Is this too much, too little or a normal amount of time to have the kids?

[NellyElly1]

As a childless step-mom in my set up, I'm starting to struggle a bit with how much we have my OH's children as it's feeling like we never get time to ourselves. His argument is that we'd have them full time if they were ours but the fact is they're not and I don't necessarily want children. I've sacrificed it because I love him. I worry about this for the future too, do other couples make things work if one isn't particularly maternal and accept that they won't feel the same way about their children that they do? I've always been independent, I have my own hobbies and like my own time as well.

The current rota at the moment is this and it cycles round each week:

From Friday at 4pm to Saturday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 10am
From Saturday at 4pm to Sunday at 5:30pm
From Friday at 4pm to Sunday at 3:30pm
Weekend off
And then it cycles back round again.

We also have them every Wednesday night.

I worked it out to be 10 Saturdays that we get solidly in a whole year (52 total) to ourselves from Friday night to Saturday night.

In total, out of 104 weekend days, we get 31 to ourselves.

As much as I like spending time with the children, I'm almost finding it too much and never feel like we get a break. I think it is impacting both of us too as he is constantly feeling like we are on the go as well and never get a breather.

Does this sound normal? Or is it too much or not enough?

Thank you.

@MrsSunshine2b , did you miss that OP's partner and his kids are living in OP's house rent-free, and that the DC are there 4 out of every 5 weekends, and that OP is expected to squeeze her hobbies into the early morning so that she can be around for the rest of the weekend to co-parent HIS children?

OP, time to prioritise what you want out of this relationship.
Hes absolutely taking the piss and I think your feelings are clouding your judgement. He is the pure definition of cock lodger, time to reset EVERYTHING and make some decisions about your future.

OP, people have laid it out, but the question is: what are you going to do with the information?

by which I mean: he does not have his children “too much” (no such thing), but he is unreasonable to insist you have to be there. Add that to the fact that he is not contributing to the household that he insists is a family.

you're going round in circles somewhat saying oh but HE says I can’t go off and do my own thing, HE says it’s important for me to spend time with the children…

personally, I think he gave you the answer when he said you might as well be single. He’s phrased it to imply that what you want to do is incompatible with a relationship full stop, but that’s obviously not true and is a sneaky piece of manipulation from him. What is true is that you might as well be single FROM HIM.

so what is your next move?

I think you need to call it quits. You want different things and when people try to change who they are to please someone else, they end up miserable. He'll never be happy with you having horse time, you'll never be happy having reduced horse time. And horses take time, lots of time.

at some point you need to decide if you're all in, because otherwise its not fair to the children. They aren't an inconvenience, or a chore that has to be dealt with every weekend, they are children that need to feel safe and wanted in the space they are in
@Lazyladydaisy I completely agree, but the man here is using his children as leverage, he's made her feel she has the same level of duty to them that a parent would.
(Whilst mooching off her, urgh!)

someone said

'He moved into your house.
He moved his kids into your house.
He doesn't pay rent.
He only contributes financially "when he can".
He stops you from doing your hobbies.
He makes you spend your weekends supervising his kids so you can bond with them.

All I want to know is: HOW DOES HE DO IT??? '

he is obiv fucking good in bed, with a golden dick and must look like Adonis..

someone else also said
' nanny with a fanny ' brilliant, just brilliant

Op youve been together just a year and a half? For couple who decided to have a family together it would take longer than that!

Youve given up your home, your time and it's never enough for him by the sounds of it.

They are not your children so I am not surprised you feel like this. For most parents the weekends are the good time.
Just do some of your own things and let your DH look after them alone. You do not always have to be there.

He works early mornings so he won’t take them 50/50. He refuses to parent solo so you can do your own thing despite you saying you don’t want to prioritise them? He has his children in your house despite knowing you don’t want them there? What a Prince amongst men. Refuses to parent his own kids or work things out to actually look after them a fair amount! What a catch!

I'm sorry to say it but if kids aren’t for you throw him back - kids need to be wanted and loved by all parental figures (step or biological). Kids also know when they aren’t wanted and that isn’t fair. If you can’t honestly say they’ll be your priority without this type of fight then it isn’t for you. They HAVE to be his priority - they will always ALWAYS come before you and you don’t sound okay with that.

Thats not to say parents never get hobby time - but there has to be some give and take to make it happen in a way that works for everyone. That clearly isn’t going to happen here - you don’t want to accommodate the kids, he doesn’t want to accommodate the hobbies. You’re better to cut your losses now then drag the kids through the wringer not being wanted or
welcome.

Also, mum has to do the wake ups, the school runs, the day to day drudge. Homework, discipline, sickness etc. don’t for a minute think her “weekends off” give her the better deal. She’ll spend part of it doing their laundry, stocking their food supplies etc. and rarely gets to just have fun with them.

I have RTFT now and the OH is definitely unreasonable to say that OP should not be able to do her hobbies when the children are around. However, she invited him to move in. He's taken full advantage, but she says it was her idea.

A woman who does not want children and wants to spend weekends doing things with her partner is not compatible with a partner who wants to spend as much time as possible with his very young children and wants a partner who wants the same.

I highly doubt there are many (any?) women who are compatible with a man who wants to move his children into her home, pay nothing and form a mock-up nuclear family with her, but OP certainly isn't.

I highly doubt there are many (any?) women who are compatible with a man who wants to move his children into her home, pay nothing and form a mock-up nuclear family with her, but OP certainly isn't.

