Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

He loves them more than anything. He's a brilliant dad. I know a lot of people on here have said he's not but genuinely, he is so good with them. He lives for them, he'd have them every single day if he could.
This is the first time he's been in this situation and I don't think he is used to not having that set mum/dad family set up anymore. It's a learning curve for him as well.

@NellyElly1 I mean this kindly but I think you need to set your bar higher. You should have many more goals in life than just to get married, and certainly not to this man.

I've been in a couple of abusive relationships. I tend to shut down even though I try not to. I try to please and make others happy (daddy issues) because I never felt good enough.

You are investing a lot. The fact is these are not your kids. You could invest many more years on them and he could walk away and you would never see them or him or again.

HE is offering you NOTHING
YOU have given HIM a HOME - that HE DOESN'T PAY TOWARDS
HE has HIS children in YOUR HOME x amount of time

DO NOT marry this taker

HE will TAKE half your house when you divorce

@NellyElly1 How come he didn't manage to pay off his debt whilst he was living with his mum and dad?

To me he is lol!

I don't think he has them enough. The five weeks you mention add up to 840 hours. He has them for 138.5 hours in those five weeks and then the Wednesday nights. I don't know if these are overnights on Wednesdays but if it's just for 4 hours or so that adds up to another 20 hours. Obviously overnights would be something like 4pm - 8am so another 16 hours x 5 which would be 80 hours. So somewhere between 158.5 out of 840 and 218.5 out of 840.
You don't have to be involved with them but I get that it's nice to show some willingness to build a relationship with them for you and your partner's relationship's sake as the children will be the most important thing in your partner's life. You could do some stuff as a "family unit" and then go off and do your own thing until the children have left. You still get a whole weekend together every 5 weeks, and a spare day every second weekend, plus a nearly full day and an afternoon/ evening on the other weekends.

Usually why most people have debts...

OK, now it’s starting to make sense.

Your previous experiences may have left you feeling “less than” and damaged your confidence.

This man has recognised this weakness in you and exploited it to benefit himself and his children.

If you were my daughter I would be incandescent. I can’t understand what you are getting out of this? Surely you would be far happier living separately from him? Or do you think he would leave you if he couldn’t cocklodge? I do.

Well you won't get that from him. You have a cocklodger and two step-kids.

This thread has to be a joke. You have 23 pages of posters telling you you are being taken for a mug by Disney Dad who can't parent or provide for his own kids, and you're still saying what a great dad he is. You'll never be more than a nanny with a fanny to him.

There isn’t any one obvious reason for debt, though. Different people have different reasons and they don’t usually have debts after living rent free with parents / partners.

Is that something else he’s convinced you of - that debt ‘just happens’ to people and he isn’t responsible in any way?

OP you are making everything about pleasing him, making sure he's happy, suggesting solutions to pacify him. The problem is not how you are explaining it to him. The problem is not that he doesn't understand. The problem is that he is taking you for a ride and you are bending over backwards to make it easier for him. He is probably going to propose now to try and keep you sweet if he senses that you are trying to push against his cushy set up. I am sorry this is harsh, but it is really, really obvious from your posts that you had previously been in an abusive relationship. He knows that too - he spotted you a mile off. Do not marry this man, he is not a good one.

OP you need to end this relationship and tell him to move out

Seriously, he saw you coming! Ask yourself what do YOU get out of this? Never mind him, never mind the kids, what’s in this for YOU? I think you’ll find that the answer to that is very little

The 3 posts above my other one are absolutely spot on

Get rid OP, you deserve so much better

Unfortunately I forgot to ask him to complete an application form before I fell in love!

FFS.

That’s pretty pathetic.

Suck it up then…

But you know these things now and you get to choose how to proceed. Don't pretend that you are helpless.

@NellyElly1 you mention being in abusive relationships before, the chances of going into another are extremely high because they feel familiar. Did you do any work on yourself after the previous ones? I’m waiting to start the freedom programme to understand how it happened and how to spot and avoid in the future.

