Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

Sounds like it's only going to get worse too. I would def reevaluate if this is for you, esp since you have chosen to be childfree. I certainly wouldn't be giving up so much of my free time to take care of someone else's kids, but to each their own I suppose.

So this isn’t about you wanting him to see the kids less as the title suggests, but actually you’re in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn’t respect you.

Reposting from a pp. YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP AND IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. I suggest you kick him out, get therapy for your non existent boundaries, and have a happier life... with ponies in it 💕

They/we see a lot more of his family overall than mine.

Why do you love him OP?

What made you compromise so much?

You sound incompatible.

You have a single life, no children and a hobby you’re passionate about.

He is a parent with kids, no hobbies and wants a surrogate mum.

He has loads of debt. He sounds like a walking red flag.

Do you have a history of unconscious self-sabotage? Do you not think you deserve to have it all?

What have your previous relationships been like?

I'm not sure because it's made me feel guilty in the past going out to do my own thing when he's at home with nothing to do...

Get out of this relationship now. If you don’t, in ten year’s time you’ll look back and hugely regret diminishing yourself, giving up your interests, and risking your hard-earned financial independence for this man.

So he's trying to make you into someone you aren't, to fit what he wants you to be to suit his agenda? I think you need to decide what you want and need from your life, with compromises that work for you that you don't resent, and then talk and see if you are compatible. Either he wants to be with you as you are or he wants another type of person.

This has actually made me a little worried for you OP, it isn't healthy or normal to expect your partner to sacrifice their own time and hobbies just because he can't entertain himself while you're not there, and it sounds like he's ground you down over time about it.

Before long you won't have anything else left but him and the kids, he can't control you financially so he is making it so you solely depend on him for your happiness, as he won't let you get that anywhere else, he may not realise he is doing that, but anyone who begrudges their partner time apart is inherently selfish or has an agenda.

You should really sit and consider your options here, but whatever you do, DO NOT give up your time alone, your hobbies and your family.

Are his kids even remotely interested in the horses? I started riding when I was 7 and I absolutely loved it. Every weekend I wanted to be at the riding stables. Mucking out, feeding, grooming, tacking up, cleaning tack, you name it... I don't know if your horses are novice rides or not, but perhaps you could do one morning a weekend at the yard with the kids and then dad could take them elsewhere for an afternoon to give you back some space? Sorry if this has been suggested already but I've not read all the posts. Means you get some time back plus spending time with the horses and the kids?? Just a suggestion.

@Dahliasarebeautiful , I have no knowledge of equestrian life but wouldnt it be quite stressful & demanding having to supervise his children while she's attending to her 4 legged charges🤷🏻‍♀

OP you shouldn't have to tiptoe around waiting on him to favour you by discussing an important issue. I'd be saying 'my gaffe my rules. Shape up or ship out buster!'

@BleedingRadiator69

We also do "family" holidays. DC get two holidays out of us lol one with us and one with its mother. Plus half terms.

”It’s” Are you writing about a dog here or a child?

He sounds more needy than a child to be honest. I would step back from this one.

It seems to me that he has landed on his feet.

He moves out of marital home to live with Mummy and Daddy. Still manages to not clear his debt

Manages to find OP and move in with her into her home paid for by her with minimal financial ccontribution from him.

And then expects OP to runaround after him and his kids because they are a unit. I suspect his parents looked after the kids when he was there and ex when he was at home. He simply hasn't ever had to have them on his own.

OP as you don't want children of your own, please please please do not marry this chancer and make sure you protect your assets. I very much suspect the next move will be we are a unit and if you love me you should put the house in my name too!

He must be great in bed because a man with debt and kids and expecting you to give up your life and expecting you to fund him has to have something going for him!

That's on him. He could find something to do. He chooses not to so he can guilt trip you from doing what you want to do. Pathetic little Andrew Tate wannabe.

Nope I just wish not to disclose whether is a boy or a girl. No need to look hidden meaning where there is none

I have few friends who don’t have children by choice. Their hobbies/activities are extremely important to them.

