is on me and he's never stopped me doing what I want!

@1VY has the perfect solution @NellyElly1

Surely that is the best solution given that you've said he'd ideally want them as much as possible and that you want to spend more time with your horses. Then everyone would be happy, wouldn't they?

Of course he does!
If you kick him off of the gravy train his life will get much much worse so he'll say and do whatever it takes to keep you drinking the Kool-Aid.

His family visited a lot and I felt obligated to be there instead of going to see my own and also, he didn't want the kids meeting my family too soon so this took a while. They've only met my mum so far so she can now come round on weekends but anything else, I would either have to go on my own or not go.

I'm not going to try and convince you he's not a good Dad. I'm sure he's fun with them when they come. But think about a good Mum- does a good Mum leave their kids with their Dad Mon-Fri and have them part of the weekend and one night a week, or would you think that's irresponsible? He's chosen a job which doesn't fit around his children, and he's chosen not to do the hard work or organising childcare and transportation so he can do the boring stuff that comes in the school week, the 9pm announcements that they need a Viking costume for tomorrow, the grumpy mornings when they won't eat breakfast, the constant washing and ironing of uniforms, helping them with the maths homework which takes twice as long as it should, filling out the reading diaries...the list goes on.

A "brilliant parent" doesn't just have to take them out and do fun things on a Saturday, it's a lot more than that. Single parents don't get to say they "can't" have their kids in the week, they just have to make it work.

It is online but sadly there is a waiting list. So many woman fleeing abusive relationships that it’s soo booked up. I contacted them 3 months ago and next course dates with space is early September. I don’t know if I did it right? This all came about through talking services who signposted me to a woman’s aid charity that offer the course.

@NellyElly1

“His family visited a lot and I felt obligated to be there instead of going to see my own and also, he didn't want the kids meeting my family too soon so this took a while. They've only met my mum so far so she can now come round on weekends but anything else, I would either have to go on my own or not go.”

It’s YOUR house ! Of course you should have your family round when you want. If he doesn’t want them to meet his DC he should take them out .
The more you write, the worse he seems !

I love being at home doing nothing too but he likes to be on the go so that's what we do.

But he can be on the go with his kids while you are off doing other things.