Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

OP, I want to ask if this is a wind up as to be honest it sounds ridiculous. A man you’ve been dating has moved himself and his kids into your home, he pays very little towards the upkeep and demands that you make yourself available for “happy families” time almost every weekend.

At thirty, you don’t need this sort of baggage. He is a cocklodger who isn’t prepared to parent his children alone.

Then add the fact You don’t think you want children of your own then the is just nuts.

At the very least start charging him proper board for him and his children. If he balks at paying (for whatever “worthy” reason) you know he sees you as nothing but a cash cow.

Secondly, do your hobby when you want at the weekend to suit you and not cocklodger dad.

I think his reaction to both of these reasonable boundaries will tell you how he really feels about you.

He is living his perfect life and you sound bloody miserable. Do you really want this for the next 5, 10, 20 years????

I don't think she has to explain anything to him and it sounds like he's too thick to understand. She just needs to kick his freeloading arse out of her house.

I also say this as a SM. One who's husband's kids used to live here part of the week (in my house). But which he paid his way for. And didn't expect me to entertain his kids or give up any of my hobbies or interests just because the kids were there.

I agree with this. OP, you will need to make a decision re your LT future with him. You have stated that you don't want children (which is absolutely fine) ; life with children is completely different to life without them.
Hoping you make the best decision for you

I've not done the maths, but assuming they are at school their Mum just might have less time with them than OP ? And free weekends are a bonus.

He is a cocklodger - he doesn't pay his way, has moved into your home and expects you to care for his children. If I was your mother I'd be round your house with a large role of bin bags packing his stuff up and organising for your locks to be changed. This is not love, kick him out now.

You're right she should just kick his freeloading arse out.

Sorry OP, but I don’t think he sees you as a partner. More as somebody to care for, house and finance his children. He’s moved straight from his ex’s, back to his parents and then into yours - has he ever parented his children without another adult around?

You say that he contributes financially ‘when he can’ - if it weren’t for you / his parents, how would he feed his children?

He can’t parent his children in the school week because he has a job - he’s not the first parent with a full time job!

I can see what he is getting out of the relationship, but what are you getting out of it?

As others have mentioned, he’s an absolute cocklodger, leeching off one women until he’s forced to move on to the next. He’s made it clear that this is how your life is going to be if you continue in this relationship, it’s up to you to decide if you are happy with this??

You can do better. His kids have no option to exchange their freeloading dad for one who pulls his weight, but you can. He contributes virtually nothing and expects everything.

His children, his ex and you all deserve better than this.

I'm 30. I've been with him a year and a half.
They all moved into MY home that I pay for, actually...

Oh FFS!! Kick the fucker out. He's using you to look after his children (and probably pay for them). This is way too soon. And get some boundaries because right now you have mug written across your face.

I hope they are more important to him than you ever will be.

How about changing this one:
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
to Sunday 10am to Monday school drop off.

That way you get the Saturday evening.

Slightly different as we both came into the relationship with one child each but I do have a few horses.
I used to take my daughter riding or competing days at the weekend. Would say that's its his 1 on 1 time with his ds. Happy to do things as a family maybe 1 day at the weekend but the horses are our time(dd and mine) and they were there before him. We now have a ds together who's only young so although slightly harder he does still need his 1 on 1/2 now.

A father should be spending as much time as he can with his children.

That's a no brainer, especially on MN.

What this father is not entitled to is to strong arm a woman into spending that time on his children. Your horses are your children so, when he spends time with his babies, you depend time with yours.

As for 'we', explain in plain and simple terms that he's using the royal we. Don't be manipulated into playing mum. They have one and you'll be a fool to go down that road. And he's a fool for thinking that he can hoodwink you into doing something you don't want to do.

It could be that he's with wonderful you just to get his kids looked after. So many men do that.

if they were , he would find a way to fund them himself, instead of sponging off Op.

Jesus OP, please tell me you’re seeing sense on this. He is a freeloader. Yes it might have been your suggestion to move in but I’ll bet he would have wangled his way in eventually. He cannot dictate your free time to you. You have been more than kind to him and his kids. Don’t give up on yourself - get rid of him and don’t let him emotionally blackmail you: a simple ‘it’s not working, you have 1 month to arrange to move out’ will suffice.

I had a similar situation a long time ago now. I just made the absolute most of enjoying my weekends: meeting up with friends, going shopping, doing hobbies etc and made it clear that I was delighted to see my step-dc, chatting with them over dinner (which I left dp to make since he had to sort meals out for his dc) and hoped they had a great time together, which I would join occasionally- if it was an occasion or they were doing something I'd like. Otherwise, it was his time to enjoy with his dc. Dp did not love it tbh because he would rather have had me playing mum and running around helping... but many years on, step-dc and I still have a natural and close bond

By the sound if it, she is sponging a man who has kids and she does not want any, so she takes the lion's share of his salary, I am sure.

So he moves in, doesn’t pay his way and expects you to live your life as he wants? Fuck that shit. I’d dump him, this isn't the life you want

Geez I wouldn’t put up with that. I think you need to reconsider the relationship. They are not your children or responsibility. Run.

Yes, same routine. I saw him on the days he didn't have them.

I mean it's normal to be busy and on the go with children so it's something you'll have to think about long term whether it really works for you.

Could you switch to eow with the children's mum? Or failing that propose eow with your partner, you do your own thing twice a month on the weekends and he's on his own with the children?

In the grand scheme they aren't seeing him as much as other children who get to live with both parents, see their fathers, I dont think seeing him less is the fair option. Horses take a lot of time so I see your issue and it seems like all in all you don't have a grudge against the children which isn't always the case on here. Yous need to re negotiate the schedule, it's OK to go off on your own for your hobby at the weekends, the kids would probablt enjoy the time with their dad anyway!

I suggested that too. It doesn't really get much response.

I feel this man is using you. He has moved into your home. Contributes practically nothing and expects you to give up your life and hobbies to look after his children. I know you say you love him but please step back and look at the whole picture. You sound a lovely person and really don’t need this controlling parasite in your life.

You might try reading the thread. He is sponging off her. She is paying all the living costs while he ‘helps where he can’. Does that really sound like she ‘takes the lion’s share of his salary’?

He'll never have them the normal amount because there is no such thing. If they, him and their mum are as happy with the arrangement as possible, then he has them the perfect amount. If you need more breaks from them, then you need to be going out with someone who doesn't have kids.