I think on this basis you aren’t compatible. Lots of men don’t like being alone with their children and need another adult there to entertain, it also sounds he’s like this when they aren’t there. I’d think if this is what you want in life.

I think it’s very lucky you don’t want children as he would be locking you down with a baby if he could.

Someone said at some point, he’d never cared for the children without another adult present. That’s true but it’s also the case he’s never cared for the children without a female adult present (ex, mother, now OP).

This is absolutely a man who sees children as ‘women’s work’. I wonder how long it will be before he starts going out on weekends - leaving @NellyElly1 with the children?

If he does it will start small - just nipping out to the shops for essentials, it would be silly to spend half an hour getting the children ready etc. The OP should keep an eye out for this and nip it in the bud immediately. The reasons for going out will only multiply.

We did EOW plus one midweek night. That was enough.
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Enough for you perhaps. But not enough for the children who would have so little time with their father. If your DP thought it was enough, then he’s clearly an unpleasant, irresponsible, man.
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@MoodEnhancer my DH is neither unpleasant nor irresponsible, but when he split from his wife, the EOW arrangement was the norm (I realise that 50/50-ish is more normal now) and he would have struggled to do much more due to his job. Yes, he could have cut his hours, but the ex wanted top-dollar maintenance payments. You can't have it both ways.

Oh come on!

He's seen you coming!

With all due respect, he's taking you for a mug

You've spent money on his children. You subsidise him and his children and he's needy to boot (very unattractive)
He tries to limit your time on your own.

What on EARTH are you getting out of this?
And it can only get worse

Wake up!!

He gets to make his choices but he doesn't get to make yours. If he's bored on his own that's tough, he doesn't get to say that you must be there to entertain him. He could read a book, go for a walk, do some housework. His wishes don't trump yours.

An earlier poster pointed out that he might never have had sole charge of his children. He moved in with his parents after he split with his wife and from there to you. They are still only young, this is something he needs to get on with rather than relying on the nearest woman.

I'm old enough to be your mother, I don't know you but I do know that you deserve better than this. Channel your inner stroppy teen and mentally challenge every wish/order with "Sez who?" and "You are not the boss of me" rather than accepting what he says. I'm not sure he is putting his children first, I think he's putting himself first, his needs, his comforts, what makes life easy for him. When he says that you'd be better off single, think about it for a moment because unless he's stellar in some other way then yes, I think you would be.

Oh come on Op. You're still going on about time with his kids when financially he's fleecing you. Wake up and smell the roses ffs.

In 10 years @NellyElly1 , do you want to still be a step-mother but to an 18-year old and a 14-yr old? Your horses will probably be a distant memory as you had to give them up as all your time and money was being spent entertaining Cocklodger and his children.

You're only a few months in and are already not happy. You should be in the 'honeymoon phase' not giving up your own life.

Send him back to his mummy and daddy and live your own life.

You mention you don’t see as much of your family compared to his. Why is that? Have you cut contact with family since being in a relationship?
i always think friends are a good judge of these things and sniff out unhealthy relationships before you see it yourself. What do they think? Do you still see your friends like you used to before meeting him? Also do you socialise as a couple?
My experience from a toxic emotionally abusive relationship was that slowly my social circle reduced. I dedicated less time to my family and more to his. I spent less time with my friends so he wasn’t “alone”. We rarely socialised with friends as a couple and when we did it would always be his not mine.
Friends called this very early on and I ignored their well intended warnings. Eventually your world is so small you have no one to call on when things do go wrong.
Speaking as 38 yo with 2 young kids, I think you actually have the worst of situations. If you don’t want children of your own, then honestly looking after someone else’s is even worse! You are so young and sound very independent in spirit and personality. Obviously you love him but sometimes that doesn’t mean staying (or him leaving) is the right thing to do. You are already making too many compromises to accommodate his life choices.

I'm not sure because it's made me feel guilty in the past going out to do my own thing when he's at home with nothing to do...

Do you mean you feel guilty or he makes you?

Why would he be at home with nothing to do?

He a grown ass man (isn't he?)

He can find something to do!

TBF it sounds like this is what OP wants but her boyfriend is the one forcing her to be around the kids constantly!!!