I can't understand what any woman would get from this, true.

He’s not paying to live with his children in your house?!

Sorry, but what the actual fuck?

OP, get angry and get rid! He is taking the absolutely fucking piss!!!

Actually, i think you’ve missed the point there. Previous poster was saying they have a right to move with their dad full time if they want to, hence they can live with you full time as he currently lives rent free in your house. They are a package - he’s right in that - but you don’t have to accept it or pay their way.

You don’t want them, but there’s every chance his custody could increase and they’d have a right to live with him all the time. What would you do then?

Why on Earth are you paying for them all and putting up with this crap? He saw you coming!! Huge red flag

OP I’m inclined to agree with others that you need to run far from this cocklodger. Far far away. If he’s working full time and living in your house, why is he only financially contributing ‘when he can’????

You don’t need his permission to take time for yourself. You’re not their parent! Saturday mornings are yours, they can have quality time with their Dad and you meet back up in the afternoon. If he isn’t happy with that, then he can leave. He has absolutely no right to dictate how you spend your time because he’s moved his kids in! I agree you have to consider them and you’re part of the family but ultimately HE is their parent not you and you don’t owe your peace to someone!

If the children are in school I think its unfair use do most weekends mum will do after school and kids will likely be in bed for 7-8 do they do after school clubs, nursery or childminders even? Should be every other weekend and use take them more in the week. I say this as a predominantly single parent to a 4 year old my ex expects me to do nearly every weekend and it grates me he can't be bothered and it out living his life

Not if you don’t want to.

Obviously he sounds like a complete dickhead gem, but my concern is, regardless of any of that the OP doesn't seem to want that much to do with these children.
As a step parent you shouldn't be asking if the kids are coming round too much, or asking if a relationship will work when you will never feel maternal/love towards them. Being with someone who has children means accepting them, welcoming them, spending time with them and building a family unit together. It's a big thing to take on and I feel a bit sorry for the children in this scenario 🤷🏼‍♀️

Op I think you should see your horses and enjoy your time when his kids are there.

He doesn't get to complain about that. He should also want one to one time with his kids and they will want it with their dad too.

Stand firm on this

There was a thread on Mumsnet a few months ago where the OP leaving a similar situation was being accused of ‘selfishness’ (by her ex and his ex wife) because she told the man to leave and it turned out they’d made all sorts of financial decisions (private school for the children) based on her subsidising his lifestyle.

The OP’s sister quoted the Marilyn Monroe (as Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes) line to her “a man being rich is like a girl being pretty, you wouldn’t marry a girl just because she’s pretty but my goodness, doesn’t it help” and pointed out that in her opinion, the OP having money definitely “helped”. I’m getting the strong impression that the same applies here.

He may or may not love you, @NellyElly1 but it comes across that you providing housing and childcare (which without you would literally cost tens of thousands a year) definitely ‘helps’.

I agree with a PP. Set a mental deadline of a few weeks and live your life the way you want, visiting with the children but putting the childcare firmly on him and going out when you choose. At the end of that time, if he’s behaved reasonably, consider whether you are happy with a man who will always be leeching off you but is no doubt charming and good in bed. If you are very well off and don’t require an equal partner, life tends to be easier if you have a charming escort to dinners / parties / the theatre etc.

Just don’t ever marry him or give him access to your money.

If you do want a partner or can’t afford a cocklodger, he needs to go and for the children’s sake, a.s.a.p.

Nah. You need to get angry and live your life. I say this as a stepmum. DH used to come out with shit like 'I was breaking up the family' if I decided to go out and do my own thing. I got angry. Very angry.
DSD isn't my child. Love her but she isn't mine. I told DH I had to live my life too and he could either accept that or f off. He accepted it eventually.
We're 10 years on now and have our own DS and DSD lives full time with us so it was a boundary well worth putting in place.
Your oh is a cocklodger and is taking advantage of your kind nature. If you don't push back and go and spend time with your horses, you will resent and loathe him. Jesus, if he doesn't contribute to your home, how does he have the audacity to decide what you do?
I'm already loathing him for you!

Let me get this straight.......

He pays nothing towards rent and bills, despite working. Where does his money go?
He dictates that all your time should be spent with him and his kids.
He tells you that everything in your life should come second to his wants around his kids.
Expects you to be the same as his ex.

More red flags than a Communist Party conference.

I would like to know why they split up because it sounds like he made her world as small as possible, and is now trying to do the same to you.

He is not only an eyewateringly selfish cocklodger, which would be bad enough, but he is emotionally and financially abusive too. I strongly suspect that regardless of the kids, he wouldnt want you spending any real amount of time out of his company, the kids are just a handy excuse.

I can tell that you wont leave him and are willing to put up with just about any old shit to keep him in your life, but I will tell you this........when you wake up to his behaviour (and you will), we will be here for you. We will be here when you need us to help you escape this appalling specimen.

Maybe explain to him that if you had children together (I know you don't want any) you would still be entitled to time away to do hobbies, parents and step parents don't need to be glued permanently to their kids.

There was a thread on Mumsnet a few months ago where the OP leaving a similar situation was being accused of ‘selfishness’ (by her ex and his ex wife) because she told the man to leave and it turned out they’d made all sorts of financial decisions (private school for the children) based on her subsidising his lifestyle.

I remember this - shocking!

OP, would you feel differently if you had more child-free weekends (but had them more in the week, as you’ve already mentioned)?

Who would be a stepmum, eh?