Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Oh FFS. He's a FULLY GROWN MAN - get a grip!!!!

I have DSD @NellyElly1 . We have her every weekend and one night in the week. I love her and love spending time with her but I also make plans with my friends / do my hobbies whether she is there or not. It makes not one ounce of difference to anyone.

She is coming over this weekend and I am out with friends on Saturday night. I haven't asked DP what he is doing or what DSD will be doing and nor would he expect me to!!!

I imagine - like in most normal households - I will go out at teatime-ish, he will make tea for them both, take the dogs for a walk, maybe watch a film and then be in bed when I get home.

Why on earth would you feel guilty going out and leaving an adult (and parent) at home on his own? Why are you treating him like he's some sacred being?

Also, so what if he is at home with nothing to do?! My favourite thing is being at home with nothing to do!

Do you have to keep him entertained OP?

Also, so what if he is at home with nothing to do?! My favourite thing is being at home with nothing to do!

Well quite!

I love my own company (it's scintillating😂)

Husband is going to see his parents for a week soon, daughter will be at work all day-bring it on!

Yes was also going to say this.

Even parents with THEIR OWN CHILDREN have hobbies and responsibilities that take them away from their kids! My mum was in a choir and was on the board of a charity so would never be around 2 nights in the week and sometimes the odd weekend she would be away if they performed in another town / city.

You're literally giving up your hobbies and passion for a (relatively new) boyfriend and kids that aren't even yours?!

WTF?! I didn't even see this update. Jesus Christ. When he can?! He's living in your house and you say he's working full time so must be earning at least NMW (around £1400 / month) so why is he skint?! Because I don't for a second believe he's paying his ex a load of money for his kids!!!

Does he have a gambling / drug / drink problem OP?

Also

His kids are his entire world, he would have them full time if he could and obviously wants me to feel the same.

If his kids are his entire world then why does he not want to spend one-on-one time with them?! Why is he forcing you to spend all your time with them?! And yes of course he would have them full time and you would be the one looking after them!!!

Come on OP - you're being taken for an absolute ride here and you know it...

She doesn't want to see it.

Also OP (my final point on this matter 😂), when we eventually decided that my DP would sell his house and move in with me (it made no sense for us to keep paying to run two houses), he offered to pay me half of everything (mortgage, bills, food etc) plus EXTRA because his daughter comes to stay with us.

This is what decent people / parents do.

I think you might as well be single, Nelly. I've just re-read all your posts. You are only 30, that is young, certainly by today's standards, and haven't been with this man all that long. He moved in a bit too quickly and has lumbered you with his children.

You can do better than this, you have your own home. I know you love the man but people fall in love more than once, he is not the only fish in the sea.

The current situation is not satisfactory on many levels, please ask him to leave, for your own good. Once you have recovered from this relationship, you will feel much better and move on. You have a lot of life to live and you don't need all the baggage that he brings. It's best to do it now rather than let it drag on.

You will enjoy your life, Nelly, and in a couple of years you'll be quite different, confident and on top of things - still young too, at 32.

Good luck.

You're in an uneven relationship where you are giving everything and he is simply taking. I'd go as far as to suggest its abusive.
I'm struggling with your time line of when the relationship started. He has played a blinder.
He is using you, your house, your ability to allow him to pay off his debt, your ability to look after his children as he cant do it on his own.

Take some time away from him and really think if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

@manonwelfling , give her time. She's already bringing up 2 little children, might as well have one of her own...

She'll be starting another thread in a few years about how Cocklodger doesn't parent any of his children (his or theirs) or pay his way.

I just roughly did the maths.
In a general week when we have them for a long weekend. She has them 25.5 hours and we have them 24.5 hours.
However, out of her 6 hours a day for the first 4 days, it's 1.5 hours in the morning from wake up to school and then 4.5 hours from pick up to bedtime.
Ours is 3.5 hours from pick up on Friday to bedtime, then 12.5 straight hours from wake up to bed time on Saturday and then 8.5 straight hours from wake up to drop off on Sunday. So whilst it's 1 hour less a week than her, there's no break in between apart from bedtime.

You need to consider that there is every chance these children may need to live full time with their father (and you if you're with him) one day. There mother could be unable to care for them for a wide range of reasons. Then the responsibility would be on your household. Is this something you're prepared for?

Is this aimed at me?

Some people will argue that Mum gets the worse deal because she does the majority of the mid-week real life/school stuff. Others will argue that you get the worse deal because you get very little child-free time at weekends. I think a better mix of school days/weekend days would be fairer, but unless both parents want to change this, then you've got an uphill battle. However, as this is all going on in YOUR house, you are most definitely a stakeholder and should get a say in this.

Thank you. This is what I've suggested but he isn't sure about it. I think he's partly avoiding asking the ex because she'll just get funny about it.

Thank you. This is what I'm hoping to achieve going forwards. I just find it hard to explain it to him as I know he automatically feels defensive over them and I then over-explain that it's not because I don't want to be with them as that's not the case! I think I would actually enjoy my time with them more once I've had my time doing the horses without feeling pressured to get home or being on a time limit or fixed slot.

I have actually discussed things with him now. I've taken onboard a lot of the advice from here and explained better to him that whilst his day is prioritised to spend time with the kids, mine is for my horses, time with them comes second as does his time doing his hobby which comes second to his children for him. It's just the other way round and that's how it is, they aren't mine at the end of the day.

I will write an update when I finally get to the last page. I'm still on page 17 out of 22!!

Is this a joke? 😂😂Thanks for the laugh!

I know he wouldn't want eow. He misses them daily and wouldn't want it to be even longer between getting to see them.

But whatever you do - do NOT (unless you're Charlotte DuJardin) give up your horses!!!!!

I hope your discussion went well op. Just be aware that the problem has never been how you are explaining things. He understands perfectly well that he is taking the piss. He just doesn't care.

I really hope your update proves me wrong.

@NellyElly1 you are ignoring all the posters pointing out to you that you are being taken for a complete mug.

This bloke and his children have taken over your home, depleted your time and finances, and you are getting what out of it exactly? The odd shag?

Where is your self esteem? You’re thirty! You shouldn’t be settling for this pile of shite.

This arrangement was mainly created by her I think!

@NellyElly1 Ive been following your responses on this thread and you haven’t responded at all to the many many people telling you you’re absolutely being taken for a ride here.

Have you decided to ignore this and carry on with your absolutely piss-taking arrangement? At the very least have some self esteem and get this loser to pay his way.

Yeah this.

Funnily enough, marriage was the only goal I have in my life. I would love to be a wife and have a husband. I don't even think that's on the cards from his perspective so not really sure what he's offering me tbh as he's not sure he even wants to get married again.