I don’t think you’re ready to admit you’ve met another abuser because you defend him so highly. I don’t know what can be said for you to see the red flags? I guess just try to remember th pain, the turmoil and the confusion you went through in previous abusive relationships and then the whole rollercoaster getting out of it. That should be a deterrent from doing it again.

you’re gunna loose yourself girl. You are enough, you are good enough and you deserve the very very best. Tell yourself this each day. 🥰

No, but there’s nothing to stop you getting rid now or at the very least requiring him to financially contribute and to care for his own children.

‘I’m so in love, I can’t help myself’ is not a justification an adult woman should be using.

JFC you are 30. Not 13.

He is fleecing you.

“but I love him” 🤮

@NellyElly1 you said: He loves them more than anything. He's a brilliant dad. I know a lot of people on here have said he's not but genuinely, he is so good with them. He lives for them, he'd have them every single day if he could.

Not so much that he sorted himself out an accommodation to have them. ...and look at the last words you wrote here, he'd have them every day if he could. In your home, on your dollar and to the detriment of everything in your life that YOU value.

also *I've been in a couple of abusive relationships. I tend to shut down even though I try not to. I try to please and make others happy (daddy issues) because I never felt good enough. I'm sorry to pick out sentences here, but as per my previous post, this is what i suspected and the fact that you have a vulnerability to uneven/abusive relationships does not surprise me.

I've been there, same issues, same result. You have issues with boundaries, and you have issues with challenging men. He on some level has spotted this and is manipulating you, he's using every trick in the book. AND he is not paying his way.

We wants you to shut down your life to serve him, for him to gain control. he's using the kids as the leverage to do so. Sort of relationship version of the Daily Mail Face - awww. but think of the kids....

This is not the man for you. the kids are red herrings, he needs to go. He is not pulling his weight, he IS taking the piss, and he has an utter cheek to tell you to give up your hobbies and interests because he has none of his own. He does not want your happiness ultimately. He want his kids happiness, his ex happiness, HIS happiness ahead of yours.

I think you need to tell him that he needs to sort out a space to have them and move there. Turn the kids thing back on him and he will not have any corner to push back with. "The kids need you and your time, they need to spend time with you without distractions blah blah, and I have my own obligations and responsibilities thatcan not and will not compromise on. Let's go back to dating. Your kids are very young and need your focus. Maybe when they are older and more independent it will change things"

OP I’m not going to post again because you’re not listening.

This is my last post.

I have been in an abusive relationship like many women on here and it looks to us like you’re in one now.

You have a history or abusive relationships.

You are a people pleaser.

What this indicates strongly is that you have poor boundaries and will accept pretty much any behaviour if you think you are getting even a tiny portion of your needs met.

Bottom line is someone taught you far back in your life that you’re not worth it, not worth loving. You feel like you’re not good enough.

Of course that’s not true but you’ve learnt to play small with all your hopes and dreams because no one made you believe you are worth it.

The only person who can change that way of thinking is you. You need to give yourself the love you never got and discover you are inherently worthy. Because you are.

You are repeating the same mistakes from previous relationships but in another form here.

You need self esteem/self-love coaching or therapy. This is so important. You won’t be able to unlock your full potential happiness without therapy in this area.

I really think you need to see someone for at least a year to work through these issues.

You are 30 with decades ahead of you. Do the work now and reap the rewards.

This man may be a nice but it feels like you’re compromising massively to keep him.

Perhaps being alone frightens you too?

Get some therapy please. Try a few different counsellors/coaches. They’re not all the same, all the best. You need to find someone who can unpick things and put you back together.

Start with some podcasts maybe about boundaries and self love. Parental abandonment, that sort of thing.

All the best x

Also, while nobody gets their partner to ‘fill out an application form’, most people mentally tick boxes in regard to a partner before moving to a deeper relationship.

1. Financially solvent (no, in debt)
2. Able to contribute to household (No, expects partner to pay for everything)
3. Behaves in a way that makes partner happy (no, expects her to give up life to be constant source of entertainment).
4. Good father (no, models exploiting women to fund lifestyle and is apparently incapable of caring for children by himself).

Application refused.